i'm not trying to be political. i'm not trying to legislate morality. i'm not trying to create a bunch of legalistic copies of my self. but this ... this makes me sick.
Indiana Planned Parenthood Covers Up Sexual Abuse of 13-year Old - video powered by Metacafe
unbelievable. i'm not, generally speaking, a big fan of abortion. i do, however, like to keep the specifics of my opinions on the subject under wraps. what is happening to the '13-year-old' girl in this video, though, is coercive. it's child abuse. it's totally devoid of true compassion and concern for her. what this girl needs is a counselor who will walk her through all the emotional issues she is facing at this juncture ... NOT a manipulative nurse with a personal agenda. this nurse is supposed to be someone she can TRUST to care for her -- physically and emotionally. what she gets instead is a careless, covert cover-up scheme.
i can't pretend to know what is the BEST way to handle a situation like this ... but i would think it would be obvious that this isn't even close to it.
12.08.2008
10.24.2008
toss me the life vest, would you? i'm kinda drowning here.
i couldn't sleep tonight. my alarm is going off in five minutes, but i've been awake for the last hour and a half (yes, it's 4 am).
my thoughts, while i lay awake in the darkness, ran the gamut. confession and prayer, analyzing yesterday's conversations and planning potential ones for today, figuring out my schedule this week and two months from now, all my bills and budget, all the junk i have in my apartment that i want to get rid of, several changes i want to see happen in my life .... all these things were keeping me awake.
(my alarm just went off and it totally make me jump! wow.)
apparently i'm having some trouble with where the rubber meets the road in the whole "don't worry about tomorrow" thing. i can't STOP worrying about tomorrow. and today. and next year. even when i theoretically entrust it to God, i don't stop thinking about it.
and what i really think it comes down to, for me, is priorities.
i came unglued last night (sorry to all five people who called me during my unglued-ness .... i'm sure it wasn't pretty). and i think that 90% of the reason why i came unglued is because i don't KNOW God enough to know that i can trust Him. ok, this is what i mean: i know that, at some point in my life, i have known His character enough that i trusted Him at that time. but currently, in this state of affairs, i don't know Him intimately and i certainly don't trust Him. yet in my most miserable moments i want nothing more than to bring all my cares to Him ... just as i have always done. but how can i do that if i don't trust Him because i don't know Him?
my priorities are revealing the idolatry of my heart. i have not made it a priority to bind myself so closely to Jesus, to walk with Him devotedly, to love Him purely, to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth.
and so, of course, everything else is falling apart.
and the whole reason these thoughts are pouring out of me right now is because, while i couldn't sleep (so i was french braiding my hair), i saw a picture of my youthworks staff team from three years ago. that was a time of rich intimacy, a time of clearly hearing the Lord's voice, a time of deep prayer and true worship and total dependence and pure trust.
and i can barely believe it ever happened. i don't recognize myself anymore. probably because i look a lot more like rachel and a lot less like Jesus. and let me say: it hasn't been the most flattering look for me.
oh Lord ... could You change me from who i've been lately? i know i'm nothing without You.
i
need
You
Jesus.
i need my Savior.
my thoughts, while i lay awake in the darkness, ran the gamut. confession and prayer, analyzing yesterday's conversations and planning potential ones for today, figuring out my schedule this week and two months from now, all my bills and budget, all the junk i have in my apartment that i want to get rid of, several changes i want to see happen in my life .... all these things were keeping me awake.
(my alarm just went off and it totally make me jump! wow.)
apparently i'm having some trouble with where the rubber meets the road in the whole "don't worry about tomorrow" thing. i can't STOP worrying about tomorrow. and today. and next year. even when i theoretically entrust it to God, i don't stop thinking about it.
and what i really think it comes down to, for me, is priorities.
i came unglued last night (sorry to all five people who called me during my unglued-ness .... i'm sure it wasn't pretty). and i think that 90% of the reason why i came unglued is because i don't KNOW God enough to know that i can trust Him. ok, this is what i mean: i know that, at some point in my life, i have known His character enough that i trusted Him at that time. but currently, in this state of affairs, i don't know Him intimately and i certainly don't trust Him. yet in my most miserable moments i want nothing more than to bring all my cares to Him ... just as i have always done. but how can i do that if i don't trust Him because i don't know Him?
my priorities are revealing the idolatry of my heart. i have not made it a priority to bind myself so closely to Jesus, to walk with Him devotedly, to love Him purely, to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth.
and so, of course, everything else is falling apart.
and the whole reason these thoughts are pouring out of me right now is because, while i couldn't sleep (so i was french braiding my hair), i saw a picture of my youthworks staff team from three years ago. that was a time of rich intimacy, a time of clearly hearing the Lord's voice, a time of deep prayer and true worship and total dependence and pure trust.
and i can barely believe it ever happened. i don't recognize myself anymore. probably because i look a lot more like rachel and a lot less like Jesus. and let me say: it hasn't been the most flattering look for me.
oh Lord ... could You change me from who i've been lately? i know i'm nothing without You.
i
need
You
Jesus.
i need my Savior.
10.19.2008
failing at failure
i do believe that it possible to fail well. failure doesn't have to be the final word on whether or not a venture was successful. this is a cognitive block for a lot of folks, myself included, but it's true nonetheless: failure is not necessarily the obliteration of success. it's all a matter of perspective; what i THOUGHT success would look like might not be the end result, but that doesn't mean that nothing successful was accomplished.
the bottom line is that God reigns. God reigns over all things. my car. politics. my job. the weather. life and death. money. poverty. starvation. destruction. growth. aging. desires and passions. depression. pain. suffering. joy. relationships. geography. every hair on my head. every breath that sustains my life. every blink of my eyes and every word of my tongue. every sound that i hear, every touch that i feel, every moment i live. every moment you live. every moment they live. God reigns.
and what He calls success often happens in the midst of what the world would call failure. so the question is: do i look at God through the world's perspective of my circumstances, or do i look at my circumstances and the world through God's perspective?
this is where i fail at failing. because when i 'fail' according to MY terms (which are aligned with the world), instead of embracing the opportunity for growth and intimacy with the God of all grace, i mull and wallow and burden myself with guilt and despair. whereas, if i were willing to take my pathetic failures and cast them before the all-able cross of Christ, i might see a phoenix rise from the ashes, more beautiful, more new, more wonderful, more successful than i ever could have imagined. or done on my own.
for it is only in the face of Christ that i can be victorious even while i am in the throes of utter defeat. it is only in the embrace of Christ that i can see success when i am plagued by chronic failure. it is only in the all-powerful reign of Christ that i see pure, true, beautiful GOOD come from the darkest, most corrupt places of my heart.
and if THAT doesn't throw me to my knees in wonder and adoration ...
... then i have really failed.
the bottom line is that God reigns. God reigns over all things. my car. politics. my job. the weather. life and death. money. poverty. starvation. destruction. growth. aging. desires and passions. depression. pain. suffering. joy. relationships. geography. every hair on my head. every breath that sustains my life. every blink of my eyes and every word of my tongue. every sound that i hear, every touch that i feel, every moment i live. every moment you live. every moment they live. God reigns.
and what He calls success often happens in the midst of what the world would call failure. so the question is: do i look at God through the world's perspective of my circumstances, or do i look at my circumstances and the world through God's perspective?
this is where i fail at failing. because when i 'fail' according to MY terms (which are aligned with the world), instead of embracing the opportunity for growth and intimacy with the God of all grace, i mull and wallow and burden myself with guilt and despair. whereas, if i were willing to take my pathetic failures and cast them before the all-able cross of Christ, i might see a phoenix rise from the ashes, more beautiful, more new, more wonderful, more successful than i ever could have imagined. or done on my own.
for it is only in the face of Christ that i can be victorious even while i am in the throes of utter defeat. it is only in the embrace of Christ that i can see success when i am plagued by chronic failure. it is only in the all-powerful reign of Christ that i see pure, true, beautiful GOOD come from the darkest, most corrupt places of my heart.
and if THAT doesn't throw me to my knees in wonder and adoration ...
... then i have really failed.
10.10.2008
the lie.
it is tantalizing. it feels right. it makes me smile and laugh. it gives me something to look forward to. it assuages my lonely and sorrowful spirit. it makes me feel just lovely.
it's not worth it.
anything temporary and fleeting, anything that is good for awhile but then is gone, anything that will change and fail and falter in what it does for me is not worthy to be compared to the eternal weight of glory that will fall upon my head and crush me to the ground.
but right now,
i'm not crushed.
and i'm having some trouble believing the trade-off.
it's not worth it.
anything temporary and fleeting, anything that is good for awhile but then is gone, anything that will change and fail and falter in what it does for me is not worthy to be compared to the eternal weight of glory that will fall upon my head and crush me to the ground.
but right now,
i'm not crushed.
and i'm having some trouble believing the trade-off.
10.06.2008
the loveable loose cannon
it's the most wonderful thing to be me.
it's the most wonderful thing to be the loose cannon, the failure, the frequent foot-in-mouther, the oddball, the one who is gun-shy and undisciplined, the one who let them down ...
... and still be wanted. still be loved.
there's just nothing like in the world.
thank you, my friends.
"but God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." --romans five:eight--
it's the most wonderful thing to be the loose cannon, the failure, the frequent foot-in-mouther, the oddball, the one who is gun-shy and undisciplined, the one who let them down ...
... and still be wanted. still be loved.
there's just nothing like in the world.
thank you, my friends.
"but God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." --romans five:eight--
10.05.2008
all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.
The new day dawns,
And I am practicing my purpose once again.
It is fresh and it is fruitful if I win but if I lose,
Oooooo I don’t know.
I will be tired but I will turn and I will go,
Only guessing til I get there then I’ll know,
Oh oh oh I will know.
All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that’s shining in my window as I write this song to you.
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true,
All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself,
All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.
The winter’s cold,
But the snow still lightly settles on the trees.
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know,
That all will be well.
Even though sometimes this is hard to tell,
And the fight is just as frustrating as hell
All will be well.
All the children walking home past the factories,
Could see the light that’s shining in my window as I write this song to you.
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself
All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.
Keep it up and don’t give up
And chase your dreams and you will find
All in time.
All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that’s shining in my window as I write this song to you.
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true,
All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself,
All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.
All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself,
All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.
--gabe dixon--
10.03.2008
it's really kind of amazing.
apparently i have turned around rather suddenly
and become something of the person i've wanted to be.
it didn't happen in an instant.
it didn't happen because i thought it out strategically.
it didn't happen because i tried really hard.
it actually was
an outpouring
from the overflow.
and now i know:
i can turn around on some unknown future day
and have become more of who i've wanted to be
not because i knew the exactly right way to do it
but because i walked by faith that only He could do it.
[if only these moment weren't so few and far between.]
and become something of the person i've wanted to be.
it didn't happen in an instant.
it didn't happen because i thought it out strategically.
it didn't happen because i tried really hard.
it actually was
an outpouring
from the overflow.
and now i know:
i can turn around on some unknown future day
and have become more of who i've wanted to be
not because i knew the exactly right way to do it
but because i walked by faith that only He could do it.
[if only these moment weren't so few and far between.]
10.02.2008
wake me up when september ends?
september FLEW by ... does anyone else feel like that's true?
i'm excited, though, because i am fantastically head-over-heels in love with the fall. and with the turn of the calendar, the weather has magically rounded the bend into fall, and seemingly over night, too.
transition. people have told me that we have 'transitional phases' in life. what happens when you feel like the previous two years have been one big long unending transitional phase? what if you feel like you don't want to be done transitioning, because you know this isn't your landing place? how can i be a temporarily permanent nomadic resident? see what i mean? gosh, it's hard. and i hate moving.
i have been brought to some incredibly interesting places recently. relationships are changing ... new ones forming, old new ones becoming deeper, formerly intimate ones becoming more distant with time-space and life-space and different habitations. it's bittersweet. make new friends, but keep the old ... one is silver and the other gold. it's hard to abide by the nursery rhyme in real life, though.
like i said yesterday, i'm getting used to louisville ... but i don't love it. yet. i suppose i could, eventually. and i'm definitely trying to keep an open mind about it, because if i expect it to suck, it definitely will. but i think what is hardest is learning how to find my residential identity as a louisvillian without being in college. butler did a great job of acclimating me to indy ... in spite of its bubble-i-ness. but i'm on my own here ... and i'm not surrounded by tons of other people my age who are also new and wanting to explore. and i do so much love to explore with other adventuring companions ... but alone, not so much. so venturing out to discover all the treasures that louisville has to offer has only been happening at a minimum.
here's a thought that has been on my mind since i got a pretend, free, e-harmony account. (yes, i know. i know. i'm not paying for it, so i can't even communicate with anyone .... for now, it's just an .... appetite supressant?) anyway. here's the thought: i am not the christian i used to be. i used to be mostly right-out-of-the-box, but a thinker at the same time. i thought very carefully about which box i came out of, and whether or not my box was missing some ingredients, or even had superfluous ingredients that i wouldn't need to put to use. but nonetheless, i was a cookie-cutter-christian.
now i'm much more loosey-goosey. not that anything goes (geez, how many cliches can i throw into one paragraph??), but i think that i'm realizing that sanctification goes completely outside of the box. i'm a freakin mess, dudes. i'm a walking disaster. and up until this point in my life, i don't think i've ever fully embraced that. what does it mean to know that my effed-up-ness ... and believe me, it's effed up ... is not beyond the saving and sanctifying hand of God? Lord, there IS none like You.
and e-harmony is reminding me of that, because the people i've been matched with would either think that i'm a really sucky christian if they actually met me, or they would think that i'm a crazy calvinist or something. i can't seem to find anyone, anywhere, who transparently embraces their own brokenness while straining for sanctification on a day-to-day basis in every relationship, conversation, thought, job, and moment. well, except for people who aren't christians ... they seem to know they need it more than those of us in the holy huddle do.
it's all a-jumble in my mind. i'm trying to sort it all out. i hope i get there soon.
but it's totally ok if i don't. i can still breathe.
i'm excited, though, because i am fantastically head-over-heels in love with the fall. and with the turn of the calendar, the weather has magically rounded the bend into fall, and seemingly over night, too.
transition. people have told me that we have 'transitional phases' in life. what happens when you feel like the previous two years have been one big long unending transitional phase? what if you feel like you don't want to be done transitioning, because you know this isn't your landing place? how can i be a temporarily permanent nomadic resident? see what i mean? gosh, it's hard. and i hate moving.
i have been brought to some incredibly interesting places recently. relationships are changing ... new ones forming, old new ones becoming deeper, formerly intimate ones becoming more distant with time-space and life-space and different habitations. it's bittersweet. make new friends, but keep the old ... one is silver and the other gold. it's hard to abide by the nursery rhyme in real life, though.
like i said yesterday, i'm getting used to louisville ... but i don't love it. yet. i suppose i could, eventually. and i'm definitely trying to keep an open mind about it, because if i expect it to suck, it definitely will. but i think what is hardest is learning how to find my residential identity as a louisvillian without being in college. butler did a great job of acclimating me to indy ... in spite of its bubble-i-ness. but i'm on my own here ... and i'm not surrounded by tons of other people my age who are also new and wanting to explore. and i do so much love to explore with other adventuring companions ... but alone, not so much. so venturing out to discover all the treasures that louisville has to offer has only been happening at a minimum.
here's a thought that has been on my mind since i got a pretend, free, e-harmony account. (yes, i know. i know. i'm not paying for it, so i can't even communicate with anyone .... for now, it's just an .... appetite supressant?) anyway. here's the thought: i am not the christian i used to be. i used to be mostly right-out-of-the-box, but a thinker at the same time. i thought very carefully about which box i came out of, and whether or not my box was missing some ingredients, or even had superfluous ingredients that i wouldn't need to put to use. but nonetheless, i was a cookie-cutter-christian.
now i'm much more loosey-goosey. not that anything goes (geez, how many cliches can i throw into one paragraph??), but i think that i'm realizing that sanctification goes completely outside of the box. i'm a freakin mess, dudes. i'm a walking disaster. and up until this point in my life, i don't think i've ever fully embraced that. what does it mean to know that my effed-up-ness ... and believe me, it's effed up ... is not beyond the saving and sanctifying hand of God? Lord, there IS none like You.
and e-harmony is reminding me of that, because the people i've been matched with would either think that i'm a really sucky christian if they actually met me, or they would think that i'm a crazy calvinist or something. i can't seem to find anyone, anywhere, who transparently embraces their own brokenness while straining for sanctification on a day-to-day basis in every relationship, conversation, thought, job, and moment. well, except for people who aren't christians ... they seem to know they need it more than those of us in the holy huddle do.
it's all a-jumble in my mind. i'm trying to sort it all out. i hope i get there soon.
but it's totally ok if i don't. i can still breathe.
10.01.2008
true confessions.
confession: i often start a blog post without knowing exactly what i'm going to say, but rather i start with an overwhelming need to express.
confession: i love music, but i am more passionate about other things. and it shows, especially to people who believe me to be a music guru or something.
confession: i am happy with some things in life right now. but in most things, i could definitely be a whole lot happier. and for some reason, knowing that but not knowing what to do about that has been really hard.
confession: i sometimes experience momentary jealousy of people who are amazing musicians. also, of people my age who are recently married/1st-time-parents, and of people my age who have really cool, creative, successful careers.
confession: i'm getting used to louisville, but i don't really like it.
confession: i don't evangelize in the traditional sense. but i evangelize every single day.
confession: i want my theology to meet my reality in all the places it doesn't currently.
confession: i have no clue what i want to do with my life. i have some ideas, but i could really go in any direction.
confession: i am pathetically undisciplined.
confession: i would really, really, really like to get to a healthy level of in-shape-ness. biggest hindrance -- see above.
confession: i like my new apartment. i don't love it. i wish i did.
confession: sometimes i wish something huge or tragic would happen to me ... just so i could see how i would react.
confession: i secretly sometimes wish that i could be a successful singer/songwriter.
confession: even though i'm only 23.5, i'm starting to feel very, very old and rather unaccomplished.
confession: i don't behave like a 'typical' christian. but i'm certainly not afraid or embarassed to tell people that i am one.
confession: sometimes i miss the college years so much that it hurts.
confession: serving and leading out of brokenness is waaaay harder than serving and leading out of self-sufficiency, but it's also waaaaaaay more rewarding.
confession: i ebb and flow.
confession: i sin, and it doesn't always make me sick. which makes me sick.
confession: i want to do the children's moment at church sometime.
confession: i'm exhausted most of the time.
confession: i love music, but i am more passionate about other things. and it shows, especially to people who believe me to be a music guru or something.
confession: i am happy with some things in life right now. but in most things, i could definitely be a whole lot happier. and for some reason, knowing that but not knowing what to do about that has been really hard.
confession: i sometimes experience momentary jealousy of people who are amazing musicians. also, of people my age who are recently married/1st-time-parents, and of people my age who have really cool, creative, successful careers.
confession: i'm getting used to louisville, but i don't really like it.
confession: i don't evangelize in the traditional sense. but i evangelize every single day.
confession: i want my theology to meet my reality in all the places it doesn't currently.
confession: i have no clue what i want to do with my life. i have some ideas, but i could really go in any direction.
confession: i am pathetically undisciplined.
confession: i would really, really, really like to get to a healthy level of in-shape-ness. biggest hindrance -- see above.
confession: i like my new apartment. i don't love it. i wish i did.
confession: sometimes i wish something huge or tragic would happen to me ... just so i could see how i would react.
confession: i secretly sometimes wish that i could be a successful singer/songwriter.
confession: even though i'm only 23.5, i'm starting to feel very, very old and rather unaccomplished.
confession: i don't behave like a 'typical' christian. but i'm certainly not afraid or embarassed to tell people that i am one.
confession: sometimes i miss the college years so much that it hurts.
confession: serving and leading out of brokenness is waaaay harder than serving and leading out of self-sufficiency, but it's also waaaaaaay more rewarding.
confession: i ebb and flow.
confession: i sin, and it doesn't always make me sick. which makes me sick.
confession: i want to do the children's moment at church sometime.
confession: i'm exhausted most of the time.
8.31.2008
the time i sunk my uncle's boat.
this was a very interesting labor day weekend. strange, difficult, unexpected, frustrating, stressful, and ultimately, good. because, you see, each circumstance in our lives finds its direction from the Divine Hand.
well ... yes, it's true. i sunk a boat this weekend. not just any boat, mind you. it's my uncle's classic '67 glasspar (little racing boat), recently restored to better-than-original condition, and my dad's huge '85 mercury 115-hp straight-6 motor.
let me preface this story by saying that i'm not a complete boating idiot. i have a more-than-fair handle on what's going on in the water. but this boat is not easy to drive ... it's made difficult by the fact that the boat weighs 300 lbs and the motor weighs 400 lbs. it rides low to begin with ... add 4 girls and some wet towels to the mix, and idling with the motor trimmed all the way out (up) to go through the shallow channel, and we started getting water over the back edge. i tried to trim in (down) and make a run for it so i could run the bilge, but the boat wouldn't even plane -- that's how heavy it already was. so i pulled back (and more water rushed over the back), and a guy came by in a sea doo and offered to tow us to the shallows. i told the girls to jump out, we hooked up to his boat, we got about half way there, and it was the point of no return. i grabbed the box with the cameras and the cell phone, and i bailed. we watched as the boat made its way, vertically eventually, to the bottom of the lake. all that was left was a few colorful noodles and a floatation cushion, which we clipped to the now-useless tow-rope. i swam for shore, another sea doo picked up megan and shannon, and fink floated around swirting water with her hands :)
having made a phone call while the boat was still afloat, my dad and uncle were on their way (looking for a partially-submerged boat, of course). they both zoomed by, my uncle on the sea doo and my dad, later, in the fishing boat, and we had to flag them down. then came the awkward question, "where's the boat?" and the shameful gesture, pointing into the 25-ft-deep water (the lake at the deepest point is about 90 ft, so all things considered, we were lucky). then there was the look of sheer dejection: "oh, no...."
and my head was in my hands.
we relieved our rescuer, a friendly neighbor took megan and shannon home, fink and i loaded into the fishing boat (which ran out of gas before we got home), and (uncle) roger stayed to watch the makeshift bouy (the floatation cushion) and keep other boats (kind of) away. we came back and rotated the 'watching' shift so that roger and dad could make phone calls, and within the hour a diving team came out to lift the boat out. it went under at 4pm, and surfaced with the inflated diving balloons at 7pm. the nose popped out, but the boat was still under, so i towed it slowly with the sea doo to the shallows, where we pulled it by hand (totally filled with water) and started bailing it with buckets. our shoes, clothes, seats, sunscreen, fire extinguisher, paddle, and other stuff starting coming out of the nose, so we threw it all in the fishing boat (my brand-new chacos were rescued!). we bailed for about 35 minutes, until finally we could hook up some power and trim the motor back, and we hooked it up to the sea doo and towed it to the launching site, where roger and dad picked it up and brought it back to the house, taking everything apart immediately (the motor was dried out, cleaned, taken apart and put back together, and it ran like a charm this afternoon! and i would like to note that i re-installed the spark plugs. all six work.). we worked on it more this afternoon, and everything is slowly getting figured out about what will and won't need to be fixed/replaced.
so that's the long story. in short, though, it basically sucked. yeah, the sinking of the boat pretty much parallelled the sinking feeling in my stomach ... NOT a good position to be it. was it totally my fault? maybe not. but i was driving, and there's no escaping that guilt.
but there is something of beauty in being totally indebted to someone ... and that is the opportunity to embrace mercy in a real-life kind of way. no one got mad at me -- not once. no one (openly) blamed me or told me i was an idiot for doing or not doing something. no one asked me to pay the $600 for the divers' bill (Lord knows i don't have it!). and in fact, they told me that i "handled it well," and that i "did exactly what i was supposed to do."
amazingly enough, that's a tough pill for me to swallow. it almost would've felt better if i had more of punishment than a bad sunburn, a sore back, and some hardcore rope burns from pulling the boat up and bailing it out. i would almost feel better if i got lectured and blamed and taken through the third degree to make sure it was my fault (and not a crack in the boat).
somehow, the mercy doesn't feel safe ... it's as if i'm afraid that it will suddenly stop, and i'll have to evetually come to grips with all of the consequences. but that's the beauty of mercy, isn't it? of course there are unavoidable consequences (like being the butt of every joke this weekend). but none of the punishment has fallen on me, and none of it ever will. and the obvious lesson is of an even grander scale -- i have done far more heinous things in my life than sink a boat. and i will do even more. yet because of the Lord's great love for me, and because of my feeble faith in Him, none of the punishment will ever, ever fall on me. what an awe-ful thought. humbling, too.
and that's not all: even more good than that worthwhile lesson came from my sinking of the boat. but it had to get worse before it got better.
i know that this was just about the ultimate in stressful situations. the house was FULL of people, some of them strangers/guests, some of them family. and tensions basically skyrocketed with the news of a sunken boat. well, it didn't take long for the meltdown to occur, and there were too many cooks in the kitchen and too few peacemakers around. there was quite a bit of yelling that was basically unrelated to the situation at hand, and lots of feelings were hurt. there was a lot of bruised pride. and there was a really unfortunate lack of apologies.
so the next morning, the parties involved (my parents and my uncle and aunt) went to breakfast to get it all out.
and the resolution was astounding.
in the words of my dad, "we found out yesterday that we had put our treasure in this boat, instead of with God. we cared too much about this boat, and it became our first priorty."
so while i was learning about accepting mercy, they were learning about rejecting the american version of idolatry. because, after all, houses rot. wealth gets spent. health fails. and boats? well, they sink.
sometimes the Lord uses a whisper, or a brush on the shoulder to reveal a shining morsel of His truth to us. and sometimes ... well, sometimes He sinks our boat.
truth be told, i wouldn't have it any other way.
i think. ;)
well ... yes, it's true. i sunk a boat this weekend. not just any boat, mind you. it's my uncle's classic '67 glasspar (little racing boat), recently restored to better-than-original condition, and my dad's huge '85 mercury 115-hp straight-6 motor.
let me preface this story by saying that i'm not a complete boating idiot. i have a more-than-fair handle on what's going on in the water. but this boat is not easy to drive ... it's made difficult by the fact that the boat weighs 300 lbs and the motor weighs 400 lbs. it rides low to begin with ... add 4 girls and some wet towels to the mix, and idling with the motor trimmed all the way out (up) to go through the shallow channel, and we started getting water over the back edge. i tried to trim in (down) and make a run for it so i could run the bilge, but the boat wouldn't even plane -- that's how heavy it already was. so i pulled back (and more water rushed over the back), and a guy came by in a sea doo and offered to tow us to the shallows. i told the girls to jump out, we hooked up to his boat, we got about half way there, and it was the point of no return. i grabbed the box with the cameras and the cell phone, and i bailed. we watched as the boat made its way, vertically eventually, to the bottom of the lake. all that was left was a few colorful noodles and a floatation cushion, which we clipped to the now-useless tow-rope. i swam for shore, another sea doo picked up megan and shannon, and fink floated around swirting water with her hands :)
having made a phone call while the boat was still afloat, my dad and uncle were on their way (looking for a partially-submerged boat, of course). they both zoomed by, my uncle on the sea doo and my dad, later, in the fishing boat, and we had to flag them down. then came the awkward question, "where's the boat?" and the shameful gesture, pointing into the 25-ft-deep water (the lake at the deepest point is about 90 ft, so all things considered, we were lucky). then there was the look of sheer dejection: "oh, no...."
and my head was in my hands.
we relieved our rescuer, a friendly neighbor took megan and shannon home, fink and i loaded into the fishing boat (which ran out of gas before we got home), and (uncle) roger stayed to watch the makeshift bouy (the floatation cushion) and keep other boats (kind of) away. we came back and rotated the 'watching' shift so that roger and dad could make phone calls, and within the hour a diving team came out to lift the boat out. it went under at 4pm, and surfaced with the inflated diving balloons at 7pm. the nose popped out, but the boat was still under, so i towed it slowly with the sea doo to the shallows, where we pulled it by hand (totally filled with water) and started bailing it with buckets. our shoes, clothes, seats, sunscreen, fire extinguisher, paddle, and other stuff starting coming out of the nose, so we threw it all in the fishing boat (my brand-new chacos were rescued!). we bailed for about 35 minutes, until finally we could hook up some power and trim the motor back, and we hooked it up to the sea doo and towed it to the launching site, where roger and dad picked it up and brought it back to the house, taking everything apart immediately (the motor was dried out, cleaned, taken apart and put back together, and it ran like a charm this afternoon! and i would like to note that i re-installed the spark plugs. all six work.). we worked on it more this afternoon, and everything is slowly getting figured out about what will and won't need to be fixed/replaced.
so that's the long story. in short, though, it basically sucked. yeah, the sinking of the boat pretty much parallelled the sinking feeling in my stomach ... NOT a good position to be it. was it totally my fault? maybe not. but i was driving, and there's no escaping that guilt.
but there is something of beauty in being totally indebted to someone ... and that is the opportunity to embrace mercy in a real-life kind of way. no one got mad at me -- not once. no one (openly) blamed me or told me i was an idiot for doing or not doing something. no one asked me to pay the $600 for the divers' bill (Lord knows i don't have it!). and in fact, they told me that i "handled it well," and that i "did exactly what i was supposed to do."
amazingly enough, that's a tough pill for me to swallow. it almost would've felt better if i had more of punishment than a bad sunburn, a sore back, and some hardcore rope burns from pulling the boat up and bailing it out. i would almost feel better if i got lectured and blamed and taken through the third degree to make sure it was my fault (and not a crack in the boat).
somehow, the mercy doesn't feel safe ... it's as if i'm afraid that it will suddenly stop, and i'll have to evetually come to grips with all of the consequences. but that's the beauty of mercy, isn't it? of course there are unavoidable consequences (like being the butt of every joke this weekend). but none of the punishment has fallen on me, and none of it ever will. and the obvious lesson is of an even grander scale -- i have done far more heinous things in my life than sink a boat. and i will do even more. yet because of the Lord's great love for me, and because of my feeble faith in Him, none of the punishment will ever, ever fall on me. what an awe-ful thought. humbling, too.
and that's not all: even more good than that worthwhile lesson came from my sinking of the boat. but it had to get worse before it got better.
i know that this was just about the ultimate in stressful situations. the house was FULL of people, some of them strangers/guests, some of them family. and tensions basically skyrocketed with the news of a sunken boat. well, it didn't take long for the meltdown to occur, and there were too many cooks in the kitchen and too few peacemakers around. there was quite a bit of yelling that was basically unrelated to the situation at hand, and lots of feelings were hurt. there was a lot of bruised pride. and there was a really unfortunate lack of apologies.
so the next morning, the parties involved (my parents and my uncle and aunt) went to breakfast to get it all out.
and the resolution was astounding.
in the words of my dad, "we found out yesterday that we had put our treasure in this boat, instead of with God. we cared too much about this boat, and it became our first priorty."
so while i was learning about accepting mercy, they were learning about rejecting the american version of idolatry. because, after all, houses rot. wealth gets spent. health fails. and boats? well, they sink.
sometimes the Lord uses a whisper, or a brush on the shoulder to reveal a shining morsel of His truth to us. and sometimes ... well, sometimes He sinks our boat.
truth be told, i wouldn't have it any other way.
i think. ;)
8.29.2008
very cool.
jars of clay, third day, and switchfoot just built a habitat for humanity house in indianapolis. man, that's something i wish i could've stumbled upon while i was in town ... :) very cool, in any case. stellar group of guys.
7.26.2008
merit vs. depravity
i believe it is true that when the nature of christ is formed in me by the power of the holy spirit, i will begin to love other people NOT based on their own merit (or lovablity), but based on the loving nature of God.
yes, i want to be able to love people that way.
but i don't want to BE loved that way. not even by God.
i want someone to love me because of how cool i am, or because they think i'm beautiful, or because i have really good taste in music, or because i rock out on the guitar, or because i am eloqent and thoughtful, or because i am wise, or because i do incredible things for others, or because i'm so original, or because i'm so giving.
(not all of the above statements are necessarily true ... i'm not always eloquent, anyway. the others are all true *wink*)
anyway. i don't want to be some pathetic object of pity love. i don't want only the people who are filled with the compassionate nature of christ to love me only because they are compelled to by the love to christ. i want to be awesome! i want to be cool! i want to be beautiful, and i want to be loved because of it!
i'm still trying to figure out if this is a bad thing, or if it's ok on some level. (hint hint, i'd love your input). but i'm thinking that it's mostly because i am self-centered, prideful, and insecure. in short, depraved. and when i think about how i was created to need jesus like crazy, like not be able to be anything good apart from Him, i think that the extremes that my pride, selfishness, and insecurities take me to are not good places.
and who knows ... maybe when i really start to surrender all my failings (and flailings-about), i'll become beautiful, and awesome, and cool, and wise, and eloquent, and thoughtful, and giving, and talented, and original, and totally, utterly, completely lovable.
and maybe, when i get to that place, i'll also become a better lover of others.
maybe that's how it's supposed to work. the fruit of christ in the midst of my depravity isn't merit, but it is a good work. and as soon as it becomes merit again, i've lost all my depravity, and hence, the work of god in my life.
so bring it on. i don't need no stinkin' merit.
(for the next minute and a half, anyway. after that, we'll see.)
yes, i want to be able to love people that way.
but i don't want to BE loved that way. not even by God.
i want someone to love me because of how cool i am, or because they think i'm beautiful, or because i have really good taste in music, or because i rock out on the guitar, or because i am eloqent and thoughtful, or because i am wise, or because i do incredible things for others, or because i'm so original, or because i'm so giving.
(not all of the above statements are necessarily true ... i'm not always eloquent, anyway. the others are all true *wink*)
anyway. i don't want to be some pathetic object of pity love. i don't want only the people who are filled with the compassionate nature of christ to love me only because they are compelled to by the love to christ. i want to be awesome! i want to be cool! i want to be beautiful, and i want to be loved because of it!
i'm still trying to figure out if this is a bad thing, or if it's ok on some level. (hint hint, i'd love your input). but i'm thinking that it's mostly because i am self-centered, prideful, and insecure. in short, depraved. and when i think about how i was created to need jesus like crazy, like not be able to be anything good apart from Him, i think that the extremes that my pride, selfishness, and insecurities take me to are not good places.
and who knows ... maybe when i really start to surrender all my failings (and flailings-about), i'll become beautiful, and awesome, and cool, and wise, and eloquent, and thoughtful, and giving, and talented, and original, and totally, utterly, completely lovable.
and maybe, when i get to that place, i'll also become a better lover of others.
maybe that's how it's supposed to work. the fruit of christ in the midst of my depravity isn't merit, but it is a good work. and as soon as it becomes merit again, i've lost all my depravity, and hence, the work of god in my life.
so bring it on. i don't need no stinkin' merit.
(for the next minute and a half, anyway. after that, we'll see.)
7.12.2008
overheard at starbucks
"sir, do you have a flat bottom?"
--anonymous starbucks partner to starbucks whole-bean customer--
best. moment. ever.
--anonymous starbucks partner to starbucks whole-bean customer--
best. moment. ever.
6.24.2008
heaven
today, i remembered once having a conversation with my dad about heaven. i was probably six, and he asked me what i thought heaven would be like. i considered it for a moment, then i said, “i think it will be just like being at the lake all the time.”
“what will we do there?”
thinking again, “… we’ll go fishing every day.”
i also thought there would be lots of fudge popsicles.
today, as i was reading ‘don’t waste your life,’ heaven was on my mind again. the childhood anecdote is a funny one, of course, because now i’m sure that i would never, EVER want to go fishing every day for eternity. but it also points to a certain truth that i am beginning to learn in a very real way: my joy is a vital part of what God is all about. especially my eternal joy. even at six years old, i somehow understood that heaven was a place of supreme joy. no more tears. no more pain. and at the time, the greatest joy i understood was found in the moments shared with my father in a little aluminum fishing boat on the still, clear water of
it was the peace of those moments when all other cares were forgotten. it was the security of those moments when my father’s great love for me was unquestioned. those were the moments that i never wanted to end. those were a six-year-old’s glimpse into eternity.
of course, i out-grew fishing expeditions, and i out-grew the rose-colored glasses through which i saw my dad. and i found a Father with an even greater love, a perfect love, and i needed no rose-colored glasses to see how wonderful He is, nor did i need fishing expeditions to experience the peace and security of His presence. and having seen His glory in snatches and glimpses, an eternity of fishing with papa bell could hardly compare to an eternity in His presence. because in His presence is the FULLNESS of JOY. and eternal life is that i would know Him, truly and intimately.
no worm-baited fishing poles necessary :)
so i’m looking forward with great expectations to the day when i will see Him face to face, when all the weariness of the world will slip away, when all i will know is pure, complete joy …
… but until then, i’ll keep returning to
evening on the dock
pre-sunset
most beautiful sunset i've ever seen at the lake
a windy sunset :)
6.16.2008
could it be?
i used to be so proud of myself, because i was open-minded, i was someone who would embrace change. i would be willing to go anywhere and do anything, no matter how far-flung, no matter how preposterous. i would not say no, if the Lord said go.
and then He said go.
and i said no.
or i wanted to, at least.
but after spending months and months in the slow death of winter, i am beginning to see signs of spring. and in, perhaps, the least likely of ways.
let me explain:
the very parts of me that felt like they were killing me have become the very things that are brining me to life. the things that i thought i hated, i have been called to. and though i came in with feet dragging, i am seeing that i don't hate them, and i don't hate the fact that i belong with them.
i am learning to celebrate the very things that make me human. my failure to transcend this world is nothing more than a glorious revelation that i was never meant to be able to on my own. and i'm not out of it yet. in fact, i believe that Jesus wants to make my life transcendent, but He can't do that until my own frailty has been well established.
so i will rejoice, therefore, in all my weaknesses ....
it's never been truer.
and then He said go.
and i said no.
or i wanted to, at least.
but after spending months and months in the slow death of winter, i am beginning to see signs of spring. and in, perhaps, the least likely of ways.
let me explain:
the very parts of me that felt like they were killing me have become the very things that are brining me to life. the things that i thought i hated, i have been called to. and though i came in with feet dragging, i am seeing that i don't hate them, and i don't hate the fact that i belong with them.
i am learning to celebrate the very things that make me human. my failure to transcend this world is nothing more than a glorious revelation that i was never meant to be able to on my own. and i'm not out of it yet. in fact, i believe that Jesus wants to make my life transcendent, but He can't do that until my own frailty has been well established.
so i will rejoice, therefore, in all my weaknesses ....
it's never been truer.
6.15.2008
moved.
i am officially down in jeffersonville, indiana, for the next two months. i'll be working at a UMC down here, doing music ministry, and helping out in some other areas as well.
people talk funny down here :)
in other news, here is my summer reading list:
"the irresistible revolution" -- shane claiborne
"don't waste your life" -- john piper
"the abolition of man" -- c.s. lewis
the harry potter books ... re-reads, of course :)
i'd also like to add to this collection a few more c.s. lewis books and hopefully "a severe mercy." i can't decide if those will be library borrows or if i'll just break down and buy them ... but i would like to get some more steinbeck from the library.
what are you reading this summer? i love suggestions :D
people talk funny down here :)
in other news, here is my summer reading list:
"the irresistible revolution" -- shane claiborne
"don't waste your life" -- john piper
"the abolition of man" -- c.s. lewis
the harry potter books ... re-reads, of course :)
i'd also like to add to this collection a few more c.s. lewis books and hopefully "a severe mercy." i can't decide if those will be library borrows or if i'll just break down and buy them ... but i would like to get some more steinbeck from the library.
what are you reading this summer? i love suggestions :D
6.09.2008
the place i was wasn't perfect, but i had found a way to live
rarely has a song echoed so exactly what my heart is feeling now.
the past is so easily romanticized. and the future leaves me as easily jaded. and neither emotion reflects reality. the truth is that i need to learn to trust and obey. and experience the fullness of joy and the peace that passes understanding.
---
to be really introspective about it, the reality is that i've been putting an awful lot of roots in things that aren't Christ. and not putting enough roots in Christ. i say, "Jesus, take me anywhere You want." and i would go wherever He goes easily if i were more rooted in Him. but i have become far too rooted in places, relationships, jobs, and in a life that is temporary.
only He will endure.
only what is done for Him will last.
only His work will remain.
only He is worth living in and living for.
the past is so easily romanticized. and the future leaves me as easily jaded. and neither emotion reflects reality. the truth is that i need to learn to trust and obey. and experience the fullness of joy and the peace that passes understanding.
---
to be really introspective about it, the reality is that i've been putting an awful lot of roots in things that aren't Christ. and not putting enough roots in Christ. i say, "Jesus, take me anywhere You want." and i would go wherever He goes easily if i were more rooted in Him. but i have become far too rooted in places, relationships, jobs, and in a life that is temporary.
only He will endure.
only what is done for Him will last.
only His work will remain.
only He is worth living in and living for.
6.02.2008
“The one thing that the poor strengthless sinner has to fix his mind upon, and firmly retain, as his one ground of hope, is the divine assurance that ‘in due time Christ died for the ungodly.’
Believe this, and all inability will disappear.
As it is fabled of Midas that he turned everything into gold by his touch, so it is true of faith that it turns everything it touches into good. Our very needs and weaknesses become blessings when faith deals with them.”
--C. H. Spurgeon--
no need to be bitter or embarrassed.
no need to make excuses.
no need to save face and make a joke out of it.
my failing is the sweetest thing that has ever happened.
it's where God reveals His glorious strength and love.
"i would rather boast, therefore, in my weaknesses ..."
now if only to live each moment with that faith.
no need to make excuses.
no need to save face and make a joke out of it.
my failing is the sweetest thing that has ever happened.
it's where God reveals His glorious strength and love.
"i would rather boast, therefore, in my weaknesses ..."
now if only to live each moment with that faith.
6.01.2008
i'm feeling this strange sensation ... is it called fast-forwarding?
i know that time goes faster as i get older ...
... but i still believe that i shouldn't look at the date and think, "hmm. a year just went right by me."
i think i'll start reading the newest addition to my library: piper, 'don't waste your life.'
maybe i need to stop asking what i want to do with my life ...
and start asking what He wants to with with my today.
... but i still believe that i shouldn't look at the date and think, "hmm. a year just went right by me."
i think i'll start reading the newest addition to my library: piper, 'don't waste your life.'
maybe i need to stop asking what i want to do with my life ...
and start asking what He wants to with with my today.
5.26.2008
drop-out
i can't exactly pin-point the real reasons why i have a tendency to be a now-and-again blog school drop out. but i have a hunch that it's got something to do with shying away from introspection. i'm also not entirely sure that i have anything worth saying. or that anyone is listening.
maybe i care too much. or not enough. or maybe i care about the wrong things.
also, my belly button itches.
maybe i care too much. or not enough. or maybe i care about the wrong things.
also, my belly button itches.
4.13.2008
let me give it to you straight
grace.
grace equals total freedom. grace means no merit, not even an iota. grace means total acceptance. grace is unconditional love with no expectations of performance.
even in the face of total failure. even in the face of crippling sin. even in the face of uncertainty. even when i blunder about and mess everything up worse than it ever was before. even when my failures have spilled over into other people's lives. even when my mistakes hinder not just me, but everyone around me.
grace is a gift. freely given. voluntarily given. joyfully given.
grace asks for no explanations.
grace can't hear your reasons why.
grace won't stand for your excuses.
grace is your second chance. grace is your fresh start.
every
single
moment.
and every moment, you are utterly covered by grace. there is no fault too grievous, no crime too heinous, no misstep so crippling, no failure so far gone that grace cannot overcome.
may you know -- truly know -- the grace of Jesus Christ.
"I have done it, and I will carry you;
I will bear you and I will deliver you."
isaiah forty-six
it's not on me. and that is my only hope. the truth of grace is all my hope.
grace equals total freedom. grace means no merit, not even an iota. grace means total acceptance. grace is unconditional love with no expectations of performance.
even in the face of total failure. even in the face of crippling sin. even in the face of uncertainty. even when i blunder about and mess everything up worse than it ever was before. even when my failures have spilled over into other people's lives. even when my mistakes hinder not just me, but everyone around me.
grace is a gift. freely given. voluntarily given. joyfully given.
grace asks for no explanations.
grace can't hear your reasons why.
grace won't stand for your excuses.
grace is your second chance. grace is your fresh start.
every
single
moment.
and every moment, you are utterly covered by grace. there is no fault too grievous, no crime too heinous, no misstep so crippling, no failure so far gone that grace cannot overcome.
may you know -- truly know -- the grace of Jesus Christ.
"I have done it, and I will carry you;
I will bear you and I will deliver you."
isaiah forty-six
it's not on me. and that is my only hope. the truth of grace is all my hope.
4.07.2008
forty years.
would my faith last that long? what would be revealed about the condition of my heart if the promise's delivery were prolonged for forty years? i can hardly last three months ... nevermind forty years.
"...the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart..."
deuteronomy eight:two
for a long time i thought that character was built on the most difficult days. surely it was in the midst of the hottest fire and the greatest pressure that my gold was refined and my diamond was formed.
but did you know that even if great pressure is exerted onto carbon molecules, it doesn't necessarily mean it will form into a diamond? and even if diamond crystals do form, the conditions have to remain perfect and stable for thousands of years in order to produce a diamond. AND when the diamond is formed, it looks nothing like what you think of when you think of a diamond. it actually looks kind of like a translucent shiny rock. sometimes they are lumpy or dirty.
all that is to say that i don't think it's the moments of greatest trial that produce good character. i believe that the moments of greatest trial reveal the character that has already been built in the every day, in the mundane.
because if i can't trust the Lord with my plans for next week, i'm sure as heck not going to trust him with my life in a year, or five years. if i don't want to apply the Word of God to my interactions with my close friends, i certainly won't do it when i encounter the surliest of strangers.
i really hope that i understand the gravity of the every day. it's how i order and live my life every day that prepares me for the catastrophic moments that are sure to come. and when they come, they will rip open my heart and reveal what is truly inside for the whole world to see.
will it be black and bitter? stubborn and hard as a rock? crusty and despairing?
or will it be living and lovely? will it be soft with surrender? will it be full of faith and compassion and hope?
it's not going to rain every day. but i don't throw away my umbrella just because it's sunny today.
"...the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart..."
deuteronomy eight:two
for a long time i thought that character was built on the most difficult days. surely it was in the midst of the hottest fire and the greatest pressure that my gold was refined and my diamond was formed.
but did you know that even if great pressure is exerted onto carbon molecules, it doesn't necessarily mean it will form into a diamond? and even if diamond crystals do form, the conditions have to remain perfect and stable for thousands of years in order to produce a diamond. AND when the diamond is formed, it looks nothing like what you think of when you think of a diamond. it actually looks kind of like a translucent shiny rock. sometimes they are lumpy or dirty.
all that is to say that i don't think it's the moments of greatest trial that produce good character. i believe that the moments of greatest trial reveal the character that has already been built in the every day, in the mundane.
because if i can't trust the Lord with my plans for next week, i'm sure as heck not going to trust him with my life in a year, or five years. if i don't want to apply the Word of God to my interactions with my close friends, i certainly won't do it when i encounter the surliest of strangers.
i really hope that i understand the gravity of the every day. it's how i order and live my life every day that prepares me for the catastrophic moments that are sure to come. and when they come, they will rip open my heart and reveal what is truly inside for the whole world to see.
will it be black and bitter? stubborn and hard as a rock? crusty and despairing?
or will it be living and lovely? will it be soft with surrender? will it be full of faith and compassion and hope?
it's not going to rain every day. but i don't throw away my umbrella just because it's sunny today.
4.06.2008
slightly off-color, yet frighteningly accurate.
thank you, susan, for pointing me to the official list of stuff white people like.
i am much, much whiter than i ever thought possible.
i am much, much whiter than i ever thought possible.
4.04.2008
reason # 32 i don't like walmart
this is hilarious ..... i'm rhett and link's newest and most devoted fan.
3.23.2008
do you give a damn?
abraham piper on pilate and the crucifixion of christ:
"Among the vilest responses to Christ’s suffering was Pilate’s.
"Among the vilest responses to Christ’s suffering was Pilate’s.
He didn’t betray, deny, or holler “Crucify!”
He just didn’t give a damn."
apathy. it is the foulest of sentiments you could have towards the glorious god of the universe.
and i find myself it its grip far to frequently.3.18.2008
girls, we rock
so i use google reader pretty avidly. and when it's been a couple of hours since i've checked it, i usually have anywhere between 5 and 20 new blog updates to read. they range from close friends of mine to pastors of churches that i've never even been to. it really runs the gamut.
well i just checked my reader after about 6 hours, and there were five updated blogs.
all women :D all with wonderful things to say.
and it was one of the most refreshing experiences i've had in a while.
so ladies, thanks for being awesome women.
that's all!!
well i just checked my reader after about 6 hours, and there were five updated blogs.
all women :D all with wonderful things to say.
and it was one of the most refreshing experiences i've had in a while.
so ladies, thanks for being awesome women.
that's all!!
3.14.2008
i am much smaller than i realize
a few weeks ago, on a sunday morning, i was at church. we began as usual, with a worship set. but this time, i couldn't even fake it. i just stood there and cried. granted, this was mere minutes after i found out that my cousin jason's brain tumor couldn't be fully removed, and that it was a fast-growing and often-returning type of tumor.
but i'll be honest: the attitude that yields a worshipful heart has been very far from me lately. so the moments of worshiping "in spirit and in truth" have been very few, scattered between moments of mostly faking or moments of just plain avoiding it.
this morning i was (quite literally) reduced to real, grounding worship. when i say "grounding," i mean the kind of worship that throws you to the ground in tears.
and i realized a few things.
first of all, i am very small. God is very big. let's see: He breathes stars. His words create breath and life. His imagination brought about galaxies and solar systems and universes, probably much more than we know. and in His wisdom He has made the human body so perfectly, with millions of intricacies. probably much more than we know. and besides the sheer depth of His wisdom and creativity, there's the basic vastness of His physical size. we're talking about a God whose centimeter is a light-year. His physical scale is so far beyond our comprehension that we start using words like "quadrillion" to describe the size of things in His universe. He's very, very big. and i am very, very, very small. in fact ... i am but dust...
second of all, He is very worthy.
this is the crux for me, i think. when i lose sight of God's worthiness, i have no reason to worship Him. today it just so happened that when i considered God's size and depth of wisdom, it taught me something of His worthiness, and that brought me to worship. but the basic issue is worth ... my fundamental problem is that i start to believe that i am worthy of recognition and valuation, and i quickly forget the sheer worthiness of Jesus. in fact, that is the ONLY reason i should worship Him. not because the song is cool or because i got blessed or because the act affords me a sense of being OK or because i want people to see me doing it. no, the only reason i worship (if it is in spirit and in truth) is because He is worthy.
i worship
because Jesus
is
worthy.
in the face of joy and pain. when i see life and death. whether i am righteous or a sinner. when i know it all and when i can't see an inch in front of me. when the road is smooth and well-lit, and when the path is dark and filled with pain. when i have faith ... and when i have none. though the world, my life, and the people around me should change chaotically.
Jesus
is
worthy.
"and THAT makes God look glorious." -- piper
'it's not about me' is an understatement.
so when i consider my stony heart, i know that the remedy is Jesus. not because i am so in need of help, but because He is so very, very worthy.
"for by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." colossians one : sixteen and seventeen
but i'll be honest: the attitude that yields a worshipful heart has been very far from me lately. so the moments of worshiping "in spirit and in truth" have been very few, scattered between moments of mostly faking or moments of just plain avoiding it.
this morning i was (quite literally) reduced to real, grounding worship. when i say "grounding," i mean the kind of worship that throws you to the ground in tears.
and i realized a few things.
first of all, i am very small. God is very big. let's see: He breathes stars. His words create breath and life. His imagination brought about galaxies and solar systems and universes, probably much more than we know. and in His wisdom He has made the human body so perfectly, with millions of intricacies. probably much more than we know. and besides the sheer depth of His wisdom and creativity, there's the basic vastness of His physical size. we're talking about a God whose centimeter is a light-year. His physical scale is so far beyond our comprehension that we start using words like "quadrillion" to describe the size of things in His universe. He's very, very big. and i am very, very, very small. in fact ... i am but dust...
second of all, He is very worthy.
this is the crux for me, i think. when i lose sight of God's worthiness, i have no reason to worship Him. today it just so happened that when i considered God's size and depth of wisdom, it taught me something of His worthiness, and that brought me to worship. but the basic issue is worth ... my fundamental problem is that i start to believe that i am worthy of recognition and valuation, and i quickly forget the sheer worthiness of Jesus. in fact, that is the ONLY reason i should worship Him. not because the song is cool or because i got blessed or because the act affords me a sense of being OK or because i want people to see me doing it. no, the only reason i worship (if it is in spirit and in truth) is because He is worthy.
i worship
because Jesus
is
worthy.
in the face of joy and pain. when i see life and death. whether i am righteous or a sinner. when i know it all and when i can't see an inch in front of me. when the road is smooth and well-lit, and when the path is dark and filled with pain. when i have faith ... and when i have none. though the world, my life, and the people around me should change chaotically.
Jesus
is
worthy.
"and THAT makes God look glorious." -- piper
'it's not about me' is an understatement.
so when i consider my stony heart, i know that the remedy is Jesus. not because i am so in need of help, but because He is so very, very worthy.
"for by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." colossians one : sixteen and seventeen
3.12.2008
weary
i got the flu. it was AWFUL. awful. fever of 102.7 ... sleeping for 12 hours straight (unheard of for me) ... aches, congestion, headaches, cough, sore throat, nausea, basically the gamut of flu symptoms. it was not fun.
i did get five days off of work, though ... although returning today was a struggle on "only" 7 hours of sleep ;)
but the flu is not the only reason i'm weary. i'm just plain worn-out. this little respite was only a taste of what i feel like i actually need. i'm weary of running around all the time. i'm weary of barely making ends meet. i'm weary of 'owing' so much of myself and my time to other people. quite honestly, i'm weary of my phone ringing. i'm weary of thinking/worrying about jason. i'm weary of driving. i'm weary of my to-do list.
and although the flu stopped me in my tracks for a couple of days, it couldn't keep it all from coming flooding back in at the first sign of health.
so what's the solution? i've already cut out a lot of things ... and yes, that has helped. but quite frankly, until i learn to need Jesus for every moment, until i learn to live in surrender and dwell under grace all the time, until i see supernatural work of peace over my heart ... i'm going to continue to be weary.
i guess we'll see how long i last ....
i'm betting it won't be too much longer ;)
so i'm getting ready to fall on grace.
i did get five days off of work, though ... although returning today was a struggle on "only" 7 hours of sleep ;)
but the flu is not the only reason i'm weary. i'm just plain worn-out. this little respite was only a taste of what i feel like i actually need. i'm weary of running around all the time. i'm weary of barely making ends meet. i'm weary of 'owing' so much of myself and my time to other people. quite honestly, i'm weary of my phone ringing. i'm weary of thinking/worrying about jason. i'm weary of driving. i'm weary of my to-do list.
and although the flu stopped me in my tracks for a couple of days, it couldn't keep it all from coming flooding back in at the first sign of health.
so what's the solution? i've already cut out a lot of things ... and yes, that has helped. but quite frankly, until i learn to need Jesus for every moment, until i learn to live in surrender and dwell under grace all the time, until i see supernatural work of peace over my heart ... i'm going to continue to be weary.
i guess we'll see how long i last ....
i'm betting it won't be too much longer ;)
so i'm getting ready to fall on grace.
3.05.2008
oh death, where is your sting?
the edges are pressing in around me. i think this is what empty feels like. joy is a distant memory. and i am tired. i have nothing to give. i'm failing at most everything. i wish i were different. and more than anything else, i just want to believe that my Abba loves me.
today i talked with my mom. she's a nurse, and she doesn't know everything in the world of medicine, but she knows a good bit .... and her assessment of jason's situation was less than hopeful. when she was talking to one of her sisters and she said that there was no good in this. her sister didn't completely agree, but my mom insisted, "how could there be anything good in a 24 year old with an aggressive brain tumor?"
i'm right there with her, on the brink of despairing. it would take just a breeze to brush me off the cliff into the oblivion of hopelessness.
never before have i struggled so to believe the truth, "O Death, where is your victory? O Death, where is your sting?" though it may not have the victory forever, it seems to overwhelm me now. and what i feel when i stare this human frailty in the face is much sharper than a sting.
oh Lord, what can we do? all flesh is fleeting. we are but grass. from dust we came. we are incapable. we are broken. we are feeble. we are small and foolish and so very deceived. yet You have made us a little lower than the angels, given us dominion over the earth ... perhaps to show us how little dominion we actually have.
like gandalf to the hobbits, "yet hope remains, while the company is true." there is only one true companion. only one faithful. only one who loves freely. only one gracious. only one compassionate. only one who creates and sustains all life. only one who speaks things into life or death. only one who knows the end. only one who leads us with gentleness to the streams of living water. only one who can make sense of the chaos of this life.
he never fails.
never.
He is my hope through the tears. He is my hope for restoration. He is my hope for rescue. He is my hope for victory.
oh Jesus ... i put all my hope in You.
and all the rest of my life fades to gray.
today i talked with my mom. she's a nurse, and she doesn't know everything in the world of medicine, but she knows a good bit .... and her assessment of jason's situation was less than hopeful. when she was talking to one of her sisters and she said that there was no good in this. her sister didn't completely agree, but my mom insisted, "how could there be anything good in a 24 year old with an aggressive brain tumor?"
i'm right there with her, on the brink of despairing. it would take just a breeze to brush me off the cliff into the oblivion of hopelessness.
never before have i struggled so to believe the truth, "O Death, where is your victory? O Death, where is your sting?" though it may not have the victory forever, it seems to overwhelm me now. and what i feel when i stare this human frailty in the face is much sharper than a sting.
oh Lord, what can we do? all flesh is fleeting. we are but grass. from dust we came. we are incapable. we are broken. we are feeble. we are small and foolish and so very deceived. yet You have made us a little lower than the angels, given us dominion over the earth ... perhaps to show us how little dominion we actually have.
like gandalf to the hobbits, "yet hope remains, while the company is true." there is only one true companion. only one faithful. only one who loves freely. only one gracious. only one compassionate. only one who creates and sustains all life. only one who speaks things into life or death. only one who knows the end. only one who leads us with gentleness to the streams of living water. only one who can make sense of the chaos of this life.
he never fails.
never.
He is my hope through the tears. He is my hope for restoration. He is my hope for rescue. He is my hope for victory.
oh Jesus ... i put all my hope in You.
and all the rest of my life fades to gray.
3.03.2008
who told us we'd be rescued from nightmares?
Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.
--jesus--
john fourteen
--jesus--
john fourteen
3.02.2008
though the mountains may crumble into the sea
yesterday was march first.
yesterday i hung out with my mom. i had a soy misto and a blueberry scone. we spent an hour at a cool yarn shop. i bought a laptop (finally on sale). we found a cool hat on sale. we ate lunch at chik-fil-a. we took care of the animals at the house i was house sitting at this weekend.
we got a phone call.
my cousin has a brain tumor.
my twenty-four-year-old cousin jason has a cancerous brain tumor.
and the rest of my life fades to gray.
today is march second.
today i woke up.
i showered.
i fed the animals.
i got in my car and drove to church.
i called my mom.
he had surgery last night. they removed 80% of the tumor. but it's definitely cancer, and it's the kind that likes to come back.
i couldn't sing at church today.
listen to Me, o house of jacob, and all the remnant of the house of israel,
you who have been borne by Me from birth and have been carried from the womb;
even to your old age, I will be the same,
and even to your graying years, I will bear you.
I have done it, and I will carry you;
I will bear you and I will deliver you.
for I am God, and there is no one like Me,
declaring the end from the beginning,
and from ancient times the things which have not yet been done,
saying, 'My purpose will be established,
and I will accomplish all My good pleasure.'
listen to Me, you stubborn-minded, who are far from righteousness.
I bring near My righteousness,
it is not far off;
and My salvation will not delay.
and I will grant salvation in Zion,
and My glory for Israel.
isaiah forty-six
please pray for jason.
yesterday i hung out with my mom. i had a soy misto and a blueberry scone. we spent an hour at a cool yarn shop. i bought a laptop (finally on sale). we found a cool hat on sale. we ate lunch at chik-fil-a. we took care of the animals at the house i was house sitting at this weekend.
we got a phone call.
my cousin has a brain tumor.
my twenty-four-year-old cousin jason has a cancerous brain tumor.
and the rest of my life fades to gray.
today is march second.
today i woke up.
i showered.
i fed the animals.
i got in my car and drove to church.
i called my mom.
he had surgery last night. they removed 80% of the tumor. but it's definitely cancer, and it's the kind that likes to come back.
i couldn't sing at church today.
listen to Me, o house of jacob, and all the remnant of the house of israel,
you who have been borne by Me from birth and have been carried from the womb;
even to your old age, I will be the same,
and even to your graying years, I will bear you.
I have done it, and I will carry you;
I will bear you and I will deliver you.
for I am God, and there is no one like Me,
declaring the end from the beginning,
and from ancient times the things which have not yet been done,
saying, 'My purpose will be established,
and I will accomplish all My good pleasure.'
listen to Me, you stubborn-minded, who are far from righteousness.
I bring near My righteousness,
it is not far off;
and My salvation will not delay.
and I will grant salvation in Zion,
and My glory for Israel.
isaiah forty-six
please pray for jason.
2.12.2008
deluded
today, i pondered the 38th street hooter's palm trees. how much money is spent (read: wasted) in lighting those trees? who decided that the flashing lighted palm trees would be a good marketing idea? and are we really so deluded that we would just eat right out of that idiot's hand?
"ooo ... those are cool ..."
yeah, or not.
but i went to walmart last night. and i bought headbands and ice cream. necessary? no. a shiny distraction to delude me that my life is good? probably much closer to the truth.
i'm quickly deluded into that kind of thinking, though. i miss out on the things that are truly good because i get distracted by things that look good. but today, i'm hungry for something that will truly satisfy. i'm longing for something that is truly good.
"this too is vanity and striving after the wind ... one hand full of rest is better than two fists full of labor and striving after wind." -- king solomon.
"ooo ... those are cool ..."
yeah, or not.
but i went to walmart last night. and i bought headbands and ice cream. necessary? no. a shiny distraction to delude me that my life is good? probably much closer to the truth.
i'm quickly deluded into that kind of thinking, though. i miss out on the things that are truly good because i get distracted by things that look good. but today, i'm hungry for something that will truly satisfy. i'm longing for something that is truly good.
"this too is vanity and striving after the wind ... one hand full of rest is better than two fists full of labor and striving after wind." -- king solomon.
2.11.2008
on my nasal health
ok, so if you know me pretty well, you have probably heard me talk rather frequently about my nasal health (or lack thereof). throughout my life, i have been plagued by nasal issues. not only do i experience allergic reactions to most things indoors and outdoors, causing an excess of clear, runny snot to project from my nose, but i also have very small nostrils and very small nasal passages. this causes lots of problems, including but not limited to: snoring, sleeping with my mouth open, not being able to breathe through my nose most of the time or for extended periods of time, frequent nose-blowing, frequent sniffling, and sometimes a nasal-y sounding voice. oh, and sinus headaches.
into this picture of my nasal life, enter my friend megan. megan is wonderful ... she is neat and orderly, proper, mannerly, polite, and clean. and she likes it when the people around her are somewhat similar in nature. well, my sniveling, snotty mess of sinus area doesn't really rub her the right way. it's not a bad thing -- my constant sniffles just bug her (more than some other poeple). so she got me this present for graduation:
yes, believe your eyes. it's a nasal flush pot. you mix up some salt with some lukewarm water, stick the spout up one nostril, breathe through your mouth, tilt your head sideways, and let the water run up one side, through the sinuses, and out the other nostril. it's quite the contraption.
now i cannot lie ... while i was intrigued and impressed by this gift (that i got last may), i have been PETRIFIED of it. i mean, i'm having visions of that brain burn you get when the pool water goes up your nose. not fun. and not worth whatever supposed good effects it might bring. so i haven't touched it. i hadn't even taken it out of the box.
until three days ago.
because three days ago, my other good friend shannon held my hand (well, not literally) through the whole thing.
and it was amazing. AND it was not painful.
i'm hooked. and i can breathe through my nose!!!!!! for the first time ever!!! it's AMAZING. i'm on day three now.
so you should try it. for real.
into this picture of my nasal life, enter my friend megan. megan is wonderful ... she is neat and orderly, proper, mannerly, polite, and clean. and she likes it when the people around her are somewhat similar in nature. well, my sniveling, snotty mess of sinus area doesn't really rub her the right way. it's not a bad thing -- my constant sniffles just bug her (more than some other poeple). so she got me this present for graduation:
yes, believe your eyes. it's a nasal flush pot. you mix up some salt with some lukewarm water, stick the spout up one nostril, breathe through your mouth, tilt your head sideways, and let the water run up one side, through the sinuses, and out the other nostril. it's quite the contraption.
now i cannot lie ... while i was intrigued and impressed by this gift (that i got last may), i have been PETRIFIED of it. i mean, i'm having visions of that brain burn you get when the pool water goes up your nose. not fun. and not worth whatever supposed good effects it might bring. so i haven't touched it. i hadn't even taken it out of the box.
until three days ago.
because three days ago, my other good friend shannon held my hand (well, not literally) through the whole thing.
and it was amazing. AND it was not painful.
i'm hooked. and i can breathe through my nose!!!!!! for the first time ever!!! it's AMAZING. i'm on day three now.
so you should try it. for real.
2.09.2008
Your renown -- shaun groves
On this journey home
I will walk Your road
I will not turn 'round
For another
Make my pathway straight
Into heaven's gates
I will not turn 'round
For another
Lord, it's Your renown
Your eternal fame
That I live for now
It's Your name
It's Your name
For Your name
In my heart I'm sure
I'm completely Yours
I will not bow down
For another
Trade my selfishness
For Your holiness
I will not bow down
For another
Lord, it's Your renown
Your eternal fame
That I live for now
It's Your name
It's Your name
For Your name
When my sun goes down
And the dark surrounds
I will not cry out
For another
Lord, it's Your renown
Your eternal fame
That I live for now
It's Your name
It's Your name
For Your name
More of You
Less of me ...
2.07.2008
more than words
this post is only titled that because i was trying to think of a title, and that song happened to start playing on my itunes as i sat here. so for what that's worth ;)
but it's apt all the same.
ok, so i look around at my life, and the way i spend my time, and something is off. sometimes i feel like i don't have much control over how my time is spent, but what is happening in actuality is that i just really don't pay much attention to where my time goes. i let it slip away. and i don't like that.
but then i think about how i would like to spend my time, and sometimes i don't know what i would do with free reign. i think i would do a lot of things that i don't do now. in fact, i think i'd like to make a list:
if i could empty my schedule for the next six months, i would:
and i don't want to waste my life.
oh Lord, lead me.
but it's apt all the same.
ok, so i look around at my life, and the way i spend my time, and something is off. sometimes i feel like i don't have much control over how my time is spent, but what is happening in actuality is that i just really don't pay much attention to where my time goes. i let it slip away. and i don't like that.
but then i think about how i would like to spend my time, and sometimes i don't know what i would do with free reign. i think i would do a lot of things that i don't do now. in fact, i think i'd like to make a list:
if i could empty my schedule for the next six months, i would:
- write at least one song a week.
- go for a solitary walk in un-civilized terrain 5 days a week.
- have one day a week of solitary time with Jesus (no other people at all for the whole day).
- spend at least 2 hours in uninterrupted prayer every day.
- have a significant conversation with an old friend once a week.
- go through all my possessions (ALL) and sell/trash 75% of them.
- read at least half the bible.
- finish the tee-shirt quilt i started about 8 years ago ....
- not do my hair.
- not wear makeup (not even mascara).
- learn how to play mandolin.
- climb a mountain. maybe in colorado.
- not make a single commitment or promise to anyone. and not let anyone down.
- make no plans for the future.
- read lots of different things.
- not watch a lick of TV.
and i don't want to waste my life.
oh Lord, lead me.
1.31.2008
fancy this
so it seems to me that i become more of who i am,
when i see/know/find/experience more of Who Jesus is.
not just a security in my identity.
not just a higher level of self-assurance.
not just a greater sense of comfortability in my own skin.
but i actually become a deeper, fuller, truer version of myself.
and i've been feeling a bit lost lately. a but un-like myself.
but i know the remedy.
:D
"for those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son ... and these whome He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified."
romans eight : twenty-nine and thirty
when i see/know/find/experience more of Who Jesus is.
not just a security in my identity.
not just a higher level of self-assurance.
not just a greater sense of comfortability in my own skin.
but i actually become a deeper, fuller, truer version of myself.
and i've been feeling a bit lost lately. a but un-like myself.
but i know the remedy.
:D
"for those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son ... and these whome He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified."
romans eight : twenty-nine and thirty
1.25.2008
hope
"Sunday’s sermon was about Hope. Hope is not the same as optimism, the pastor pointed out. Optimism has its place, but it is at its core the name given to a way of looking at things. The glass is either half full or half empty–our opinion of it doesn’t change the amount of water in the cup. Sure, it changes our disposition, and of course an optimistic one is the better of the two. But Hope goes deeper. Hope gives thanks that there is such a thing as water, and remembers that whether the glass is empty or full, there is a greater story being told. If there is water in the glass, then somewhere beneath the earth, in cathedral caverns where no eye has yet seen, a clear river courses. I may cry out in pain or sorrow (which seems to me anything but optimistic), and yet have hope, though I cling to it feebly."
...
[the whole post]
...
"Finally, Frodo bids his friends goodbye at the Grey Havens. I didn’t pause it this time, but as soon as the film was over I talked with Jamie about the wound that we all carry. Just like Frodo, we have wounds that are too deep to heal this side of that grey rain curtain; the wounds of the Fall, of our daily sin, of our loneliness and selfishness and tendency to believe the lie over the Truth. I ache to board that ship and sail away to those white shores and that far green country.
Hope holds me up. It’s what I cling to, and all I ever want to cling to.
“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” (Romans)
Lord, give us patience."
--andrew peterson--[the whole post]
1.15.2008
the glory of Christ: a reminder
then i turned to see the voice that was speaking to me.
i saw one like a son of man,
clothed in a robe reaching to the feet,
and girded across His chest with a golden sash.
His head and His hair were white
like white wool,
like snow;
and His eyes were like a flame of fire.
His feet were like burnished bronze,
when it has been made to glow in a furnace,
and His voice was like the sound of many waters.
in His right hand He held seven stars,
and out of His mouth came a sharp two-edged sword;
and His face ...
His face was like the sun
shining in its strength.
when i saw Him...
when i saw Him...
when i saw Him
i fell at His feet like a dead man.
and He placed His right hand on me, saying,
"Do not be afraid;
I am the first
and the last,
and the living One;
I was dead, and behold,
I am alive forevermore,
and I have the keys of death and of Hades."
revelation one : twelve - eighteen
i saw one like a son of man,
clothed in a robe reaching to the feet,
and girded across His chest with a golden sash.
His head and His hair were white
like white wool,
like snow;
and His eyes were like a flame of fire.
His feet were like burnished bronze,
when it has been made to glow in a furnace,
and His voice was like the sound of many waters.
in His right hand He held seven stars,
and out of His mouth came a sharp two-edged sword;
and His face ...
His face was like the sun
shining in its strength.
when i saw Him...
when i saw Him...
when i saw Him
i fell at His feet like a dead man.
and He placed His right hand on me, saying,
"Do not be afraid;
I am the first
and the last,
and the living One;
I was dead, and behold,
I am alive forevermore,
and I have the keys of death and of Hades."
revelation one : twelve - eighteen
1.11.2008
i like anna nalick
you're all here for the very same reason
cuz you can't jump the track
we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass
glued to the table
no one can find the rewind button, now
so cradle your head in your hands
and breathe.
just breathe.
cuz you can't jump the track
we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass
glued to the table
no one can find the rewind button, now
so cradle your head in your hands
and breathe.
just breathe.
1.09.2008
the day off
i am really looking forward to today! first of all, it started out in the BEST WAY EVER--i woke up on my own the moment before my alarm went off :D it's so silly, but that just sets my day off right. and now, i don't have to go to work ... i love these days in the middle of the week when i don't have to work. i'm getting my hair cut at aveda, and my friend emily from work is going to do it! then my madre is coming down for the day. we had a really good time together the last time i was home (last weekend) and i'm hoping we get to have some more quality time.
but what really makes this day so wonderful and glorious is that i am covered by the grace of God. He is forever at work in my heart, whether or not i see it. His Word is forever true, and it is forever piercing my soul and putting in me a hunger for more of Him. when i turn to the Word, the world begins to make sense. priorities fall into place. my heart is at peace. i can live abundantly, and i begin to look a little more like Jesus.
and what is more wonderful than that?
so here's to another wonderful day. :)
"like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, if you have tasted of the kindness of the Lord ... for He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. for you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls."
--first peter two: two & three, twenty-four & twenty-five--
but what really makes this day so wonderful and glorious is that i am covered by the grace of God. He is forever at work in my heart, whether or not i see it. His Word is forever true, and it is forever piercing my soul and putting in me a hunger for more of Him. when i turn to the Word, the world begins to make sense. priorities fall into place. my heart is at peace. i can live abundantly, and i begin to look a little more like Jesus.
and what is more wonderful than that?
so here's to another wonderful day. :)
"like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, if you have tasted of the kindness of the Lord ... for He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. for you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls."
--first peter two: two & three, twenty-four & twenty-five--
1.06.2008
one of those songs.
i seem to have this thing that i do, where i pretend like i don't really like a lot of that "christian" music ... you know, the stuff on k-love or star 88.3. i pretend like i have a more discerning musical palate, and that catchy stuff with the corny lyrics just isn't up to par.
but then i hear a song or two ... full of those cheesy musical hooks and all the 'corniness' of any legit ccm ... and it catches the spirit of my heart. and i start to sing along, and i realize that i really mean it.
and suddenly i find that i get really excited every time the song comes on the radio :D
well, no more pretending.
this is one of those songs. and matthew west (the singer) is giving a free concert in fort wayne at noon on friday. anyone up for a trip with me? ;)
:D
but then i hear a song or two ... full of those cheesy musical hooks and all the 'corniness' of any legit ccm ... and it catches the spirit of my heart. and i start to sing along, and i realize that i really mean it.
and suddenly i find that i get really excited every time the song comes on the radio :D
well, no more pretending.
this is one of those songs. and matthew west (the singer) is giving a free concert in fort wayne at noon on friday. anyone up for a trip with me? ;)
I’m the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can’t even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I’m spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime
Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won’t let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
and Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
I’m the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I'd ever care to confess
Oh but, You’re the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess
Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won’t let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You’re everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hanging up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You are
You are
Jesus, You are
You are everything
:D
1.03.2008
the review ... i like it too :D
to put it simply, i'm copying.
two-thousand seven, so lived by rachel lynn bell:
--jan--
heard a calling. got confirmation. worked my last days as a youth coordinator. saw jars and d.webb and don miller with l.haff in holland. got sicker than i've been in years, and spent several days on the couch instead of in class. talked a lot with my parents about life.
--feb--
trusted the Lord. a lot. correction: learned how to trust the Lord. a lot. and researched grad schools. got accepted for the internship with cru.
--mar--
continued to get ridiculously behind in classes. let a lot of people down, and learned how to be OK with that. wrote a lot of papers. spring-breaked in the apartment with e.w. road-tripped to stl to see the bulldogs in the sweet sixteen. started reading john.
--apr--
saw the Lord raise my very first supporter. turned twenty-two with meggie becca. had a memorable (studying-filled) birthday with a birthday cookie message and leftover dough (the BEST). went to training for the cru internship. started reading job.
--may--
went to thursday at d-ton's for the last time as a student. turned in a lot of late work. got a 4.0 for the semester. switched my primary and secondary majors around. graduated. felt a little heart-broken. and grateful. played in some weddings. had a strangely awkward encounter with an old ... friend. moved into a new house.
--jun--
mda-camped it. and avoided support raising. started support raising. late. wrote a song. learned about endurance. went to a wedding. started reading hebrews. and read colossians a few times one morning.
--jul--
went to philly with my cousin's band. saw erica and it was amazing. got really discouraged. took a beating from the Word of God. struggled with life. answered the xanga question of the day.
--aug--
asked for support online as the deadline neared. learned humility. well, actually, was humiliated/humbled. wondered if i really trusted God. had a sneaking suspicion that i didn't. bible ripped again. felt a little slippery, and a lot immature. doubted. leaned on a few people pretty heavily. read jonah.
--sep--
heard some much-needed words from the Lord. wrote a new song. disengaged from a lot of my friendships. started this blog. started watching pushing daisies. wrote another new song. waited on the Lord. followed Him in a new [scary] direction. failed at some things in the eyes of the world. started reading isaiah.
--oct--
learned and remembered sweet things in psalm 16. went to plymouth with russ and jessica to see dave. started working at starbucks. fall retreat-ed. cried for G-dub, both for my sorrow and for his joy. found some awesome music. found my heart breaking for things happening in ministry. watched my life spiral out of control. shared the gospel of grace in a very new way. read jonah again.
--nov--
read the great divorce. had a very short thanksgiving. missed my family. didn't blog. didn't read blogs. went to a wedding. saw my RIC and it was amazing. didn't read much of my bible. and was consequently much worse for the wear. had a lot of yats. got new tires.
--dec--
started reading revelation, among other things here and there. read some steinbeck. failed a life in a lot of ways. let a lot of people down. didn't sleep enough. saw a lot of old friends and it was good. had a two-day christmas break. started to apply for teach for america. worked/attended christmas conference. had the desire to join staff for the first time ever. and maybe .... heard another call. again.
just like full circle.
i'm looking forward in 08 to:
-direction and passion
-more gospel sharing
-more Word of God reading
-finding identity in Christ
-hiding my life in Christ
-glorifying God by being really, really satisfied in Him
-good song writing
-the wedding of my dearest friend
-the return of another dearest friend
-more Jesus than ever before
well that's about all, folks. :) God is good.
two-thousand seven, so lived by rachel lynn bell:
--jan--
heard a calling. got confirmation. worked my last days as a youth coordinator. saw jars and d.webb and don miller with l.haff in holland. got sicker than i've been in years, and spent several days on the couch instead of in class. talked a lot with my parents about life.
--feb--
trusted the Lord. a lot. correction: learned how to trust the Lord. a lot. and researched grad schools. got accepted for the internship with cru.
--mar--
continued to get ridiculously behind in classes. let a lot of people down, and learned how to be OK with that. wrote a lot of papers. spring-breaked in the apartment with e.w. road-tripped to stl to see the bulldogs in the sweet sixteen. started reading john.
--apr--
saw the Lord raise my very first supporter. turned twenty-two with meggie becca. had a memorable (studying-filled) birthday with a birthday cookie message and leftover dough (the BEST). went to training for the cru internship. started reading job.
--may--
went to thursday at d-ton's for the last time as a student. turned in a lot of late work. got a 4.0 for the semester. switched my primary and secondary majors around. graduated. felt a little heart-broken. and grateful. played in some weddings. had a strangely awkward encounter with an old ... friend. moved into a new house.
--jun--
mda-camped it. and avoided support raising. started support raising. late. wrote a song. learned about endurance. went to a wedding. started reading hebrews. and read colossians a few times one morning.
--jul--
went to philly with my cousin's band. saw erica and it was amazing. got really discouraged. took a beating from the Word of God. struggled with life. answered the xanga question of the day.
--aug--
asked for support online as the deadline neared. learned humility. well, actually, was humiliated/humbled. wondered if i really trusted God. had a sneaking suspicion that i didn't. bible ripped again. felt a little slippery, and a lot immature. doubted. leaned on a few people pretty heavily. read jonah.
--sep--
heard some much-needed words from the Lord. wrote a new song. disengaged from a lot of my friendships. started this blog. started watching pushing daisies. wrote another new song. waited on the Lord. followed Him in a new [scary] direction. failed at some things in the eyes of the world. started reading isaiah.
--oct--
learned and remembered sweet things in psalm 16. went to plymouth with russ and jessica to see dave. started working at starbucks. fall retreat-ed. cried for G-dub, both for my sorrow and for his joy. found some awesome music. found my heart breaking for things happening in ministry. watched my life spiral out of control. shared the gospel of grace in a very new way. read jonah again.
--nov--
read the great divorce. had a very short thanksgiving. missed my family. didn't blog. didn't read blogs. went to a wedding. saw my RIC and it was amazing. didn't read much of my bible. and was consequently much worse for the wear. had a lot of yats. got new tires.
--dec--
started reading revelation, among other things here and there. read some steinbeck. failed a life in a lot of ways. let a lot of people down. didn't sleep enough. saw a lot of old friends and it was good. had a two-day christmas break. started to apply for teach for america. worked/attended christmas conference. had the desire to join staff for the first time ever. and maybe .... heard another call. again.
just like full circle.
i'm looking forward in 08 to:
-direction and passion
-more gospel sharing
-more Word of God reading
-finding identity in Christ
-hiding my life in Christ
-glorifying God by being really, really satisfied in Him
-good song writing
-the wedding of my dearest friend
-the return of another dearest friend
-more Jesus than ever before
well that's about all, folks. :) God is good.
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