drop-out

i can't exactly pin-point the real reasons why i have a tendency to be a now-and-again blog school drop out. but i have a hunch that it's got something to do with shying away from introspection. i'm also not entirely sure that i have anything worth saying. or that anyone is listening.

maybe i care too much. or not enough. or maybe i care about the wrong things.


also, my belly button itches.

let me give it to you straight

grace.

grace equals total freedom. grace means no merit, not even an iota. grace means total acceptance. grace is unconditional love with no expectations of performance.

even in the face of total failure. even in the face of crippling sin. even in the face of uncertainty. even when i blunder about and mess everything up worse than it ever was before. even when my failures have spilled over into other people's lives. even when my mistakes hinder not just me, but everyone around me.

grace is a gift. freely given. voluntarily given. joyfully given.

grace asks for no explanations.

grace can't hear your reasons why.

grace won't stand for your excuses.



grace is your second chance. grace is your fresh start.

every
single
moment.


and every moment, you are utterly covered by grace. there is no fault too grievous, no crime too heinous, no misstep so crippling, no failure so far gone that grace cannot overcome.


may you know -- truly know -- the grace of Jesus Christ.



"I have done it, and I will carry you;
I will bear you and I will deliver you."
isaiah forty-six

it's not on me. and that is my only hope. the truth of grace is all my hope.

forty years.

would my faith last that long? what would be revealed about the condition of my heart if the promise's delivery were prolonged for forty years? i can hardly last three months ... nevermind forty years.

"...the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart..."

deuteronomy eight:two


for a long time i thought that character was built on the most difficult days. surely it was in the midst of the hottest fire and the greatest pressure that my gold was refined and my diamond was formed.


but did you know that even if great pressure is exerted onto carbon molecules, it doesn't necessarily mean it will form into a diamond? and even if diamond crystals do form, the conditions have to remain perfect and stable for thousands of years in order to produce a diamond. AND when the diamond is formed, it looks nothing like what you think of when you think of a diamond. it actually looks kind of like a translucent shiny rock. sometimes they are lumpy or dirty.

all that is to say that i don't think it's the moments of greatest trial that produce good character. i believe that the moments of greatest trial reveal the character that has already been built in the every day, in the mundane.

because if i can't trust the Lord with my plans for next week, i'm sure as heck not going to trust him with my life in a year, or five years. if i don't want to apply the Word of God to my interactions with my close friends, i certainly won't do it when i encounter the surliest of strangers.

i really hope that i understand the gravity of the every day. it's how i order and live my life every day that prepares me for the catastrophic moments that are sure to come. and when they come, they will rip open my heart and reveal what is truly inside for the whole world to see.

will it be black and bitter? stubborn and hard as a rock? crusty and despairing?

or will it be living and lovely? will it be soft with surrender? will it be full of faith and compassion and hope?


it's not going to rain every day. but i don't throw away my umbrella just because it's sunny today.

slightly off-color, yet frighteningly accurate.

thank you, susan, for pointing me to the official list of stuff white people like.

i am much, much whiter than i ever thought possible.

reason # 32 i don't like walmart

this is hilarious ..... i'm rhett and link's newest and most devoted fan.

do you give a damn?

abraham piper on pilate and the crucifixion of christ:



"Among the vilest responses to Christ’s suffering was Pilate’s.

He didn’t betray, deny, or holler “Crucify!”

He just didn’t give a damn."

(Matthew 27:24)

apathy. it is the foulest of sentiments you could have towards the glorious god of the universe.

and i find myself it its grip far to frequently.

girls, we rock

so i use google reader pretty avidly. and when it's been a couple of hours since i've checked it, i usually have anywhere between 5 and 20 new blog updates to read. they range from close friends of mine to pastors of churches that i've never even been to. it really runs the gamut.

well i just checked my reader after about 6 hours, and there were five updated blogs.

all women :D all with wonderful things to say.


and it was one of the most refreshing experiences i've had in a while.




so ladies, thanks for being awesome women.


that's all!!

i am much smaller than i realize

a few weeks ago, on a sunday morning, i was at church. we began as usual, with a worship set. but this time, i couldn't even fake it. i just stood there and cried. granted, this was mere minutes after i found out that my cousin jason's brain tumor couldn't be fully removed, and that it was a fast-growing and often-returning type of tumor.

but i'll be honest: the attitude that yields a worshipful heart has been very far from me lately. so the moments of worshiping "in spirit and in truth" have been very few, scattered between moments of mostly faking or moments of just plain avoiding it.


this morning i was (quite literally) reduced to real, grounding worship. when i say "grounding," i mean the kind of worship that throws you to the ground in tears.

and i realized a few things.

first of all, i am very small. God is very big. let's see: He breathes stars. His words create breath and life. His imagination brought about galaxies and solar systems and universes, probably much more than we know. and in His wisdom He has made the human body so perfectly, with millions of intricacies. probably much more than we know. and besides the sheer depth of His wisdom and creativity, there's the basic vastness of His physical size. we're talking about a God whose centimeter is a light-year. His physical scale is so far beyond our comprehension that we start using words like "quadrillion" to describe the size of things in His universe. He's very, very big. and i am very, very, very small. in fact ... i am but dust...

second of all, He is very worthy.

this is the crux for me, i think. when i lose sight of God's worthiness, i have no reason to worship Him. today it just so happened that when i considered God's size and depth of wisdom, it taught me something of His worthiness, and that brought me to worship. but the basic issue is worth ... my fundamental problem is that i start to believe that i am worthy of recognition and valuation, and i quickly forget the sheer worthiness of Jesus. in fact, that is the ONLY reason i should worship Him. not because the song is cool or because i got blessed or because the act affords me a sense of being OK or because i want people to see me doing it. no, the only reason i worship (if it is in spirit and in truth) is because He is worthy.

i worship

because Jesus

is

worthy.



in the face of joy and pain. when i see life and death. whether i am righteous or a sinner. when i know it all and when i can't see an inch in front of me. when the road is smooth and well-lit, and when the path is dark and filled with pain. when i have faith ... and when i have none. though the world, my life, and the people around me should change chaotically.

Jesus

is

worthy.


"and THAT makes God look glorious." -- piper




'it's not about me' is an understatement.

so when i consider my stony heart, i know that the remedy is Jesus. not because i am so in need of help, but because He is so very, very worthy.


"for by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." colossians one : sixteen and seventeen

weary

i got the flu. it was AWFUL. awful. fever of 102.7 ... sleeping for 12 hours straight (unheard of for me) ... aches, congestion, headaches, cough, sore throat, nausea, basically the gamut of flu symptoms. it was not fun.

i did get five days off of work, though ... although returning today was a struggle on "only" 7 hours of sleep ;)

but the flu is not the only reason i'm weary. i'm just plain worn-out. this little respite was only a taste of what i feel like i actually need. i'm weary of running around all the time. i'm weary of barely making ends meet. i'm weary of 'owing' so much of myself and my time to other people. quite honestly, i'm weary of my phone ringing. i'm weary of thinking/worrying about jason. i'm weary of driving. i'm weary of my to-do list.

and although the flu stopped me in my tracks for a couple of days, it couldn't keep it all from coming flooding back in at the first sign of health.



so what's the solution? i've already cut out a lot of things ... and yes, that has helped. but quite frankly, until i learn to need Jesus for every moment, until i learn to live in surrender and dwell under grace all the time, until i see supernatural work of peace over my heart ... i'm going to continue to be weary.

i guess we'll see how long i last ....

i'm betting it won't be too much longer ;)



so i'm getting ready to fall on grace.

oh death, where is your sting?

the edges are pressing in around me. i think this is what empty feels like. joy is a distant memory. and i am tired. i have nothing to give. i'm failing at most everything. i wish i were different. and more than anything else, i just want to believe that my Abba loves me.

today i talked with my mom. she's a nurse, and she doesn't know everything in the world of medicine, but she knows a good bit .... and her assessment of jason's situation was less than hopeful. when she was talking to one of her sisters and she said that there was no good in this. her sister didn't completely agree, but my mom insisted, "how could there be anything good in a 24 year old with an aggressive brain tumor?"

i'm right there with her, on the brink of despairing. it would take just a breeze to brush me off the cliff into the oblivion of hopelessness.



never before have i struggled so to believe the truth, "O Death, where is your victory? O Death, where is your sting?" though it may not have the victory forever, it seems to overwhelm me now. and what i feel when i stare this human frailty in the face is much sharper than a sting.

oh Lord, what can we do? all flesh is fleeting. we are but grass. from dust we came. we are incapable. we are broken. we are feeble. we are small and foolish and so very deceived. yet You have made us a little lower than the angels, given us dominion over the earth ... perhaps to show us how little dominion we actually have.



like gandalf to the hobbits, "yet hope remains, while the company is true." there is only one true companion. only one faithful. only one who loves freely. only one gracious. only one compassionate. only one who creates and sustains all life. only one who speaks things into life or death. only one who knows the end. only one who leads us with gentleness to the streams of living water. only one who can make sense of the chaos of this life.

he never fails.

never.


He is my hope through the tears. He is my hope for restoration. He is my hope for rescue. He is my hope for victory.

oh Jesus ... i put all my hope in You.



and all the rest of my life fades to gray.