do you give a damn?

abraham piper on pilate and the crucifixion of christ:

"Among the vilest responses to Christ’s suffering was Pilate’s.

He didn’t betray, deny, or holler “Crucify!”

He just didn’t give a damn."

(Matthew 27:24)

apathy. it is the foulest of sentiments you could have towards the glorious god of the universe.

and i find myself it its grip far to frequently.


girls, we rock

so i use google reader pretty avidly. and when it's been a couple of hours since i've checked it, i usually have anywhere between 5 and 20 new blog updates to read. they range from close friends of mine to pastors of churches that i've never even been to. it really runs the gamut.

well i just checked my reader after about 6 hours, and there were five updated blogs.

all women :D all with wonderful things to say.

and it was one of the most refreshing experiences i've had in a while.

so ladies, thanks for being awesome women.

that's all!!


i am much smaller than i realize

a few weeks ago, on a sunday morning, i was at church. we began as usual, with a worship set. but this time, i couldn't even fake it. i just stood there and cried. granted, this was mere minutes after i found out that my cousin jason's brain tumor couldn't be fully removed, and that it was a fast-growing and often-returning type of tumor.

but i'll be honest: the attitude that yields a worshipful heart has been very far from me lately. so the moments of worshiping "in spirit and in truth" have been very few, scattered between moments of mostly faking or moments of just plain avoiding it.

this morning i was (quite literally) reduced to real, grounding worship. when i say "grounding," i mean the kind of worship that throws you to the ground in tears.

and i realized a few things.

first of all, i am very small. God is very big. let's see: He breathes stars. His words create breath and life. His imagination brought about galaxies and solar systems and universes, probably much more than we know. and in His wisdom He has made the human body so perfectly, with millions of intricacies. probably much more than we know. and besides the sheer depth of His wisdom and creativity, there's the basic vastness of His physical size. we're talking about a God whose centimeter is a light-year. His physical scale is so far beyond our comprehension that we start using words like "quadrillion" to describe the size of things in His universe. He's very, very big. and i am very, very, very small. in fact ... i am but dust...

second of all, He is very worthy.

this is the crux for me, i think. when i lose sight of God's worthiness, i have no reason to worship Him. today it just so happened that when i considered God's size and depth of wisdom, it taught me something of His worthiness, and that brought me to worship. but the basic issue is worth ... my fundamental problem is that i start to believe that i am worthy of recognition and valuation, and i quickly forget the sheer worthiness of Jesus. in fact, that is the ONLY reason i should worship Him. not because the song is cool or because i got blessed or because the act affords me a sense of being OK or because i want people to see me doing it. no, the only reason i worship (if it is in spirit and in truth) is because He is worthy.

i worship

because Jesus



in the face of joy and pain. when i see life and death. whether i am righteous or a sinner. when i know it all and when i can't see an inch in front of me. when the road is smooth and well-lit, and when the path is dark and filled with pain. when i have faith ... and when i have none. though the world, my life, and the people around me should change chaotically.




"and THAT makes God look glorious." -- piper

'it's not about me' is an understatement.

so when i consider my stony heart, i know that the remedy is Jesus. not because i am so in need of help, but because He is so very, very worthy.

"for by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." colossians one : sixteen and seventeen



i got the flu. it was AWFUL. awful. fever of 102.7 ... sleeping for 12 hours straight (unheard of for me) ... aches, congestion, headaches, cough, sore throat, nausea, basically the gamut of flu symptoms. it was not fun.

i did get five days off of work, though ... although returning today was a struggle on "only" 7 hours of sleep ;)

but the flu is not the only reason i'm weary. i'm just plain worn-out. this little respite was only a taste of what i feel like i actually need. i'm weary of running around all the time. i'm weary of barely making ends meet. i'm weary of 'owing' so much of myself and my time to other people. quite honestly, i'm weary of my phone ringing. i'm weary of thinking/worrying about jason. i'm weary of driving. i'm weary of my to-do list.

and although the flu stopped me in my tracks for a couple of days, it couldn't keep it all from coming flooding back in at the first sign of health.

so what's the solution? i've already cut out a lot of things ... and yes, that has helped. but quite frankly, until i learn to need Jesus for every moment, until i learn to live in surrender and dwell under grace all the time, until i see supernatural work of peace over my heart ... i'm going to continue to be weary.

i guess we'll see how long i last ....

i'm betting it won't be too much longer ;)

so i'm getting ready to fall on grace.


oh death, where is your sting?

the edges are pressing in around me. i think this is what empty feels like. joy is a distant memory. and i am tired. i have nothing to give. i'm failing at most everything. i wish i were different. and more than anything else, i just want to believe that my Abba loves me.

today i talked with my mom. she's a nurse, and she doesn't know everything in the world of medicine, but she knows a good bit .... and her assessment of jason's situation was less than hopeful. when she was talking to one of her sisters and she said that there was no good in this. her sister didn't completely agree, but my mom insisted, "how could there be anything good in a 24 year old with an aggressive brain tumor?"

i'm right there with her, on the brink of despairing. it would take just a breeze to brush me off the cliff into the oblivion of hopelessness.

never before have i struggled so to believe the truth, "O Death, where is your victory? O Death, where is your sting?" though it may not have the victory forever, it seems to overwhelm me now. and what i feel when i stare this human frailty in the face is much sharper than a sting.

oh Lord, what can we do? all flesh is fleeting. we are but grass. from dust we came. we are incapable. we are broken. we are feeble. we are small and foolish and so very deceived. yet You have made us a little lower than the angels, given us dominion over the earth ... perhaps to show us how little dominion we actually have.

like gandalf to the hobbits, "yet hope remains, while the company is true." there is only one true companion. only one faithful. only one who loves freely. only one gracious. only one compassionate. only one who creates and sustains all life. only one who speaks things into life or death. only one who knows the end. only one who leads us with gentleness to the streams of living water. only one who can make sense of the chaos of this life.

he never fails.


He is my hope through the tears. He is my hope for restoration. He is my hope for rescue. He is my hope for victory.

oh Jesus ... i put all my hope in You.

and all the rest of my life fades to gray.


who told us we'd be rescued from nightmares?

Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.


john fourteen


though the mountains may crumble into the sea

yesterday was march first.

yesterday i hung out with my mom. i had a soy misto and a blueberry scone. we spent an hour at a cool yarn shop. i bought a laptop (finally on sale). we found a cool hat on sale. we ate lunch at chik-fil-a. we took care of the animals at the house i was house sitting at this weekend.

we got a phone call.

my cousin has a brain tumor.
my twenty-four-year-old cousin jason has a cancerous brain tumor.

and the rest of my life fades to gray.

today is march second.

today i woke up.
i showered.
i fed the animals.
i got in my car and drove to church.
i called my mom.

he had surgery last night. they removed 80% of the tumor. but it's definitely cancer, and it's the kind that likes to come back.

i couldn't sing at church today.

listen to Me, o house of jacob, and all the remnant of the house of israel,
you who have been borne by Me from birth and have been carried from the womb;

even to your old age, I will be the same,
and even to your graying years, I will bear you.

I have done it, and I will carry you;
I will bear you and I will deliver you.

for I am God, and there is no one like Me,
declaring the end from the beginning,
and from ancient times the things which have not yet been done,
saying, 'My purpose will be established,
and I will accomplish all My good pleasure.'

listen to Me, you stubborn-minded, who are far from righteousness.

I bring near My righteousness,
it is not far off;
and My salvation will not delay.
and I will grant salvation in Zion,
and My glory for Israel.

isaiah forty-six

please pray for jason.