a few weeks ago, on a sunday morning, i was at church. we began as usual, with a worship set. but this time, i couldn't even fake it. i just stood there and cried. granted, this was mere minutes after i found out that my cousin jason's brain tumor couldn't be fully removed, and that it was a fast-growing and often-returning type of tumor.
but i'll be honest: the attitude that yields a worshipful heart has been very far from me lately. so the moments of worshiping "in spirit and in truth" have been very few, scattered between moments of mostly faking or moments of just plain avoiding it.
this morning i was (quite literally) reduced to real, grounding worship. when i say "grounding," i mean the kind of worship that throws you to the ground in tears.
and i realized a few things.
first of all, i am very small. God is very big. let's see: He breathes stars. His words create breath and life. His imagination brought about galaxies and solar systems and universes, probably much more than we know. and in His wisdom He has made the human body so perfectly, with millions of intricacies. probably much more than we know. and besides the sheer depth of His wisdom and creativity, there's the basic vastness of His physical size. we're talking about a God whose centimeter is a light-year. His physical scale is so far beyond our comprehension that we start using words like "quadrillion" to describe the size of things in His universe. He's very, very big. and i am very, very, very small. in fact ... i am but dust...
second of all, He is very worthy.
this is the crux for me, i think. when i lose sight of God's worthiness, i have no reason to worship Him. today it just so happened that when i considered God's size and depth of wisdom, it taught me something of His worthiness, and that brought me to worship. but the basic issue is worth ... my fundamental problem is that i start to believe that i am worthy of recognition and valuation, and i quickly forget the sheer worthiness of Jesus. in fact, that is the ONLY reason i should worship Him. not because the song is cool or because i got blessed or because the act affords me a sense of being OK or because i want people to see me doing it. no, the only reason i worship (if it is in spirit and in truth) is because He is worthy.
in the face of joy and pain. when i see life and death. whether i am righteous or a sinner. when i know it all and when i can't see an inch in front of me. when the road is smooth and well-lit, and when the path is dark and filled with pain. when i have faith ... and when i have none. though the world, my life, and the people around me should change chaotically.
"and THAT makes God look glorious." -- piper
'it's not about me' is an understatement.
so when i consider my stony heart, i know that the remedy is Jesus. not because i am so in need of help, but because He is so very, very worthy.
"for by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." colossians one : sixteen and seventeen