i couldn't sleep tonight. my alarm is going off in five minutes, but i've been awake for the last hour and a half (yes, it's 4 am).
my thoughts, while i lay awake in the darkness, ran the gamut. confession and prayer, analyzing yesterday's conversations and planning potential ones for today, figuring out my schedule this week and two months from now, all my bills and budget, all the junk i have in my apartment that i want to get rid of, several changes i want to see happen in my life .... all these things were keeping me awake.
(my alarm just went off and it totally make me jump! wow.)
apparently i'm having some trouble with where the rubber meets the road in the whole "don't worry about tomorrow" thing. i can't STOP worrying about tomorrow. and today. and next year. even when i theoretically entrust it to God, i don't stop thinking about it.
and what i really think it comes down to, for me, is priorities.
i came unglued last night (sorry to all five people who called me during my unglued-ness .... i'm sure it wasn't pretty). and i think that 90% of the reason why i came unglued is because i don't KNOW God enough to know that i can trust Him. ok, this is what i mean: i know that, at some point in my life, i have known His character enough that i trusted Him at that time. but currently, in this state of affairs, i don't know Him intimately and i certainly don't trust Him. yet in my most miserable moments i want nothing more than to bring all my cares to Him ... just as i have always done. but how can i do that if i don't trust Him because i don't know Him?
my priorities are revealing the idolatry of my heart. i have not made it a priority to bind myself so closely to Jesus, to walk with Him devotedly, to love Him purely, to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth.
and so, of course, everything else is falling apart.
and the whole reason these thoughts are pouring out of me right now is because, while i couldn't sleep (so i was french braiding my hair), i saw a picture of my youthworks staff team from three years ago. that was a time of rich intimacy, a time of clearly hearing the Lord's voice, a time of deep prayer and true worship and total dependence and pure trust.
and i can barely believe it ever happened. i don't recognize myself anymore. probably because i look a lot more like rachel and a lot less like Jesus. and let me say: it hasn't been the most flattering look for me.
oh Lord ... could You change me from who i've been lately? i know i'm nothing without You.
i need my Savior.