wake me up when september ends?

september FLEW by ... does anyone else feel like that's true?

i'm excited, though, because i am fantastically head-over-heels in love with the fall. and with the turn of the calendar, the weather has magically rounded the bend into fall, and seemingly over night, too.

transition. people have told me that we have 'transitional phases' in life. what happens when you feel like the previous two years have been one big long unending transitional phase? what if you feel like you don't want to be done transitioning, because you know this isn't your landing place? how can i be a temporarily permanent nomadic resident? see what i mean? gosh, it's hard. and i hate moving.

i have been brought to some incredibly interesting places recently. relationships are changing ... new ones forming, old new ones becoming deeper, formerly intimate ones becoming more distant with time-space and life-space and different habitations. it's bittersweet. make new friends, but keep the old ... one is silver and the other gold. it's hard to abide by the nursery rhyme in real life, though.

like i said yesterday, i'm getting used to louisville ... but i don't love it. yet. i suppose i could, eventually. and i'm definitely trying to keep an open mind about it, because if i expect it to suck, it definitely will. but i think what is hardest is learning how to find my residential identity as a louisvillian without being in college. butler did a great job of acclimating me to indy ... in spite of its bubble-i-ness. but i'm on my own here ... and i'm not surrounded by tons of other people my age who are also new and wanting to explore. and i do so much love to explore with other adventuring companions ... but alone, not so much. so venturing out to discover all the treasures that louisville has to offer has only been happening at a minimum.

here's a thought that has been on my mind since i got a pretend, free, e-harmony account. (yes, i know. i know. i'm not paying for it, so i can't even communicate with anyone .... for now, it's just an .... appetite supressant?) anyway. here's the thought: i am not the christian i used to be. i used to be mostly right-out-of-the-box, but a thinker at the same time. i thought very carefully about which box i came out of, and whether or not my box was missing some ingredients, or even had superfluous ingredients that i wouldn't need to put to use. but nonetheless, i was a cookie-cutter-christian.

now i'm much more loosey-goosey. not that anything goes (geez, how many cliches can i throw into one paragraph??), but i think that i'm realizing that sanctification goes completely outside of the box. i'm a freakin mess, dudes. i'm a walking disaster. and up until this point in my life, i don't think i've ever fully embraced that. what does it mean to know that my effed-up-ness ... and believe me, it's effed up ... is not beyond the saving and sanctifying hand of God? Lord, there IS none like You.

and e-harmony is reminding me of that, because the people i've been matched with would either think that i'm a really sucky christian if they actually met me, or they would think that i'm a crazy calvinist or something. i can't seem to find anyone, anywhere, who transparently embraces their own brokenness while straining for sanctification on a day-to-day basis in every relationship, conversation, thought, job, and moment. well, except for people who aren't christians ... they seem to know they need it more than those of us in the holy huddle do.

it's all a-jumble in my mind. i'm trying to sort it all out. i hope i get there soon.

but it's totally ok if i don't. i can still breathe.

1 comment:

  1. i think any christian dude who meets you (if they know what one is) will call you a crazy calvinist after about 36 seconds of talking about Jesus, because you'll probably throw out 15-20 points during that amount of time.

    but seriously. i'm trying to explore my own friggin hometown and having the same problem.

    thankfully, there are people here who are as cracked out and messed up as me...so we hang out.