merit vs. depravity

i believe it is true that when the nature of christ is formed in me by the power of the holy spirit, i will begin to love other people NOT based on their own merit (or lovablity), but based on the loving nature of God.

yes, i want to be able to love people that way.

but i don't want to BE loved that way. not even by God.

i want someone to love me because of how cool i am, or because they think i'm beautiful, or because i have really good taste in music, or because i rock out on the guitar, or because i am eloqent and thoughtful, or because i am wise, or because i do incredible things for others, or because i'm so original, or because i'm so giving.

(not all of the above statements are necessarily true ... i'm not always eloquent, anyway. the others are all true *wink*)

anyway. i don't want to be some pathetic object of pity love. i don't want only the people who are filled with the compassionate nature of christ to love me only because they are compelled to by the love to christ. i want to be awesome! i want to be cool! i want to be beautiful, and i want to be loved because of it!

i'm still trying to figure out if this is a bad thing, or if it's ok on some level. (hint hint, i'd love your input). but i'm thinking that it's mostly because i am self-centered, prideful, and insecure. in short, depraved. and when i think about how i was created to need jesus like crazy, like not be able to be anything good apart from Him, i think that the extremes that my pride, selfishness, and insecurities take me to are not good places.

and who knows ... maybe when i really start to surrender all my failings (and flailings-about), i'll become beautiful, and awesome, and cool, and wise, and eloquent, and thoughtful, and giving, and talented, and original, and totally, utterly, completely lovable.

and maybe, when i get to that place, i'll also become a better lover of others.

maybe that's how it's supposed to work. the fruit of christ in the midst of my depravity isn't merit, but it is a good work. and as soon as it becomes merit again, i've lost all my depravity, and hence, the work of god in my life.

so bring it on. i don't need no stinkin' merit.
(for the next minute and a half, anyway. after that, we'll see.)

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