clumsy

i am really clumsy. 

today, for example, as i was reaching for my phone, i knocked over my mug of coffee. it went e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e..... i sat back, inwardly groaning at the instantaneous mess, and sighed. if you had been sitting at my kitchen table with me at that moment, i would've turned to you, shut my eyes, furrowed my brow, and said, "i'm gonna need a minute."


i do this kind of thing quite frequently. if i'm focused on something else (in this case, reading an article on my laptop), i don't give my full attention to the fact that there's a full coffee mug between my phone and my hand. if i'm running late, i make such haste that i don't take the time to situate something (or myself) properly and it all falls apart. 
 
the one that always gets me is when i'm carrying stuff in from the car. one trip, daggunnit. imma do this all at once if it kills me.

then i arrive at my front porch, bags ripping and falling out of my hands, purse dragging on the ground, keys nowhere to be found. one time i dropped the lid to a metal stockpot at the top of my (also metal) stairs. at 11 pm, the entire complex was rattled by the "clang-clang-clickety-clang-clang-claa-a-a-a-a-a-annnng." smooth.


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i was reading an article about the slow process of spiritual discipline when i spilled my coffee today. and once i had stripped the table, started the washing machine, and wiped down every coffee-splattered surface, i started thinking about my pervasive clumsiness. in the very moment that i'm thinking about patience and endurance in discipline, about being diligent and full of care in sanctification, the simple act of answering the phone betrays just how little patience and care i practice regularly. if i don't have the patience to make two trips to the car, how much less patient am i with the slow and grueling process of spiritual growth?


there isn't one single way that i have been changed by the Spirit of Christ that isn't profound. He has reached into the far recesses of my soul and slowly pulled out glob after glob of sin-polluted gunk. His word has washed the dust and dirt from the crevices of my mind where i had trusted in earthly, passing things. with each bit of de-gunkifying i have become a different person; i am profoundly different because of the work of Christ in me. every moment, every thought, every action, every word, every choice, every purchase, every phone call, every day off is something very much other than what it would have been if my own will ruled over me. we're talking comprehensive overhaul. 

but every bit of it required careful, intentional, diligent, patient striving after God. it took assiduous introspection. sedulous study of scripture. implacable meditation on the gospel.


which means that, obviously, it was all by the grace of God. 



because i am clumsy. impatient. careless. lazy. foolish. and if i needed a reminder, behold: it's a puddle of coffee all over the floor.