well, the secret o' life

...is enjoying the passage of time.

thank you, james. but for me, the secret is something of a practice in sustainablity. and quite honestly, i kind of suck at it. i seem to be constantly caught in the cycle of starting strong, then taking on a little too much, then starting to lose steam, then getting overwhelmed, then freaking out or melting down, then quitting entirely, then picking up the pieces to start fresh and strong. this whole cycle can happen in five minutes or five years ... or both. over-committment is a chronic problem for me, and even though i know i need to stop, i somehow always get suckered into it unwittingly.

in some ways, it's as if i'm waiting for something huge to happen so that i'll be forced to stop this craziness. but the problem with that is that i am somehow already 24 years old, and i'm not even sure how that happened. if i wait too much longer, i'll blink, and my life will have gone with nary a change for the better.

so what's the deal? what's the fix? what's the catalyst? how do i get to the other side, where life runs at a sustainable pace and i'm not pouring the sanity out of my head faster than the coffee flows at starbucks?

i could change jobs. i could change finances. i could regulate my housekeeping. i could keep a stricter calendar and limit the infringments. i could make rules about sleeping and eating and working and socializing. i could curb bad habits and perforce form good ones.

but i've tried all that. and it doesn't sustain.

see, i already know the solution to my problem, i just [still] suck at living it out: the only life that is sustainable is the life that is sustained by its Creator.

moment by moment, day by day, week by month by year by life by eternity. because that's the truth of it, isn't it? if every decision were made in light of eternity, every moment lived in light of eternity, i wouldn't have any of this sustainable-pace-of-life problem. if i weren't filled with the pride of self-sustenance, i would be humble enough to receive the life-giving provision of God.

well, it's a good thing that nothing is beyond redemption. apparently i'm still very much in need ....

o Lord, that you would renew my mind, and captivate my heart, and cleanse me within, and be all my vision and all my hope and all my strength, and teach me Your ways, and lavish me with love, and put my faith to works, and grant me a greater measure of faith, and open Your hand to satisfy and sustain, and save me by grace, and sanctify me by grace, and abide in me as i in You, and reveal all the hidden secrets of You, and grant me a measure of wisdom, and sustain me, Lord. sustain me with Your great love.

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