the time is short.

Have you ever lived under unbearable circumstances and nearly lost all hope for change? Have you ever longed for something so badly that you couldn't hardly think about anything else? Have you ever found yourself thinking that, despite all your efforts, "this relationship will never, never, never be repaired?" Have you ever sat in your car, rallying every ounce of fortitude and courage you could muster, just so you could open the door and face whatever the next few hours would bring? Have you ever despaired that you could possibly survive the next years, months, weeks, days… minutes?

Yes. I have too.

Through trial and error, and through erring in trials, I have learned this lesson a hundred times over: the pain is only as bad as my perspective is wrong.


Perspective.

Perspective creates space for the truth to be seen.
Perspective teaches proportion.
Perspective gives us a hint of the greater reality: how very little we really know.
Perspective gives us hope that things can be different.
Perspective helps us to bear the unbearable, to love the unloveable, to forgive the unpardonable.


When we lack perspective, our troubles loom large in our field of vision, and we can see and think on nothing else. Our troubles then become our primary basis for our emotions, our decisions, our reactions, even our identities.

Perspective comes when, standing next to our troubles, we have a true vision of God: the Sovereign Creator, the Ever-Gracious Father, the Sacrificial Lamb, the only true Healer, Comforter, and Teacher. Compared to what God is doing eternally, is there any burden we cannot bear for a short while? Compared to the eternal wisdom and might of God, is there any circumstance that could befall us that He cannot redeem? Compared to His long-suffering suffering, is there any pain or longing we endure that outdoes His patience and endurance?

In the hands of our sovereign God, nothing is wasted. The time is short, beloved. He will not delay His mercies. Only remember, your vision is broken, occluded by your woes; for Him a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day. In a single moment, He may swiftly bring to you a thousand years' worth of blessings and comforts and joys and wisdom. Over a thousand years, He may steadfastly bring to you one monumental day's worth of blessings and comforts and joys and wisdom. Either way, He would not be wrong. Either way, He would be good.





I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. ...I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away.

Ecclesiastes 3

This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away. 
1 Corinthians 7

how long, how long, how long?

i distinctly remember reading psalm 13 in high school. i remember it so distinctly because it totally confused me.

how long, O Lord? will You forget me forever?
how long will You hide your face from me? 


how long shall i take counsel in my soul,
having sorrow in my heart all the day? 
how long will my enemy be exalted over me? 


consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
enlighten my eyes, or i will sleep the sleep of death,
and my enemy will say, 'i have overcome him,'
and my adversaries will rejoice when i am shaken. 


when i was younger, no only did it seem totally uncouth and arrogant to ask such questions of God, as if this were a cross-examination to uncover His of malevolent intentions, but on a fundamental level, the inquiries seemed irrelevant for someone whose hope is in the Lord.

i mean, really!? "how long will you forget me?" come on. hey psalmist, don't you know that even if a mother could forget her own child, even then the Lord could not forget his own? our names are written on the palm of His hand? He has seen every day of our lives and can number the hairs on our head? PSH! like HE could ever forget us? why would you ask such a silly question?

and, come on, dude. get your face out of the mud! sorrow in your heart all day long? and seriously, you're ready to die because you're convinced the Lord doesn't see you? can somebody please say it--you're delusional.

or maybe you're just incredibly impatient. don't you know the Lord commands the stars to rise and the sun to set, and He is master over time and space because He created it? i mean, can't you give Him a LITTLE credit that He knows what He is doing inside of time? wait on His timing, it's obviously right. quit your little pity-party and buck up. geez.


that was the mindset of my 16-year-old self. maybe it was because i only asked such questions when i was being selfish and whiney. maybe it was because i was afraid of asking the Lord to faithfully display His own nature to me more fully. maybe it was because i had already been waiting on the Lord for three whole years (since i became a believer), and, you know, waiting wasn't turning out to be all that hard.



until it was. ten years later.




and the dull ache of loneliness starts to settle into my bones.
and the long hours, days, weeks... years of silence from the Lord starts to deafen my ears to the truth.
and the painful struggle against the temptation of habitual sin starts to seem unconquerable.
and the growing emptiness of unrealized hopes and dreams starts to numb me of all desire.
and the futility of every effort taken to repair broken relationships starts to build up walls of bitterness.
the the endless string of morning upon morning, evening upon evening, where all i can say is, "Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner in constant need of grace."

it's wearying.


and now i understand the psalmist, who undoubtedly waited so much longer than 10 years for the Lord to return, repair, restore, resurrect. i understand the plea: how long, o Lord? how long? how long? i'm not looking for an estimated wait time or a countdown calendar. i'm asking for your PRESENCE. be here, with me, now, and fix this. only You can. show up. do it. i'm DONE. i'm so stinkin' done with all this crap.  get here, now. where are you? i know, i know, you're "everywhere." but i mean, where are your purposes and where is your truth and goodness in the middle of all this waiting? i don't get it, Lord, and i'm starting to lose sight of the horizon.



but i have trusted in Your lovingkindness.
my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. 
i will sing to the Lord, 
because He has dealt bountifully with me. 




there it is. the rooting of our souls. the foundation of our faith. the watch by which we measure all waiting. His nature. His love. His plan for salvation. He has proven Himself in the past; if only we would be reminded more frequently.


and i am not asking to accuse or to whine or to convince Him to change the plan. no, i ask because i need Him to know that i need Him today. i ask because i am so very weary and He is so very good. the only good; the best good. i ask because i need to know that this is not the final chapter, that one day He will be the dawn and the darkness will forever die. i ask because i have not forsaken the hope that He provides. i ask so that i can keep looking forward. i ask so that i can live. i ask because if i don't ask, i may die.


how long? how long? how long until this burden is lifted?
how long? how long is this the song that we sing?
how long until the reckoning?
--andrew peterson--

vapor

yesterday, i was reminded by events in the lives around me that life is a vapor. i had forgotten, momentarily; i had been seduced by the joys and pains of these moments and had become unmindful of the joys and pains of eternity.


this morning i woke up, i made a cup of coffee, and i wrote this poem. perhaps it will become a song someday, though i am not often brimming with creative melodies. not that my lyrics are much above mediocre, either ... my aspirations exceed my abilities, i know this full well. nevertheless, i digress.



Father Time played his trick on me again.
Seemed I'd found a happy dwelling and I started digging in.
But the Earth, it quaked and rumbled, dancing 'round its daily spin--
Father Time, he stole my days from me again,
Father Time, he plays a game I'll never win.

Mother Goose told me tales to make me yearn.
I was happy 'nough before, but still she knew I had to learn
That the happy-ever-after wouldn't make it to my turn.
Mother Goose told fairy tales to make me yearn,
Mother Goose gave me alonely, not the cure.

Brotherhood dulled the sting of passing through.
My companion did the good and bad as only he could do.
Now I miss those golden moments, but it helps that he does too.
Brotherhood dulled the sting because he knew,
Brotherhood, my fellow man, he struggles too.

Sister Friend left her mark upon my soul,
Held my hand as cru-el enemies brought nights as black as coal.
Sister proved her steadfast love, she stayed as long as River rolled,
But Sister Friend, bless her soul, she didn't know
That Sister Friend, still even she would have to go.

Life is but a string of days and nights in line.
At setting sun we still believe we'll see it rising one more time,
For tomorrow isn't promised, yet I drink as if it's mine.
Then I'm gone, just like a bell that's sung its chime.
The silent shell without a song stands as a sign.

Father God has set eternity in man,
Yet He has made us out of dust, and so we cling to dropping sand.
Holy Spirit sings a song of hope: we can be born again,
For Brother Christ defeated death with willing hands.
Our Brother Christ delivered us to promised land.
Brother Christ, He gives us life that never ends.

i do not nullify the grace of God.

when it comes down to the question of the might of the Lord, i will always choose the way that makes Him mightier.

even if it means that the reach of my own arm or the potency of my own freewill is diminished. even if it means that there will be parts of God's character that i just don't understand. even if means that the fall (and subsequent redemption) were not plan B, but God's original intent.

i will not follow a God who's power is no greater than mine. i will not follow a God who has been made in my image, made to my liking.

even if means being called out on my own faults. even if it means feeling awkward and embarrassed by conviction. even if it means coming face-t0-face with my utter inability.


because as soon as my God is small,
then my self-righteousness becomes BIG.

and what's the point of Jesus' death if i'm sufficient within myself? why did God offer His Son in my stead if i didn't really need it? if i am inherently good, and only my circumstances and society have corrupted me, then it's not really my fault, is it?


I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God; for if justification were through the law, then Christ died to no purpose.

we MUST continually elevate our view of God. this is of dire importance in the church. today, as i pleaded with my fellow believers to increase their view of God, i realized just how pathetically we cling to our control--which is little more than a temporary illusion, anyway. God desires us to have a WHOLE REVELATION of HIMSELF. that is our GREATEST good. and in order to have a whole revelation, we must know that He loves us when we are good and obedient, AND He loves us when we are not. God shows His love for us, in that while we were STILL SINNERS, still sinning, Christ died for us.

do not forsake the judgment of the old testament, because the message of salvation in the new testament means nothing without it. brothers, sisters, do not hide your pervasive sin. do not deny your ruining fall. do not ignore your profound corruption. for without it, you will miss the full revelation of God's nature and His work in your life.

this is the message that we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. if we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. if we say we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. if we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. if we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.




*galatians 2, romans 5, 1 john 1

a generous theodicy

the⋅od⋅i⋅cy: a vindication of the divine attributes, particularly holiness or justice, in establishing or allowing the existence of physical and moral evil.

this morning, i nodded along vigorously as i read prodigal jon's post on theodicy. hardly a week ago, i was discussing the story of Job with some friends, and honestly, he just might have copied-and-pasted those words from my mouth.

God is the same. our circumstances don't change His nature. do we view God through our comfort level, or do we view our life situations through God's nature? and the GOOD that He promises to give us will not always feel good. His good is greater and more good for us and for Him and His glory than any kind of good we could dream up for ourselves. when life starts to suck, we need a perspective change, not a new God.

yeah, yes, right on, i could go on with this stuff all day long!!



and then i opened up to jeremiah.

you have been a harlot
therefore the rain has been withheld
there has been no spring rain
now you call to Me
'my Father, You are my Friend!
'will You be angry forever?'
you have spoken
and have done evil things,
and you have had your way.

repent and mourn
circumcise your hearts
or else My wrath will go forth like fire
and burn with none to quench it
because of the evil of your deeds.

besiegers will come from a far country
and lift their voices against the cities of Judah.
like watchmen of a field they are against her round about,
because she has rebelled against Me, declares the Lord.
your ways and your deeds
have brought these things to you.
this is your evil. how bitter!
how it has touched your heart!

My people are foolish,
they know Me not;
they are stupid children
and have no understanding.
they are shrewd to do evil,
but to do good they do not know.



we could take it right back to the farming analogy: we reap what we have sown.



sometimes, crappy things happen in and around our lives because of other people's sin. sometimes, it's just because this world is fallen and our enemy is still roaming about with power to do heinous things just for his sick pleasure. sometimes, difficult circumstances might actually be the design of the Divine, providentially provided to bring us the greatest good -- nearness to Him. but there are times -- not always, but there are -- when our crappy life circumstances are the direct result and consequence of our own sin and depravity.

which calls for brokenness and repentance ...

if you will return, O Israel, declares the Lord,
then you should return to Me.
and if you will put away your detested things from My presence,
and will not waver,
and you will swear, 'As the Lord lives,'
in truth, in justice and in righteousness;
then the nations will bless themselves in Him,
and in Him they will glory.

break up your fallow ground
do not sow among thorns.
circumcise yourselves to the Lord
and remove the foreskins of your heart,
men of Judah, people of Jerusalem.

a lion has gone up,
a destroyer of nations has set out;
he has gone from his place
to make your land a waste.
your cities will be ruined
without inhabitant.
for this, put on sackcloth,
lament and wail;
for the fierce anger of the Lord
has not turned back from us.

wash your heart form evil, O Jerusalem,
that you may be saved.

that
you
may
be
saved.



or, like Jesus said ...

bear fruit in keeping with repentance.


christians do a lot of crazy things in the face of difficulties. we cry out, 'woe is me! God has forsaken me!' we bolster our faith with pithy verses, 'God will not give me more than i can handle.' we run away. we give up. we press on out of sheer determination and force of will, with or without faith. we ignore our nagging doubts that trials have given cause to rise, or we indulge them to the point of apostasy. we allow jealousy to take root, coveting the 'easier' lives of others. we cling to the hope of the Kingdom of Heaven, where there will be no more tears.

but how often do we repent?

even Job repented, and i'm not entirely sure what his sin was.


except that he was human.


then Job answered the Lord and said,
"I know that You can do all things,
and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'
Therefore, I have declared that which I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know
Hear, now, and I will speak;
I will ask You, and You instruct me.
I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
but now my eye sees You;
therefore I retract,
and I repent in dust and ashes."



yeah, i don't necessarily have any conclusions on this. but it's a thought, nonetheless.

now let us bear fruit in keeping with repentance.

failing at failure

i do believe that it possible to fail well. failure doesn't have to be the final word on whether or not a venture was successful. this is a cognitive block for a lot of folks, myself included, but it's true nonetheless: failure is not necessarily the obliteration of success. it's all a matter of perspective; what i THOUGHT success would look like might not be the end result, but that doesn't mean that nothing successful was accomplished.

the bottom line is that God reigns. God reigns over all things. my car. politics. my job. the weather. life and death. money. poverty. starvation. destruction. growth. aging. desires and passions. depression. pain. suffering. joy. relationships. geography. every hair on my head. every breath that sustains my life. every blink of my eyes and every word of my tongue. every sound that i hear, every touch that i feel, every moment i live. every moment you live. every moment they live. God reigns.



and what He calls success often happens in the midst of what the world would call failure. so the question is: do i look at God through the world's perspective of my circumstances, or do i look at my circumstances and the world through God's perspective?

this is where i fail at failing. because when i 'fail' according to MY terms (which are aligned with the world), instead of embracing the opportunity for growth and intimacy with the God of all grace, i mull and wallow and burden myself with guilt and despair. whereas, if i were willing to take my pathetic failures and cast them before the all-able cross of Christ, i might see a phoenix rise from the ashes, more beautiful, more new, more wonderful, more successful than i ever could have imagined. or done on my own.



for it is only in the face of Christ that i can be victorious even while i am in the throes of utter defeat. it is only in the embrace of Christ that i can see success when i am plagued by chronic failure. it is only in the all-powerful reign of Christ that i see pure, true, beautiful GOOD come from the darkest, most corrupt places of my heart.

and if THAT doesn't throw me to my knees in wonder and adoration ...

... then i have really failed.

i am much smaller than i realize

a few weeks ago, on a sunday morning, i was at church. we began as usual, with a worship set. but this time, i couldn't even fake it. i just stood there and cried. granted, this was mere minutes after i found out that my cousin jason's brain tumor couldn't be fully removed, and that it was a fast-growing and often-returning type of tumor.

but i'll be honest: the attitude that yields a worshipful heart has been very far from me lately. so the moments of worshiping "in spirit and in truth" have been very few, scattered between moments of mostly faking or moments of just plain avoiding it.


this morning i was (quite literally) reduced to real, grounding worship. when i say "grounding," i mean the kind of worship that throws you to the ground in tears.

and i realized a few things.

first of all, i am very small. God is very big. let's see: He breathes stars. His words create breath and life. His imagination brought about galaxies and solar systems and universes, probably much more than we know. and in His wisdom He has made the human body so perfectly, with millions of intricacies. probably much more than we know. and besides the sheer depth of His wisdom and creativity, there's the basic vastness of His physical size. we're talking about a God whose centimeter is a light-year. His physical scale is so far beyond our comprehension that we start using words like "quadrillion" to describe the size of things in His universe. He's very, very big. and i am very, very, very small. in fact ... i am but dust...

second of all, He is very worthy.

this is the crux for me, i think. when i lose sight of God's worthiness, i have no reason to worship Him. today it just so happened that when i considered God's size and depth of wisdom, it taught me something of His worthiness, and that brought me to worship. but the basic issue is worth ... my fundamental problem is that i start to believe that i am worthy of recognition and valuation, and i quickly forget the sheer worthiness of Jesus. in fact, that is the ONLY reason i should worship Him. not because the song is cool or because i got blessed or because the act affords me a sense of being OK or because i want people to see me doing it. no, the only reason i worship (if it is in spirit and in truth) is because He is worthy.

i worship

because Jesus

is

worthy.



in the face of joy and pain. when i see life and death. whether i am righteous or a sinner. when i know it all and when i can't see an inch in front of me. when the road is smooth and well-lit, and when the path is dark and filled with pain. when i have faith ... and when i have none. though the world, my life, and the people around me should change chaotically.

Jesus

is

worthy.


"and THAT makes God look glorious." -- piper




'it's not about me' is an understatement.

so when i consider my stony heart, i know that the remedy is Jesus. not because i am so in need of help, but because He is so very, very worthy.


"for by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." colossians one : sixteen and seventeen

oh death, where is your sting?

the edges are pressing in around me. i think this is what empty feels like. joy is a distant memory. and i am tired. i have nothing to give. i'm failing at most everything. i wish i were different. and more than anything else, i just want to believe that my Abba loves me.

today i talked with my mom. she's a nurse, and she doesn't know everything in the world of medicine, but she knows a good bit .... and her assessment of jason's situation was less than hopeful. when she was talking to one of her sisters and she said that there was no good in this. her sister didn't completely agree, but my mom insisted, "how could there be anything good in a 24 year old with an aggressive brain tumor?"

i'm right there with her, on the brink of despairing. it would take just a breeze to brush me off the cliff into the oblivion of hopelessness.



never before have i struggled so to believe the truth, "O Death, where is your victory? O Death, where is your sting?" though it may not have the victory forever, it seems to overwhelm me now. and what i feel when i stare this human frailty in the face is much sharper than a sting.

oh Lord, what can we do? all flesh is fleeting. we are but grass. from dust we came. we are incapable. we are broken. we are feeble. we are small and foolish and so very deceived. yet You have made us a little lower than the angels, given us dominion over the earth ... perhaps to show us how little dominion we actually have.



like gandalf to the hobbits, "yet hope remains, while the company is true." there is only one true companion. only one faithful. only one who loves freely. only one gracious. only one compassionate. only one who creates and sustains all life. only one who speaks things into life or death. only one who knows the end. only one who leads us with gentleness to the streams of living water. only one who can make sense of the chaos of this life.

he never fails.

never.


He is my hope through the tears. He is my hope for restoration. He is my hope for rescue. He is my hope for victory.

oh Jesus ... i put all my hope in You.



and all the rest of my life fades to gray.

though the mountains may crumble into the sea

yesterday was march first.

yesterday i hung out with my mom. i had a soy misto and a blueberry scone. we spent an hour at a cool yarn shop. i bought a laptop (finally on sale). we found a cool hat on sale. we ate lunch at chik-fil-a. we took care of the animals at the house i was house sitting at this weekend.

we got a phone call.


my cousin has a brain tumor.
my twenty-four-year-old cousin jason has a cancerous brain tumor.



and the rest of my life fades to gray.


today is march second.

today i woke up.
i showered.
i fed the animals.
i got in my car and drove to church.
i called my mom.

he had surgery last night. they removed 80% of the tumor. but it's definitely cancer, and it's the kind that likes to come back.

i couldn't sing at church today.



listen to Me, o house of jacob, and all the remnant of the house of israel,
you who have been borne by Me from birth and have been carried from the womb;

even to your old age, I will be the same,
and even to your graying years, I will bear you.

I have done it, and I will carry you;
I will bear you and I will deliver you.

for I am God, and there is no one like Me,
declaring the end from the beginning,
and from ancient times the things which have not yet been done,
saying, 'My purpose will be established,
and I will accomplish all My good pleasure.'

listen to Me, you stubborn-minded, who are far from righteousness.

I bring near My righteousness,
it is not far off;
and My salvation will not delay.
and I will grant salvation in Zion,
and My glory for Israel.

isaiah forty-six


please pray for jason.

fancy this

so it seems to me that i become more of who i am,
when i see/know/find/experience more of Who Jesus is.

not just a security in my identity.
not just a higher level of self-assurance.
not just a greater sense of comfortability in my own skin.


but i actually become a deeper, fuller, truer version of myself.



and i've been feeling a bit lost lately. a but un-like myself.

but i know the remedy.

:D

"for those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son ... and these whome He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified."

romans eight : twenty-nine and thirty

the glory of Christ: a reminder

then i turned to see the voice that was speaking to me.

i saw one like a son of man,
clothed in a robe reaching to the feet,
and girded across His chest with a golden sash.

His head and His hair were white
like white wool,
like snow;

and His eyes were like a flame of fire.

His feet were like burnished bronze,
when it has been made to glow in a furnace,

and His voice was like the sound of many waters.

in His right hand He held seven stars,
and out of His mouth came a sharp two-edged sword;

and His face ...

His face was like the sun
shining in its strength.




when i saw Him...

when i saw Him...

when i saw Him

i fell at His feet like a dead man.




and He placed His right hand on me, saying,

"Do not be afraid;

I am the first

and the last,

and the living One;

I was dead, and behold,

I am alive forevermore,

and I have the keys of death and of Hades."


revelation one : twelve - eighteen

the loose cannon

today there was a moment. it caught me by surprise.

i was laughing, most likely a little bit too loudly, in such a way and in such a place and at such a thing that it probably disturbed a few people around me. yes, others were laughing too ... but i was the disruption. and i caught a look ... you know, a look from someone. it read quite clearly, "annoyed."

the look was like a mirror to me. and i had the thought again. like so many other times, when i speak too quickly or assume too much or get preoccupied or distracted or just plain inconsiderate [in other words, self-centered], i saw in that mirror: there goes the loose cannon. the variable. the unstable element. the volatile one.

i really, really hate being the loose cannon. i'd much rather be dependable, respectful, the epitome of grace and propriety. i hate being a loose cannon.



but you know what is incredible?

God loves a loose cannon.


i mean, really? really, Lord? you have quite a knack for picking the rejects. you pick the loose cannons, and the failures. the cowards. the bumblers and the stutterers. the control freaks and the out-of-control tornadoes. you pick the crippled and the bruised, the tattered and torn, the bed-ridden and the blind, the deaf and the dumb. you pick the unpredictable one.

yes, God loves me, the loose cannon. and he picks me. because i've got nothing to boast about in myself. i'm the failure. the reject. the crippled, blind coward. so if i can bring Him glory, if i can bring the lost to Him ... it says nothing about me.

and it says everything about Him.



"i will rather boast, therefore, in my weaknesses ... so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."

if this is what You want to do, Lord, who am i to interfere?

it's been a long december

and there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last.


so, has it been a hard year for anyone else? hah, don't answer that .... because i already know.

today, as i was getting frustrated with God (i might have been yelling at Him a little?), i was thinking back over some of the things that this year has taught me.

trust.
perseverance.
eternal perspective.
security in the nature of God alone.
selflessness (ok, actually, maybe just that i am selfish).
hope.
truth.


and in myself, i saw that talk is cheap, but how i spend my days is what actually reveals what i believe about the world and myself and God.


so now i'm thinking about how i've spent my days.

and what i really believe, apparently ...






... and i'm thinking that maybe my heart is a little crusty.

it's been a long december
but there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last.

the lines have fallen

last night i spent some time just reminiscing. i read through my old journal from the summer when i worked for youthworks ... incredible.


i don't know about you, but it's really easy for me to forget all the good things that God has done in my life, all the ways that He has lavished His love on me and all the times that He has shown His glory and goodness in my life. and while i don't think it's healthy to live in the past or wish more than anything that you could go back to a certain time (for God has called you with perfect faithfulness to His purposes in the here and now and in the future), it is no more healthy to be bitter about the past, to wish that it wasn't, to disregard it, or to forget about.

because it is TRUE that God is ALWAYS bearing good things in our lives.


that same summer (2005), i was reading the psalms, and sixteen caught my attention in particular. if you know me fairly well, you know that much of my formative years were characterized by what i now see as some of the greatest trials of my whole life. what i mean is that for a long time i was bitter and angry and hateful about my past and the life i had been 'subjected' to. and when the Lord revealed my own bitter, hardened heart to me, it was not a momentary conversion to a light, soft, loving heart again. it took a lot of time. and it was soon after the 'end' of that process that i read psalm sixteen:five and six.


the Lord is my portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You support my lot.
the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.

indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.


my prayer that summer was that the Lord would mold me in such a way that i would be able to say this and mean this with my whole heart.

what i am seeing now, two years (and much drama in the Jesus + rachel story) later, is that the only way that i will be able to say this, and mean it wholly, is if i really, truly believe and trust GOD that His plans are for good, for glory, perfectly faithful, not to do damage even if they cause pain, but to bear the fruit of redemption and salvation in my life.



that doesn't mean it gets any easier to deal with the effect of 'my heritage' ... because i am human, i am ever in need of God's grace, and the perfection of His glory on earth has yet to be fully revealed; so basically, things still suck a little bit. but it's my perspective that makes all the difference ... which means that instead of praying for God to change the world, perhaps i should be praying more for Him to keep changing me.

and i should keep remembering my heritage and how He has given me beauty for ashes, a garland of praise for my sackcloth of mourning--not just in my outward circumstances, but in my very heart's conditon.

and what more reason do i need to worship Him with my whole life?

things that make my heart heavy

war and its atrocities. (my parents have been watching ken burns' documentary about world war II on pbs)

stillborn babies. (in keeping up with john piper's blog)

the baggage my family carries into every interaction. (i just want mom to be free)


it's so true, i see it everywhere i go:
the earth waits and groans.

and for that reason, nothing makes my heart heavier
than knowing that there are hundreds
thousands
millions
billions of people in the world

without
real
hope.

without the good news of Jesus.
without the freedom of the presence of God with us.
without the assurance of salvation from this excruciating, futile, defeated life.


i would have despaired
unless i believed
that i would see the goodness of God
in the land of the living.

so on that glorious day
i will enter His presence giving thanks
i will approach His throne with praise

not that He gave me what i hoped for
but that He gave me all that i did not deserve ....
..... that He gave me more than what i would have dared to hope for.


because He is better than anything i could hope for or imagine.
and my heart will not be heavy forever.

[isaiah twenty-eight : twenty-three through twenty-nine]

we could not ...

o Lord, You are my God;
i will exalt You, i will give thanks to Your name;
for You have worked wonders,
plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness.

for You have made a city into a heap,
a fortified city into a ruin;
a palace of strangers is a city no more,
it will never be rebuilt.
therefore, a 'strong' people will glorify You;
cities of ruthless nations will revere You.

for You have been a defense for the helpless,
a defense for the needy in his distress,
a refuge from the storm, a shade from the heat;
for the breath of the ruthless
is like a rain storm against a wall.
like heat in drought, You subdue the uproar of aliens;
like heat by the shadow of a cloud, the song of the ruthless is silenced.

the Lord of hots will prepare a lavish banquet for all peoples on this mountain;
a banquet of aged wine, choice pieces with marrow,
and refined, aged wine.
and on this mountain He will swallow up the covering which is over all peoples,
even the veil which is stretched over all nations.
He will swallow up death for all time,
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
and He will remove the reproach of His people from all the earth;
for the Lord has spoken.

and it will be said in that day,
"behold, this is our God for whom we have waited that He might save us,
this is the Lord for whom we have waited."


we could not accomplish deliverance for the earth ...

Lord, You will establish peace for us,
since You have also performed for us all our works.
o Lord, our God, other masters besides You have ruled us;
but through You alone we confess Your name.



isaiah
twenty-five : one through nine
twenty-six : eighteen, twelve and thirteen