...confessions of chronic humanity

all there is

2011-12-29T09:58:00.000-05:00

it is a divinely happy thought that, though i fail and stray and falter often, i do not stand on my own merit, be it good or bad. my righteous deeds are as filthy rags, and at my weakest point the strength of Christ is perfected, and yet i am already approved regardless of what i have merited.

approved on the life, death, and victory over death of Christ.

i have no other claim. i can claim nothing more. that is all there is.

it is a divinely happy thought.

how long, how long, how long?

2011-12-05T01:10:00.000-05:00

i distinctly remember reading psalm 13 in high school. i remember it so distinctly because it totally confused me.

how long, O Lord? will You forget me forever?
how long will You hide your face from me?

how long shall i take counsel in my soul,
having sorrow in my heart all the day?
how long will my enemy be exalted over me?

consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
enlighten my eyes, or i will sleep the sleep of death,
and my enemy will say, 'i have overcome him,'
and my adversaries will rejoice when i am shaken.

when i was younger, no only did it seem totally uncouth and arrogant to ask such questions of God, as if this were a cross-examination to uncover His of malevolent intentions, but on a fundamental level, the inquiries seemed irrelevant for someone whose hope is in the Lord.

i mean, really!? "how long will you forget me?" come on. hey psalmist, don't you know that even if a mother could forget her own child, even then the Lord could not forget his own? our names are written on the palm of His hand? He has seen every day of our lives and can number the hairs on our head? PSH! like HE could ever forget us? why would you ask such a silly question?

and, come on, dude. get your face out of the mud! sorrow in your heart all day long? and seriously, you're ready to die because you're convinced the Lord doesn't see you? can somebody please say it--you're delusional.

or maybe you're just incredibly impatient. don't you know the Lord commands the stars to rise and the sun to set, and He is master over time and space because He created it? i mean, can't you give Him a LITTLE credit that He knows what He is doing inside of time? wait on His timing, it's obviously right. quit your little pity-party and buck up. geez.

that was the mindset of my 16-year-old self. maybe it was because i only asked such questions when i was being selfish and whiney. maybe it was because i was afraid of asking the Lord to faithfully display His own nature to me more fully. maybe it was because i had already been waiting on the Lord for three whole years (since i became a believer), and, you know, waiting wasn't turning out to be all that hard.

until it was. ten years later.

and the dull ache of loneliness starts to settle into my bones.
and the long hours, days, weeks... years of silence from the Lord starts to deafen my ears to the truth.
and the painful struggle against the temptation of habitual sin starts to seem unconquerable.
and the growing emptiness of unrealized hopes and dreams starts to numb me of all desire.
and the futility of every effort taken to repair broken relationships starts to build up walls of bitterness.
the the endless string of morning upon morning, evening upon evening, where all i can say is, "Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner in constant need of grace."

it's wearying.

and now i understand the psalmist, who undoubtedly waited so much longer than 10 years for the Lord to return, repair, restore, resurrect. i understand the plea: how long, o Lord? how long? how long? i'm not looking for an estimated wait time or a countdown calendar. i'm asking for your PRESENCE. be here, with me, now, and fix this. only You can. show up. do it. i'm DONE. i'm so stinkin' done with all this crap. get here, now. where are you? i know, i know, you're "everywhere." but i mean, where are your purposes and where is your truth and goodness in the middle of all this waiting? i don't get it, Lord, and i'm starting to lose sight of the horizon.

but i have trusted in Your lovingkindness.
my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
i will sing to the Lord,
because He has dealt bountifully with me.

there it is. the rooting of our souls. the foundation of our faith. the watch by which we measure all waiting. His nature. His love. His plan for salvation. He has proven Himself in the past; if only we would be reminded more frequently.

and i am not asking to accuse or to whine or to convince Him to change the plan. no, i ask because i need Him to know that i need Him today. i ask because i am so very weary and He is so very good. the only good; the best good. i ask because i need to know that this is not the final chapter, that one day He will be the dawn and the darkness will forever die. i ask because i have not forsaken the hope that He provides. i ask so that i can keep looking forward. i ask so that i can live. i ask because if i don't ask, i may die.

how long? how long? how long until this burden is lifted?
how long? how long is this the song that we sing?
how long until the reckoning?
--andrew peterson--

i'll have no other.

2011-09-24T21:38:00.000-04:00

at the end of an empty bottle--
at the end of that ill-fitting relationship--
at the end of an entire tank of gas taken one-way west--
at the end of the roller coaster--
at the end of that first kiss--
at the end of the bowl of ice cream--
at the end of an argument you 'won'--
at the end of your maxed out credit card--
at the end of a Jane Austen--
at the end of a great job offer--

there is thing we like to call "real life." ha. whatever that is.

this is our real life:

we pay high prices to assuage the aching emptiness. we sell our resources, our relationships, our dignity, our time... just for a moment's peace. just for an escape to some sense of perfection, one that's gone in a blink.

andrew osenga sings it this way: "almost every girl i've ever kissed is married//it's not a lot of weddings, but it's sure a crazy thought//now they all seem like someone else's story//i wonder what we paid for what we got."

i wonder what we paid for what we got.

when will we see? the price is too high and the prize is not worth it! how long until we cry 'uncle,' until we say, 'Enough!'

the things that are real will endure. only the unshakable will remain. and i examine what i've bought with my resources and relationships and dignity and time, and i realize: i'm not gonna have much when it all shakes out. not much at all.

Oh, that You would cure my heart of its bent to passing pleasures. Oh, that You would stay my heart from straying to a quick fix. Oh, that You would be my vision, and that, beholding You, all else would fade away. there is only One true. there is only One good. be all mine; i am wholly Yours, and i'll have no other.

when only the unshakable remains

2011-07-22T11:50:00.000-04:00

most of our lives are lived very near to the surface. we can't plumb the existential depths of human life for very long before we need to come up for air. we get stuck in the cycles of work, eat, sleep, play... and it's easy to stay busy at that level.

until. until something within us is pricked, or pushed, and all the things that hide in the darkness of our depths are brought up to the light.

here's what i mean: i was driving down I-64 on my way to work a few days ago. i was trying to merge, i had just had a jerky driver nearly cause an accident, my day had started with an emotionally draining phone conversation, and i was stressed out about arranging my upcoming move. suddenly, my phone rang. it was actually a really good friend of mine who i would normally love to hear from. but instead of answering, i shut off the ringer and i primal-screamed at the top of my lungs.

my heart is like a tube of toothpaste. if you apply enough pressure, what's on the inside is inevitably going to come out. and sometimes, it's not going to be very pretty.

this little volcanic temper tantrum is indicative of the last few weeks of my life. i'm not gonna lie: it's been a little rough. i have had the limits of my patience tested. i have been accused of having no moral fiber. i have met resistance when trying to accomplish good. i have lost one of my closest friends. i have fallen into foolish traps of temporary pleasure. i have watched something that i love dearly and have invested a lot of my life into begin to fall apart completely. i have received bad news about several family members. i have considered if it is time to totally cut of the most damaged and damaging relationship in my life, where i had once hoped with expectation to see restoration. i have cried. a lot. and i really don't know if i have ever felt more alone.

except....
where shall i go from your Spirit? or where shall i flee from your presence? if i ascend to heaven, you are there. if i make my bed in sheol, you are there. if i take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.if i say, "surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as day, for the darkness is as light with you.

this is a bit of a mystery to me: it is right here, in the middle of everything falling apart, where the love of God is made known to me. yes, i know His love in the sunshine and spring of all good and pleasant things blooming around me. yes, i know His love in the blessings of a prosperous life and in the provision of all life-sustaining things. yes, i know His love in the peace and security of solid relationships. all of that is pretty easy; all of that feels good.

but even when the sun isn't shining, even when the accusations are flying, even when relationships are falling apart, even when i've effed everything up beyond all recognition... even there, Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will hold me.

and You know what? You have. i don't know why you still do, i don't know how You still can, but i know that You love me. grace upon grace, this is the love of God that surpasses all knowledge. and don't i know it.

this is love: not that we have loved God, but that He has loved us, and has sent His Son to be the atonement for our sins. not that we have loved God. but He has loved us. He is loving us until it hurts, until there's nothing on this earth we love more than Him. His touch is devastating as he shakes out all that can be shaken, until only the unshakable remains. it hurts to be shaken, but what i will be when all the shaking is done is worth it.

so yeah, i'm being shaken. and maybe i'm falling apart right now. and maybe... it's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

proof of what is possible

2011-05-18T23:40:00.000-04:00

i have a friend who is known for saying, "you can't argue with a changed life."

yeah, that's the truth. tonight i was encouraged to hear the story of a changed life. and i got to thinking about all the people i know who have the miraculous story of a changed life. a life redeemed from certain destruction. i got to thinking about the true reaches of this power i profess to believe, the power of resurrection, the power of death becoming alive. i got to thinking about how little i believe for those lives around me who are in desperate need of becoming the story of a changed life.

i have a friend who was an addict. violent. angry. divorced. bankrupt. estranged. and now he is clean. gracious. loving. patient. forgiving. employed. becoming a father again. seeing the work of God's grace in his life.

i have a friend who was a gang member. drug addict. poser at a christian college. God brought him to his knees, to his face, literally. and redeemed his life from the pit. gave him grace to be a leader, leading countless people to the Lord and working to be an agent of justice in a broken world.

i have a friend who was unfaithful. and subsequently rejected. abandoned. and now is whole and complete, lacking nothing.

i have a friend who was ruled by an eating disorder. and now is free.

i have a friend who was bitter with the Lord for her lot in this life. and now is joyful at the wisdom and providence of what God has given.

i have a friend who was angry, prideful, never admitting she was wrong. she estranged all friendships and most family relationships. she nearly broke apart her family. she was depressed and out of control. and now she is learning how to say, "i'm sorry, please forgive me." how to control her temper. how to maintain even the most difficult relationships. how to love those who have hurt her.

i have a friend who dared to speak the unspeakable word, "divorce," for the lack of hope for her marriage. but she put her hope instead in the Lord, and was able to watch Him transform her husband and her marriage into something better than it ever could've been before.

i have a friend who was betrayed and broken by a fiance's broken promise. she waited on the Lord, and He delivered to her something better, something that could not have been so sweet if it had not been framed by the heartache.

time would fail me to finish the stories of redemption, were i to continue. but you get the idea.

this, today, is not the final word. this is not the end of the story. you may have seen yourself in one of the stories above; i can see myself in nearly all of them. and so come with me, let us put our hope in the Lord, the only One who can bring life out of death, who can bring something out of nothing. this is the proof of what is possible with the Lord: you can't argue with a changed life.

useful sin

2011-03-06T01:59:00.000-05:00

a confession: i don't practice confession very well. (too much irony?) but really, i don't. actually, i brought it up in my member interview at Sojourn this past week. my community group and close friends therein have been great examples of how God uses good confession to heal and sanctify us. i've experienced the goodness of the discipline. i am just not intentional or, honestly, all that glad about practicing it.

one reason i don't regularly confess is that sin immobilizes me. i feel paralyzed when i consider my sin. look, i've been at this Christian thing for a long time now, over a decade actually. you might think i'd start to get a little better at it. but i'm not. sometimes i think i'm worse than i've ever been. so when i approach the confessional, i do not hear the ringing truth of God's sufficient grace. i hear the sirens wailing, pulling up my very tainted track record.

then it becomes a spiral: i remember other errs, grievous ones, ones from last month, last year, even 15 years ago. things i did and words i said to people who needed to be loved. and i am crushed. is that who i am? it's certainly not who i want to be, but it's starting to look like that's who i am. that's what my life is reflecting. and it's got a lot of ugly. i'd rather not get into it, thankyouverymuch.

is this starting to get depressing? i hope it is. because it's true, and it's the human condition. cognitive dissonance can only go so far; at some point we have to face the music.

this is why i need confession. i need to know how ugly this really is. i need to get into it.

because i need to know how far this grace must come.

it's like i'm digging a hole in the ground: with each confession of sin, i'm digging out the poison and casting it away, that part of me is taken away and it no longer has any bearing on who i am. so i dig, and dig, and dig some more. i dig until i break a sweat, until my arms are sore, until i'm covered in dirt and bruises and smell like i haven't showered in a week. i dig until i think i've gotten it all. then see i haven't; and i dig some more.

and then it rains.

and it doesn't stop raining until the entire hole is filled.

it is sufficient.

sin makes me feel useless. i stop participating in the work God is doing when i wallow in my own sin.

but sin is useful: it reveals my need for God, and it reveals the depth of His great love for me. "at the right time, while we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. for a righteous man, someone will rarely die, and for a good man, someone might possibly be willing to die. but God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." romans seven : six - eight.

this unthinkable love is true. and every time i practice confession, i claim it as my covering. confession is the starting place for the love of God to be fully known in my life.

sustained.

2011-02-12T11:37:00.001-05:00

sometimes i feel like it's too tall an order, this business of becoming who i am... becoming who i already am, becoming who i want to be.

i get so scared of messing up that i don't even want to try. i get so discouraged by my repeated failures that i just want to quit. it's too hard! it's too much work! it's insurmountable! i'm so far away from the goal. how will i ever get there? what could possibly sustain me?

what could possibly sustain me?

what could possibly sustain me to see the vision realized, to see the goal met?

and it's there, right there in that place, that it is proved:

i need You. i do.

professor horner's bible reading system and other medicine man miracles

2011-02-02T13:24:00.000-05:00

i mean, really? is there a better way to imagine the signage for professor horner's bible reading system than as the weathered advertisement on the side of a traveling circus wagon? but i digress.

"Prof. Horner’s Bible Reading System is meant to be an intense foray into every part of the Bible. This system will have you reading ten chapters each day if followed properly. The intent is to read quickly through each chapter, being careful not to “skim” or “dig-deep” into any single section. Good luck!"

i've tried a reading plan or two in the duration of my enlightened life. this is the only one i've ever wanted to recommend... or even commend, for that matter. perhaps it is the ease of accessibility on www.youversion.com, including the youversion app on the iphone, but i have had a higher success rate than expected. the best part: even when i don't succeed at keeping up with the daily reading, i can tell youversion to "catch me up," and i don't have to wade through four day's worth of 30-60 minute readings. (four days? who am i kidding. try seven. i hope my honesty helps to free you of your religious, self-righteous guilt for not cracking your good book yesterday.) you can even have youversion email you the daily reading, or subscribe in your feedreader via RSS. i mean, this is the lazy man's best study friend.

i am really enjoying the juxtaposition of the OT and NT in this reading plan. i'm especially enjoying the order that the plan dictates: not all OT then all NT, but back and forth between the two. not only does this keep my mind fresh (hey, who doesn't love a good chapter-full of geaneologies?), but it is helping me to see the common thread woven through all: that is, the gospel of salvation by God's hand through Jesus Christ alone for the ultimate glory of God.

all that to say: if you're looking for a plan that is more-than-five-minutes-comprehensive yet attainable, user-friendly and guilt-free*, try this one on for size.

*guilt-free only comes with the "by grace alone" package, though, so you might need to take that pre-requisite before diving in.

justification and old-school derek webb

2011-01-24T11:57:00.000-05:00

this was the song all the christian college kids liked to learn on their acoustic guitar--i mean, the lyrics included "whore" and "bastard" but you couldn't get in trouble for saying them because it was still about Jesus. you know, kind of like the Bible.

ha.

anyway, i was listening to "wedding dress" while i was driving around town today, and i heard it in a new light.

at lunch with my community group, a question was posed about how best to teach the doctrine of justification. we discussed different analogies and how it had been best described to us, and it was a fairly illuminating conversation. here's what i gleaned: we have been given, regardless of merit but rather by the work and power of Christ, the identity of Christ. it's something that is put on us like clothing, in the same way that the prodigal son is given a robe and a ring--signs of power and authority even though he squandered his inheritance and ran away. "the clothes make the man"-- and we are clothed in righteousness, we are called righteous by God, and so we are. we didn't DO it, and yet we ARE, because He said so. He creates life by His breath, certainly he can make us justified with the same.

after our lunchtime theological discussion, i was listening to derek webb. i've liked the song "wedding dress" since the first time i heard it. to me it meant many things, but i never quite grasped what exactly was his intention or message. then, a few years ago, i stumbled upon a youtube video of derek introducing the song, and he explained that he had written it in response to the craze over the book "the prayer of jabez." he was responding to the church being soured by the american consumerist mentality of entitlement and comfort. it was about idols, and materialism, or ... something like that. honestly, it kind of cheapened the song for me. i had found it really profound, as a confession of my sin and a cry for grace to come. but now it seemed a little hollow--almost political, perhaps only a commentary on the modern american church. such a commentary is certainly not a useless exercise for a songwriter, but it was not what the song had meant to me previously.

but then, as echoes of our lunchtime conversation bounced around in my head, i heard something new in the lyrics. i heard justification, by grace alone.

if you could love me as a wife
for my wedding gift your life
should that be all i'll ever need,
or is there more i'm looking for?

God makes me His, and that is all i need to be perfect. it's not Jesus, plus ______. it's only Jesus. i don't need to jump through rings of fire or sing pitch-perfect church choir solos or even be baptized or be nice or pay my bills on time to be perfect. i am His, because He said so, and so i am perfect.

'cause i am a whore, i do confess
i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle, i run down the aisle
i'm a prodigal with no way home,
i put you on just like a band of gold
and i run down the aisle, i run down the aisle
to you

you see? i'm a whore. i'm a sinner. but God says i'm His. and so i am. that's how the whore puts on the wedding dress, and how the debt-ridden prodigal takes the golden ring. it's grace from start to finish; no more, no less.

what is beautiful to me about this picture of justification is our response: i run down the aisle. i can feel the urgency: this is too good to be true, let me seal the deal before He realizes what He's getting. the runaway son can turn around and come home, because he is accepted in spite of his former rebellion. the promiscuous woman can march down the aisle and take the vows, because she is loved and desired as a wife in spite of her 'tainted' life.

bottom line: come, ye sinners.

Let not conscience make you linger,
Not of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.

conflict and the gospel

2010-11-02T22:33:00.000-04:00

i have a sharp memory from my sophomore year of college: i was reading through my new training material for Youthworks, my upcoming summer job. the binder had an entire section dedicated to conflict--the good, the bad, the ugly. it talked about how to anticipate conflict, how to keep composure in conflict, how to reach a true better-than compromise, how to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel even in the midst of conflict.

it was like all the house lights suddenly came up.

sophomore year was characterized by constant conflict. you know, best of times//worst of times. we had a great group of friends, we had tons of fun, we all lived in the same hall, and eventually we became an infected, seeping, ingrown toenail of sorts. girls fought over guys, guys fought over girls, the guys treated the girls with very little concern, the girls didn't give the guys much respect or space, and we played a lot of texas hold 'em and catchphrase in between all of the mess.

and we were incredibly unpracticed at applying the gospel to our corporate mess.

when i read the training manual on conflict, i immediately discussed it with a few of the girls involved. it was a hard pill for all of us to swallow. we had to admit that we were doing something wrong. we had to give up our claims of rightness and our self-justifications. we had to repent of our selfish anger and these-are-my-rights mentality. and we had to extend grace to one other for our weaknesses.

bear one another's burdens, and this way you fulfill the law of Christ. galatians 6:2

oh, gospel. there you are.

you know, when we are accustomed to being ruled by worldly wisdom or carnal desires, the word of the cross becomes a stumbling block. the wisdom of God sounds like foolishness to our death-filled ears. we wrap our fists around all the so-called injustices we have suffered and we use them as weapons of vengeance. and you know what? we may even be "right." but, as a wise friend once told me, the gospel changes everything.

the gospel
changes
everything.

even when i'm right. especially when i'm right.

what good is it to win every conflict by clever arguments or sheer force of personality if the gospel is trampled? there is no winner when the flesh determines the outcome, for there is only death in the way of the flesh.

but when conflict brings about truth spoken in love, when it brings reconciliation, when it brings healing, when it brings us to be satisfied in Christ instead of the world, when it exposes and expunges our sin, when it brings redemption ... then the gospel lives, and we with it.

so tonight i'm thinking about how to be diligent to preserve the bond of unity, which is love, between my brothers and sisters, even when we frustrate one another. it is certainly not easy, but it is definitely worth it.

autumn delights

2010-09-24T18:33:00.000-04:00

although i probably COULD write an entire post about how delightful autumn is to me, this is actually a recipe for an autumn treat. i don't want to call them cookies because they're really much more healthy and not as sweet, but they're just as delicious as their chocolate-chip (and butter-laden) counterparts.

soundtrack: vaughan williams, fantasia on a theme by thomas tallis (this is a critical part to the baking process)

"wet" ingredients:
1/2 cup butter or coconut oil, softened
2 eggs
1 tbsp molasses (or maple syrup, i suppose)
1/2 cup splenda/sugar mix
1/3 cup brown sugar, packed
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
cinnamon (i use a LOT, and i don't measure. to taste?)
nutmeg (same story, but not as much)
2 medium apples, cored, peeled, finely diced (hello food processor! and apple corer/peeler/slicer!)

dry ingredients
3 cups oats (for a finer texture, i put mine through the food processor for a minute or so.)
3/4 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
crasins (i used cranberry and pomegranate flavor)

preheat oven to 375*, or 350* for dark or non-stick

in large bowl, combine all wet ingredients except apples with hand mixer until well blended. blend in apples until well mixed. add flours and oats, stirring until very well mixed. fold in cranberries.

spoon onto cookie sheets, about 2" apart, by rounded teaspoonfuls. be mindful that they will retain whatever shape you put them in, so the rounder, the better. bake on center rack for 9-12 minutes, until they retain shape when lightly pressed.

remove immediately from pan and cool on rack or wax paper. yield: 50-55 cookies.

the plunge

2010-09-09T21:15:00.000-04:00

not to be confused with the plunger :)

this sunday, i'm being baptized at the 7:00 pm service at sojourn community church. if anyone who reads this is in the louisville area, i would love for you to celebrate this with me, especially since my family won't be able to attend.

i've never actually attended a baptism service at sojourn because of work schedules and being out of town, so i'm a little bit nervous about how it's all going to go down (pun intended). but i know this much: i wrote my baptism testimony for them, and someone is going to read it before i'm dunked :) i thought it might be an encouragement to someone out there, so i'm posting it here as well. some background: i was baptized in the methodist church when i was a month old. i was saved when i was 13, after which time i went through confirmation (and a public confession of faith) to join the church. because of this, even as i learned more about doctrine and denominational theology, i became conflicted about whether or not i needed to be baptized "again" -- or maybe just plain ol' baptized. i was afraid of offending my family. i was afraid of causing other people in similar situations to doubt their salvation. but ultimately i came to understand this: baptism is not magical. it's not salvation-inducing. it's not something that will give me heaven insurance. in fact, i am already completely assured of my salvation, so it's not going to even make me "feel better."

so what is it? it's an act of obedience. it's conforming my life to be more like Jesus'. it's putting action to my faith. it's worship and submission to God.

that's certainly something worth doing.

***

I was raised in a church-going family, and I was the Sunday School know-it-all. But even though I knew a lot of things about God, I didn’t know Him as my Father, my Sovereign Lord, or my Savior. In fact, I didn’t even know that I needed a Savior—by my own estimation, I was a pretty good kid. Then, when I was 13, I heard the gospel (probably for the hundredth time) and finally I understood what God had done for me. God gave me eyes to see and ears to hear, and I saw that I had spent my whole life in self-centered disobedience to God. I was a sinner, and I deserved death. But I also heard the call of hope: I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed and wanted to know Jesus Christ who had paid my debt and who had put death in its grave on my behalf. I responded to God’s call to repent of my sin, to believe and to follow Him. That night, at a church camp in Northern Indiana, I prayed for Jesus to take my life, to be my life. Since that time, He has not stopped His work of sanctification in me, by His grace, and I could speak of countless ways that He has changed me and is changing me. He has taught me how to love and forgive in the face of hatred and injustice. He has given me new eyes to see people with compassion instead of judgment. And though I am still wrapped in flesh and struggle with sin, He continues to take my stubborn, stony heart and make it His again. The same God who made me is the same God who saved me, is the same God who is perfecting me by grace in Christ Jesus for His eternal glory. That is why I come for baptism today. Although I was saved by God’s grace 12 years ago, I was never baptized afterward. My parents ‘baptized’ me when I was an infant, and I made a public confession and joined the church after I was saved. But the truth is that God desires and delights in my obedience, and it is His command for me to follow in Jesus’ footsteps with baptism. I am a servant, certainly not greater than my Master, and with my baptism I am telling God, the Church, and the World that I am His and He is mine! I belong to no other, all I have is Christ. His life, His death, and His resurrection are my only plea. So wash me in the water of the Word, make my life His own. Hallelujah!

homemade granola bars

2010-08-20T22:48:00.000-04:00

i love granola bars, but i don't like how much they cost. so i decided to try my hand at making my own today. i googled several recipes, but i ended up just making up my own recipe based on what i had sitting around my kitchen.

a few notes, before i share the recipe: the most important thing is the ratio of dry to wet ingredients, so if you don't like flax seed or peanuts, or if you only have honey and maple syrup, simply substitute more/less of another ingredient. you can use any fruit and any nut, even chocolate chips or m&m's if you want to. i used prunes, dates, and apricots, which i diced before i began. i also used cranberries, blueberries, and raisins, which i left whole. i used sunflower seeds, peanuts, and soy nuts, but i threw them all in my food processor to keep it all fine. i'm not a big fan of huge chunks of anything in my baked goods. also, instead of wheat germ or oat flour, as some recipes called for, i just put some whole oats in my food processor for a minute or so until it became flour, and then i added some xantham gum for a little extra "stick." i'm not sure if the xantham gum was necessary, so i suppose you could try it w/o and see how it works! also, i used coconut oil instead of only butter, because coconut oil's melting point is 77*F, which means that it will stay solid longer.

also, these directions are for a double batch. each pan, depending how you cut, will make 12-18 bars.

supplies:
2 large mixing bowls
1 cookie sheet
1 medium saucepan
2 pans, 9"x13" (or 8"x8" for thicker granola squares)
wax paper
cooking spray

dry ingredients:
4 cups oats
2 cups processed oats (to oat flour)
1/2 cup milled flax seed
1/2 cup seeds
1 cup soy nuts
2 cups peanuts (or other assorted nuts)
1 tsp salt
2 tsp xantham gum
3/4 cup brown sugar
3 tsp assorted spices (cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, ginger, etc.)

syrup ingredients:
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup agave
1/2 cup molasses
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup coconut oil

other ingredients:
3 cups cup assorted dried fruit
1 tbs raw sugar

preheat oven to 400*F. mix together all dry ingredients, making sure the brown sugar is well-mixed. Separate into two batches, about 5-6 cups each. (at this point, if making different flavors, add the substitute nuts/spices). toast first batch of oat mix in the oven on the cookie sheet for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally to keep from burning. while oats toast, heat all syrup ingredients in saucepan over low-medium heat, stirring frequently to mix (esp. the molasses) and to keep from burning. when toasting completes, put 1 1/2 cups of dried fruit in large bowl, pour toasted oat mix over, mix well. (at this point, begin toasting 2nd batch of oats). add half of the syrup mix to the bowl, keeping the rest over low heat. stir oat mix and fruit and syrup very well, making sure all is coated. i had to stir for about two minutes. in the first 9"x13" pan, place wax paper in the bottom (leave it long enough to fold all the way over the top), spray lightly with cooking spray, and if desired, sprinkle raw sugar lightly. pour the mix into the pan, spreading evenly with spoon. fold wax paper over top, press very firmly into the bottom of the pan. (i found it helpful to cover the wax paper with a towel). allow to cool for 3 hours before removing from pan and slicing to desired size.

my first combination: cinnamon, nutmeg, dates, prunes, raisins, blueberries.
my second: cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, almond slivers, apricots, dates, cranberries, blueberries.

be still

2010-07-31T22:31:00.001-04:00

we sang this hymn last sunday, and being a classical musician with more than a few sibelius pieces under my belt, i've always loved it for the melody alone. but over the past week, the words have resonated in my life and in the lives of many, many friends and family around me.

here is the crux: my faith, and the joy therein, rests not on good or bad fortune, not on circumstance, not on the persuasiveness of clever arguments, not on the merit of my own actions, not on the conviction of my own mind or the force of my own will. no: my faith, and the joy therein, is founded completely in the work of Christ laying death in its grave. death and all its cohorts have been swallowed up in victory. as i sang today with quick said the bird, "as we wait for the dawn//will you stay awake?//we'll be naked again//but we'll feel no shame//everything will be revealed//and we'll have no pain//all creation will sing//our song's refrain."

Christ is the Victor, Christ is our treasure. His kindness is greater than any good thing we could gain on earth, His love is more able to heal than any evil is able to hurt. there is nothing that could happen that would be so bad that His goodness cannot overwhelm it. there is nothing that could happen that would be so good that His goodness would not still be better than it.

in the face of the unknown future, in the face of new challenges, in the face of returning cancer, in the face of lost friends, in the face of broken marriages, in the face of suddenly expanding families, in the face of disappointment, in the face of depression, in the face of sin ... be still, my soul: this is not the end of the story.

be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change, God faithful will remain.
be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly Friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future, as in ages past.
your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while He dwelt below.

be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
be still my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

live well right now

2010-05-23T00:47:00.002-04:00

i recently heard about a friend of a friend who has unexpectedly had to deal with infidelity in a marriage. i suppose infidelity is never really expected, though. people don't usually enter into marriage with an expectation of being cheated on. most people probably think that loyalty is one of the main points of marriage in the first place.

the way it happened was pretty usual: there was opportunity, which is just a little bit nicer way of saying there was temptation. and instead of resisting and fleeing temptation, this person let it linger. like dangling a carrot in front of your own face, it just sat out there for a little while as an possibility. then there was some 'innocent' communication -- you know, over technology, not face-to-face, so it seemed less formal ... and less real. and then the invitation, and finally the indulgence. mix well, bake at 375* for thirty minutes, and voila: one incredibly broken family.

we are all sinners. denial of that fact only sets us up for failure. but so often we think that our circumstances will reform us: i'll be faithful when i'm married. i won't be addicted to sex or p-rn when i'm married. i'll stop cutting or starving myself when my boyfriend proposes. i'll keep a cleaner house and a cleaner mouth after i have children. i'll live a more spirit-filled life once i go away to seminary. i'll give up alcohol and cigarettes once this stressful season of life has passed.

it's all a lie. circumstances will not reform us. we are still sinners. we are sinners who get married, who go to seminary, who raise children, who minister in the church, who witness in the community with our words and our lives. and none of those situations will flip a switch to reform us of our sinful behaviors. in fact, each of those situations will probably expose us as the sinners we are. we will find ourselves tempted and we will find it all too easy to succumb to sin.

we don't need different circumstances. we need a savior.

"Lord, You establish peace for us. All that we have accomplished, You have done for us."
--isaiah twenty-six : twelve--

we cannot bring deliverance to the earth, and we cannot bring deliverance to ourselves. for all our efforts, for all our writhing and suffering under the pains of labor, all we could give birth to was wind. there is nothing of substance to be found in us ourselves. (read the rest of isaiah 26) but there is someone who can accomplish it all for us.

which is why we can't trust our circumstances, as they change, to change us to make us better. our bad habits and sinful tendencies will remain. but what we can do is begin relying on the sufficiency of the strength and grace of Christ to sustain us completely even now, in our present circumstances, and watch as a supernatural change begins to occur. if we live well, relying on Christ, right now, then no devastating change in circumstances could ever destroy us.

if i can't worship God and live faithfully in obedience to Him right exactly where i am today, then it doesn't matter that i can do it elsewhere.

be here now, and live it well.

all i have is christ

2010-05-05T22:15:00.000-04:00

we're singing this song at church on sunday. i'm pretty doggone excited about it.
All I Have Is Christ from Sovereign Grace Ministries on Vimeo.

i try to pick songs from scripture and songs that are drenched with the gospel. but i also try to pick songs they they can learn quickly and sing easily as one congregation. when it comes to the chorus of this one, i hope it get stuck in their heads for a few days ... i know it's been in mine :D

mind over matter? not usually my strength.

2010-04-05T15:25:00.000-04:00

don't go to the grocery when you haven't yet eaten lunch.

not only will you spend more money than you planned,

but you will also buy things you don't need. like doughnuts. (funny, i resisted the first display, but the second display on the other side of the store, by the milk, caught me unprepared. and on sale, too.)

maybe i should've prayed for an extra measure of self-control of the Holy Spirit before i went in to kroger.

now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind.

2010-03-22T00:21:00.002-04:00

mumford & sons, from the album "sigh no more."

i've fallen in love with this album. i call it "the avett brothers meets quick said the bird." but this likening only works if you know both of those groups... and since one of them is my small (but mighty) collaborative musical effort, it might be rather unlikely that you know us. enough of that, though ... on to the lyrics:

the cave [listen here]

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

i tried (and failed) to give blood today.

2010-03-19T13:54:00.000-04:00

for the second time, no less.

the first time was in college, and it had been less than a year since getting tatted up. (yes, rachel bell has a tattoo. shocking. before you throw stones--or give me a rousing cheer of "bad---!"--i should tell you that it's the holiest tattoo that has ever existed. not only is it the words of JESUS, from the BIBLE, but i got it with my bible study leader while we were meeting for discipleship. before or since, there's never been as much sanctification happening in a tattoo chair than there was that day.)

but today, with all things go, my hemoglobin was too low. it needed to be 12.1, and it was 11.5. i even let them stick me twice to make sure. and even though i had been really nervous about it, in the end, i was just bummed. as i sat and waited for my friend to finish giving her ever-so-acceptable blood, i tried to figure out why i was so bummed.

i was there in the first place because i wanted to be some small part of giving someone life. this blood is a mysterious thing. it carries oxygen and nutrients and platelets and things i don't even remotely understand to keep all bodily systems running. it pumps and flows and rushes. it circulates. it replenishes itself, and adapts to heal wounds big and small. it never stops.

unless it does. unless there's a breach, and it bleeds out. and then it's lethal. if the wound is too great, the body can't restore itself, even after the wound is covered.

and the life-giving blood of another is required to rescue it.

i wanted it to be my blood, to have my life be the sustenance for another's. i was there in the first place because i wanted to be some small part of giving someone life.

i guess it's a good thing i can do that--on an eternal scale--without ever giving my blood. because the wound is too great, the breach is gaping, and our only hope for rescue is in the freely-given blood of Another. i hold the gospel salve in my hands. only, Jesus, teach me how to get it to them.

unless the seed is sown

2010-03-14T13:00:00.001-04:00

the flower in it never opens.

Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there my My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him." --john 12:23-26--

especially true for the hard-headed among us (read: especially true for me)

2010-03-13T20:19:00.000-05:00

experience: that most brutal of teachers. but you do learn.

--c. s. lewis--

procter

2010-03-08T23:34:00.002-05:00

i knew they would get me. they are in kenya this week. two years ago, they got me while in uganda. but this time i was ready. ready to sponsor again, that is. even as one blogger said this week, "how can i ask people to give until it hurts if i'm not giving until it hurts?" more aptly for me, how can i ask people to see the worth of the glory of God if it costs me nothing to proclaim it? i cannot tell you how much i love compassion international. i have the utmost respect for their mission and their methods, and i am filled with JOY at their stories of the Kingdom coming even now. i love compassion international. releasing children from poverty in Jesus' name. and releasing rachel bell from wealth in Jesus' name.

this is my joy, my very delight, and his name is procter. look at that face!!! such concentration. i love him already.

Procter Memba
Birthday:	June 15, 2003
Age:	6
Gender:	Male
Region:	Africa
Country:	Kenya
Program:	Musembe Child Development Center

Personal and Family Information:
Procter lives with his father and his mother. He is responsible for running errands. His father is sometimes employed as a farmer and his mother is sometimes employed as a farmer. There are 6 children in the family.

Playing ball games and playing group games are Procter's favorite activities. In primary school his performance is average and he also regularly attends church activities.

Because of your sponsorship, Procter will have new opportunities to learn and grow physically, mentally, and spiritually. Thank you for your concern and prayers.

procter, i can't wait to introduce you to jacquline!

find your joy, your very delight. the call of God is on you to love His children. obey Him until it hurts, and the world will begin to see that He is worthy of our everything.

(the link will take you to the search page for a child to sponsor. i would encourage you to search by "longest waiting." you will see the children who have been waiting more than 6 months for a sponsor, like procter was. i'm sorry, little man, that it took me so long.)

simple, not easy.

2010-03-07T00:44:00.000-05:00

from the end of the earth i call to you when my heart is faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than i.

--psalm 61:2--

simple, if i am not too proud. not easy, if i am.

election and evangelism

2010-03-01T10:02:00.000-05:00

the lack of a biblical view of election can destroy a believer's ability to practice effective evangelism. such a believer is convinced that it is his job to do the actual saving, and he despairs when he realizes how much of a stumbling block the gospel can be to those who are currently perishing. if such a believer is convinced of the extreme weight that his specific words and actions carry while speaking with unbelievers, his conviction to speak the truth boldly will wither for the fear of inciting a negative reaction.

what freedom comes for evangelism when understood in light of election! praise be to God that it is not my responsibility, and even less is it my ability, to complete the work of salvation! all i may do (and it is no small task) is to preach faithfully the good news of Christ's great work for a sinner's great need. all i may do is to live a life worthy of the gospel by which i have been saved. this will mean that i do not, by my overzealous judgment or inconsistent behavior, put an unnecessary stumbling block in the path of the perishing around me, but neither do i refrain from giving them the whole, undiluted, bone-crushing truth of the gospel.

clumsy

2010-02-24T15:16:00.001-05:00

i am really clumsy.

today, for example, as i was reaching for my phone, i knocked over my mug of coffee. it went e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e..... i sat back, inwardly groaning at the instantaneous mess, and sighed. if you had been sitting at my kitchen table with me at that moment, i would've turned to you, shut my eyes, furrowed my brow, and said, "i'm gonna need a minute."

i do this kind of thing quite frequently. if i'm focused on something else (in this case, reading an article on my laptop), i don't give my full attention to the fact that there's a full coffee mug between my phone and my hand. if i'm running late, i make such haste that i don't take the time to situate something (or myself) properly and it all falls apart.

the one that always gets me is when i'm carrying stuff in from the car. one trip, daggunnit. imma do this all at once if it kills me.

then i arrive at my front porch, bags ripping and falling out of my hands, purse dragging on the ground, keys nowhere to be found. one time i dropped the lid to a metal stockpot at the top of my (also metal) stairs. at 11 pm, the entire complex was rattled by the "clang-clang-clickety-clang-clang-claa-a-a-a-a-a-annnng." smooth.

----

i was reading an article about the slow process of spiritual discipline when i spilled my coffee today. and once i had stripped the table, started the washing machine, and wiped down every coffee-splattered surface, i started thinking about my pervasive clumsiness. in the very moment that i'm thinking about patience and endurance in discipline, about being diligent and full of care in sanctification, the simple act of answering the phone betrays just how little patience and care i practice regularly. if i don't have the patience to make two trips to the car, how much less patient am i with the slow and grueling process of spiritual growth?

there isn't one single way that i have been changed by the Spirit of Christ that isn't profound. He has reached into the far recesses of my soul and slowly pulled out glob after glob of sin-polluted gunk. His word has washed the dust and dirt from the crevices of my mind where i had trusted in earthly, passing things. with each bit of de-gunkifying i have become a different person; i am profoundly different because of the work of Christ in me. every moment, every thought, every action, every word, every choice, every purchase, every phone call, every day off is something very much other than what it would have been if my own will ruled over me. we're talking comprehensive overhaul.

but every bit of it required careful, intentional, diligent, patient striving after God. it took assiduous introspection. sedulous study of scripture. implacable meditation on the gospel.

which means that, obviously, it was all by the grace of God.

because i am clumsy. impatient. careless. lazy. foolish. and if i needed a reminder, behold: it's a puddle of coffee all over the floor.

i like it when the bible makes me laugh.

2010-02-21T00:35:00.001-05:00

...but only because i am caught red-handed by it.

today's chuckle-bearing scripture-whipping was from isaiah twenty-eight.

"and now do not carry on as scoffers, or your fetters will be made stronger."

a couple of weeks ago, i shared with my community group that i had been experiencing a recent episode of conviction over my attitude toward sin; specifically, i had begun to notice that i have a seemingly innate desire to laugh at sin. i make a joke over it. i treat it with sarcasm or silliness. my sin, sin in the world, sin of others in my life ... i try to lighten the weight of all this sin with simple triviality. when a friend tells me a tale of their destructive behavior, which so clearly is the outward manifestation of an inward turmoil, i join them in having a good laugh over it. and when i share my own turmoils with trusted friends, even those friends who will faithfully administer the gospel salve to my gaping wounds, i try to ease the blow of confession with sarcasm.

do not be fooled, rachel. God cannot be mocked; a man reaps what he has sown.

tonight i am asking for stronger fetters. it is a dangerous request, but i entreat the Lord in utter solemnity. i know ... deeply, i know that i need tighter fetters. i do not welcome the raw flesh they will inflict upon me, but the reward is more than worth the injury.

the earth is broken asunder,
the earth is split through,
the earth is shaken violently,
the earth reels to and fro like a drunkard
and it totters like a shack,
for its transgression is heavy upon it,
and it will fall, never to rise again.

but when the earth experiences Your judgments,
the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.

isaiah twenty-four : nineteen and twenty; twenty-six : nine

let me be bound by the fetters of Your judgment, for only then will i be bound for righteousness.

vapor

2010-02-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

yesterday, i was reminded by events in the lives around me that life is a vapor. i had forgotten, momentarily; i had been seduced by the joys and pains of these moments and had become unmindful of the joys and pains of eternity.

this morning i woke up, i made a cup of coffee, and i wrote this poem. perhaps it will become a song someday, though i am not often brimming with creative melodies. not that my lyrics are much above mediocre, either ... my aspirations exceed my abilities, i know this full well. nevertheless, i digress.

Father Time played his trick on me again.
Seemed I'd found a happy dwelling and I started digging in.
But the Earth, it quaked and rumbled, dancing 'round its daily spin--
Father Time, he stole my days from me again,
Father Time, he plays a game I'll never win.

Mother Goose told me tales to make me yearn.
I was happy 'nough before, but still she knew I had to learn
That the happy-ever-after wouldn't make it to my turn.
Mother Goose told fairy tales to make me yearn,
Mother Goose gave me alonely, not the cure.

Brotherhood dulled the sting of passing through.
My companion did the good and bad as only he could do.
Now I miss those golden moments, but it helps that he does too.
Brotherhood dulled the sting because he knew,
Brotherhood, my fellow man, he struggles too.

Sister Friend left her mark upon my soul,
Held my hand as cru-el enemies brought nights as black as coal.
Sister proved her steadfast love, she stayed as long as River rolled,
But Sister Friend, bless her soul, she didn't know
That Sister Friend, still even she would have to go.

Life is but a string of days and nights in line.
At setting sun we still believe we'll see it rising one more time,
For tomorrow isn't promised, yet I drink as if it's mine.
Then I'm gone, just like a bell that's sung its chime.
The silent shell without a song stands as a sign.

Father God has set eternity in man,
Yet He has made us out of dust, and so we cling to dropping sand.
Holy Spirit sings a song of hope: we can be born again,
For Brother Christ defeated death with willing hands.
Our Brother Christ delivered us to promised land.
Brother Christ, He gives us life that never ends.

sanctification

2010-02-17T22:42:00.000-05:00

sometimes in the middle of a particularly grueling bout of sanctification, i like to yell at God, "why won't You just leave me alone!?!!?"

sometimes after a particularly grueling bout of sanctification, i like to say to God, "thank You for not leaving me alone."

available

2010-02-15T19:17:00.000-05:00

it has a lot of meanings in our society. he's available: he's on the market, single and ready to mingle. there is a one o'clock slot available: there's an appointment open for you. i'm going to have a new availability in two weeks: the hours you can schedule me to work are going to change.

but no matter the situation, 'available' means nothing until it is claimed as your own. there is infinite potential--it could be for a relationship, a hair cut, or a full time job. but until you take action, put your name on it, or show up for a shift, available doesn't make a single difference in your life.

God's readiness to give and forgive is now public. salvation is available for everyone! we're being shown how to turn our backs on a godless, indulgent life, and how to take on a God-filled, God-honoring life. this new life is starting right now, and is whetting our appetites for the glorious day when our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, appears. He offered Himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people He can be proud of, energetic in goodness. titus two : eleven to fourteen

and not just that ... but sanctification is available for everyone as well. whenever someone asks me, "how do you know the Bible so well? how can you remember scripture and know when to speak it?" as if i have some special training in scripture-spewing. no, i have claimed it. it is mine. it is my daily bread. it is the best teacher i can have. it is Jesus without His flesh on (He was the Word made flesh). it is the mysteries of God made known to us (read first corinthians two). it is the mind of God made available to us through the teaching of His Spirit.

we have all we need for salvation in the work of Christ on the cross. and we have all we need for sanctification in the proclamation of Christ in all of scripture. if we so freely partake of the gift of salvation as it is made available to us, then why should we not as freely partake in the gift of sanctification? it is here, it is for everyone, it is yours for the taking.

grab a hold.

adventures in baking: apple blueberry bran muffins

2010-02-10T22:47:00.001-05:00

i don't know why it never occurred to me before today, but i love the culinary arts. i'm not abnormally talented in the kitchen, and i certainly don't have any special training (excluding my awesome grandmother), but i'm nearly always game for one cooking adventure or another, and more often than not, i am pleasantly surprised with the quality of the results.

today's adventure was FLAX SEED!! recently, several different friends shared an article on my google reader which gave ten suggested foods to add to your diet for better health. among them were apples, blueberries, and flax seed. now, i make a mean apple pie, and my banana bread is known for having blueberry surprise tucked inside, but i've never ever ever used flax seed. this week, i learned (from the aforementioned article) that "Flaxseed has been used for centuries for medicinal and health reasons. The seeds contain Omega-3 and -6 essential fatty acids that help reduce inflammation and strengthen cell health. It has nutritional value, very usable protein, healthy fatty acids, and minerals like magnesium, potassium, and zinc. Flaxseed is also a rich source of fiber." today, when i bought some milled flax seed, i also learned that it is naturally gluten free, which makes it a perfect fiber-booster for GF diets.

so i embarked on my first bran muffin adventure, as follows.

ingredients:

1/3 cup milled flax seed
1 1/3 cup flour (substitutes: 1/2 whole wheat and 1/2 white, or a gluten-free baking mix or rice flour)
1/2 cup oats
2/3 cup sugar
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
two eggs
1 tsp. almond extract (or vanilla)
1 1/2 cup finely chopped apples (i used my apple corer/peeler/slicer, then diced them even more)
1/2 or 2/3 cup fresh blueberries, rinsed
3 tsp. coconut oil, melted (or vegetable oil)
2/3 cup milk

preheat oven to 400* (350 for dark/nonstick). blend dry ingredients in medium bowl. in separate bowl, blend eggs, milk, almond extract, and oil. if using coconut oil, add last, as the cold milk and eggs will solidify it a bit. stir in dry ingredients; batter will be a little thick. fold in apples until well blended, then blueberries until just blended. spoon into well-greased muffin pan, about 2/3 full. don't overfill; these won't rise very much, so you don't want the tops to overflow. it'll look like a bad 80's haircut (the flat top). if desired, sprinkle tops lightly with raw or brown sugar, or drizzle tops with honey. bake for 18-20 minutes, until top springs back up when pressed. allow to cool completely before removing from the pan; the super-wet blueberries compromise the integrity of the muffin structure, especially while they're still hot.

yield: about 16-18 muffins.

here's a fun fact about flax seed: it can be used as a fat or egg substitute in a lot of recipes. 3 tbs. of flax seed can replace 1 tbs. of fat or oil, and if you mix 1 tbs. of flax seed with 3 tbs. of water, that equals one egg. good fats, no cholesterol, and more fiber!!

hot from the oven

can you guess which color is my favorite?

beware the blueberries that make the edges crumble while they're hot!

together

2010-01-13T13:33:00.004-05:00

there is no conflict in isolation, but neither is there confluence. we're better together.

i'm thankful for the community that regularly kicks my butt when i'm out of line, that picks me up when i'm stuck in the mud, that helps me climb ladders onto roofs just so i can see the view, that doesn't laugh at me when i'm scared of climbing down, that inspires and ignites new passions in me, that feeds and grows off of my existing ones, that includes me in the family, that lets me sing and laugh at the top of my lungs, that calls me in and brings me home.

without them, i'm just a lone violin. together, we are a symphony. or, more accurately, an atmospheric folk orchestra. i love them; and even more, i love us.

there is no conflict in isolation, but neither is there confluence. we're better together.

photos by jon earley.

we're not doing anyone any good.

2009-12-30T11:24:00.003-05:00

overheard online today:

I ask people in member interviews, "Tell me about your relationship with unbelievers." And almost constantly, I hear, "I don't necessarily try to preach the gospel all the time. I just want my life to be my testimony. I just want to share my life with people." You know what, y'all? Our lives are a mess! And when we share our lives with people--without sharing the grace of God that rescues us--we're not doing anybody any good. We're not!

--Mike Cosper, Sojourn Community Church, December 27 2009--

oh, what great joy and freedom we have, that the work of redemption is not something we must do, but something which we can partake of. that's good news.

christmas evening thoughts

2009-12-26T00:21:00.005-05:00

i really love giving gifts. specifically, i really love giving the right gift ... i really love it when i know someone well enough to give them the perfect gift--something they don't already have, something they wouldn't think to get for themselves, but something that they now can't imagine not having.

the problem of being a gift-giving-lover is that i often end up giving a LOT more gifts than i receive. that isn't necessarily a problem, but it creates a situation that reveals a problem in my heart: jealousy, a sense of entitlement, and material idolatry.

i prepare myself for it every year -- because, caught unaware, these little attitude problems become even uglier. but they are irrepressible, even if i'm the only one who knows it.

it starts with counting the boxes. then it moves on to comparing the value (monetary and sentimental) of the gifts i've given with the gifts i've received. soon i have a sinking feeling, a true knot in the pit of my stomach, a mixture of feeling unloved and unknown, feeling like i deserve something more, and then, of course, feeling appalled at such self-centered pride.

their gifts from me were so carefully and thoughtfully selected, because i love them. their joy in opening their gift gave me joy, too. the time and energy and money was totally worth it. why do i suddenly feel so empty, then, when the sentiment isn't returned?

i want to be loved, cherished, known. i want to be known. i want to be cared for. i want to be worth it.

there is an almighty God, creator of the heavens and the earth and all that they contain, Who became flesh and bone, Who released His hold on His rights as God, so that He could know, really and truely and honestly know what it is to be human ... to be me. He gave up everything He was, everything He had, to be born a baby, so that He could know me, and you, and us ... so that He could be with us.

there is no more perfect, or costly, or desperately needed gift to be found on this--and all--Christmas days.

and now here i am. may i live in such a way that i return the sentiment. and may He know my love is real even when i don't.

withdrawn

2009-12-21T22:14:00.002-05:00

the other day i was talking with a good friend and co-worker about the ways that sin still manifests itself in our lives. which it does, much as i'd like to pretend it doesn't.

i'm a community-lover. ENFP, energized by being around people. i feel inspired and alive when i'm interacting with other people, most especially those with whom i am similarly impassioned.

but in my rebellion against God and His ways (which, in my life, is characterized by stubbornness and control-freak-ish-ness), i work myself into a frenzy trying to sqeeze too much stuff into too few hours. i take on more than i can possibly do, nevermind what i could do well, and i find myself over-stimulated and overwhelmed.

so i withdraw.

fall back. buckle under pressure. isolate. depress.

instead of seeking first the source of life, i block out as many voices as possible (including God's) and try to forcibly stop the barrage. i don't return phone calls or emails. i don't communicate in a timely fashion with the people who need to know. i cancel plans. i don't show up. and i quit praying, reading, dwelling, worshipping. rebellion by apathy and laziness.

but what sucks is that even though it's quieter, it's not any more peaceful. my soul is not at rest. i still feel the pressure and the pull. i still can't manage.

it's because withdrawal is not the same as rest. withdrawn means "removed from circulation, removed from contact." it's like a foot that's fallen asleep: useless, numb, disconnected. when i remove myself from circulation, i may not have as much input to deal with, but i'm also not going to live very long. what good is it to have respite from the pressures of life if it makes you completely numb? i become ineffective and useless, a dead weight.

yes, i am overcommitted. yes, i have a problem with squandering my time. but the solution is not just to quit and withdraw, to disconnect myself from the time-suckers. the answer is to prioritize better, and to choose actively the things that are worthy of my attention and investment, the things that are life-giving and God-glorifying, and to actively reject the things which are not.

but only to withdraw is simply more rebellion. it's not living.

2009-11-09T17:21:00.002-05:00

i'm not exactly a huge fan of the prosperity gospel. in fact, i really quite abhor it. but i also relish the blessings of God when they come upon me ... and the other day, i realized that while the prosperity gospel isn't true, it is true that blessing follows obedience ... because the blessing is in the obedience.

so the prosperity gospel says, "have a big enough faith, do big enough good works, and you will earn the favor of God, and He will bless you richly in return."

essentially, it's the attitude of, if i obey God, it will earn the the riches of a prosperous life. God will give me what is due to me because of my good behavior.

definitely not true. love, blessings, grace, favor ... all unconditional with God.

but here is the truth: God's way is good. God's way is true. God knows more about the human condition than even we who are bound by it: He created it. God's commands are full of wisdom and gracious truth for us; He sees the big picture. so in any circumstance of this life, God already knows and understands it more than we ever could. His comprehension of the most intimate details of our troubled situations is profound.

so when we follow in His way, when we are obedient to His commands, it will go well for us. we are walking in God's way, the way of truth and goodness and love and reconciliation and redemption and salvation and unity and peace and glory and grace. if we obey Him, we will see all of those things come to fruition in our lives, eternally and even occasionally on earth. the Kingdom is coming, and the Kingdom is here.

the blessing is in the obedience. We are blessed, not because we've earned it with legalism, not because our faith was be enough and we're getting the reward due to us for such a faith, but because we are lving God's way, in God's Kingdom, and God is completely GOOD ... how could it possibly go poorly for us, then? It may not be the health, wealth, or prosperity blessing that some seek after as their highest good, but it will be even better. God is giving us Himself, for eternity, when we go His way.

We are going God's way, and it will go well.

and what is more beautiful than redemption?

2009-09-16T14:31:00.004-04:00

beauty itself is the language to which we have no key; it is the mute cipher, the cryptogram, the uncracked, unbroken code.

--annie dillard, pilgrim at tinker creek--

quick said the bird

2009-08-28T16:22:00.003-04:00

as in, the amazing and talented group of friends with whom i have the pleasure of playing with on a regular basis (yes, my band).

Quick Said the Bird - The Advocate from Andy J Miller on Vimeo.

it's about 20 minutes, and it's our regular full set minus one song. check it.

a question.

2009-08-12T20:31:00.002-04:00

how is it that i can care so much about things that are of so little consequence?

the things that really matter to me profoundly, on a permanent and eternal level, get only as much (or less!) devotion and attention than the things that are impermanent and utterly temporary. and worse yet, i will spend so much time and energy on things that are draining and nearly soul-sucking, but will give only the 'leftover' time to the things that are life-giving and spiritually energizing.

i think it has something to do with buying into lies ...

i need to start taking some thoughts captive and putting them into obedience under Christ. i need to stop the lies in their tracks and replace them with truth. and i think i need to start taking my schedule captive and putting it into obedience under Christ.

any advice?

there is more, more than all this pain.

2009-07-28T14:39:00.002-04:00

andrew peterson's album "the far country" has been on continuous and heavy rotation in my car's cd player. it is a very road-worthy album, after all. with or without the shuffle.

this sunday i shared some of the lyrics from the final track, "more" with the congregation before worship. and i hope to play it for them some day, too. so this morning i tried to learn it. but i couldn't find the chords anywhere online.

so here they are, for posterity's sake: the chords for andrew peterson's more. someone more ambitious than i can tab out the picking, but if you play these chords in some formation, you can prety well figure it out :)

Capo 2 (play in C, sounds in D)

Intro: | C - - - | F - - - | Am - G - | F - - - |

C F

This is not the end here at this grave

Am G F
This is just a hole that someone made
C F

Every hole was made to fill
G Em F C

And every heart can feel it still
C F

Our nature hates a vacuum

This is not the hardest part of all
This is just the seed that has to fall
All our lives we till the ground
Until we lay our sorrows down
And watch the sky for rain

C G
There is more, More than all this pain
E7 Am

More than all the falling down
C F

And the getting up again
C G

There is more, More than we can see
E7 Am

From our tiny vantage point
C F

In this vast eternity
C (Intro)

There is more

A thing resounds when it rings true
Ringing all the bells inside of you
Like a golden sky on a summer eve
Your heart is tugging at your sleeve
And you cannot say why
There must be more

(Intro)

There is more
More than we can stand
Standing in the glory
Of a love that never ends
There is more
More than we can guess
More and more, forever more
And not a second less

There is more than what the naked eye can see
Clothing all our days with mystery
Watching over everything
Wilder than our wildest dreams
Could ever dream to be
There is more

well, the secret o' life

2009-06-15T00:02:00.003-04:00

...is enjoying the passage of time.

thank you, james. but for me, the secret is something of a practice in sustainablity. and quite honestly, i kind of suck at it. i seem to be constantly caught in the cycle of starting strong, then taking on a little too much, then starting to lose steam, then getting overwhelmed, then freaking out or melting down, then quitting entirely, then picking up the pieces to start fresh and strong. this whole cycle can happen in five minutes or five years ... or both. over-committment is a chronic problem for me, and even though i know i need to stop, i somehow always get suckered into it unwittingly.

in some ways, it's as if i'm waiting for something huge to happen so that i'll be forced to stop this craziness. but the problem with that is that i am somehow already 24 years old, and i'm not even sure how that happened. if i wait too much longer, i'll blink, and my life will have gone with nary a change for the better.

so what's the deal? what's the fix? what's the catalyst? how do i get to the other side, where life runs at a sustainable pace and i'm not pouring the sanity out of my head faster than the coffee flows at starbucks?

i could change jobs. i could change finances. i could regulate my housekeeping. i could keep a stricter calendar and limit the infringments. i could make rules about sleeping and eating and working and socializing. i could curb bad habits and perforce form good ones.

but i've tried all that. and it doesn't sustain.

see, i already know the solution to my problem, i just [still] suck at living it out: the only life that is sustainable is the life that is sustained by its Creator.

moment by moment, day by day, week by month by year by life by eternity. because that's the truth of it, isn't it? if every decision were made in light of eternity, every moment lived in light of eternity, i wouldn't have any of this sustainable-pace-of-life problem. if i weren't filled with the pride of self-sustenance, i would be humble enough to receive the life-giving provision of God.

well, it's a good thing that nothing is beyond redemption. apparently i'm still very much in need ....

o Lord, that you would renew my mind, and captivate my heart, and cleanse me within, and be all my vision and all my hope and all my strength, and teach me Your ways, and lavish me with love, and put my faith to works, and grant me a greater measure of faith, and open Your hand to satisfy and sustain, and save me by grace, and sanctify me by grace, and abide in me as i in You, and reveal all the hidden secrets of You, and grant me a measure of wisdom, and sustain me, Lord. sustain me with Your great love.

man, this is GOOD

2009-06-05T02:15:00.003-04:00

that thought overwhelmed me today as i traversed the state of indiana (long-ways) and listened to andrew peterson's "behold the lamb of god" cd. yes, the album is good, but what was thinking of was the gospel.

it's so good. such good news. amazingly good. unbelievably good. in fact, it's the best ever. nothing so good could ever happen in my life that it would be better than the goodness of Jesus.

behold the Lamb of God
who takes away our sin
behold the Lamb of God
the life and light of man
behold the Lamb of God
who died and rose again
behold the Lamb of God
who comes to take away our sin.

nothing tonight that is 'profound' or 'groundbreaking' ... just good and true. behold; the Lamb of God ... behold ...

my mind may fail me, and probably will long before i have the good excuse of old age. but if i must know anything, it would be good for me to remember that i am a great sinner and Christ is a great savior.

be not mis-taken:

2009-06-01T14:34:00.003-04:00

the only mistake for which a man is unequivocally required to pay is the mistake of refusing Christ. if he finds himself paying for any other mistake, it is by his own choice, not by requirement. but if he is forced to pay for the lone and grievous one of refusing pardon, oh what a price it is that he will pay.

exposed.

2009-05-31T03:49:00.000-04:00

my rebellious bent is really quite profound.

yep, i adopted a new format for my blog. the number one reason? a bunch of my friends had picked the same theme. and i am a stickler when it comes to being unique.

so i picked a theme that had the MOST options to change. background colors, font colors, link colors, font type and size, border color .... etc. so now i can rest assured that, although it may be similar to another, it's no longer identical.

my stubborn streak runs deep.

i will be the anomaly. i will be the superlative.

knowing how stubborn and rebellious i am, let's just be honest about something: legalism wasn't such a horrible thing for me. i mean, yeah, i didn't like authority and i didn't like the rules ... so it was one of the only ways to keep me in check. it gave me credibility, a kind of righteousness. you know, the self- kind.

and then a funny little thing happened. just as it does with anything it encounters, the unfathomable depths of God's grace wrecked my legalism all to hell. propriety was out the window. judgmental people were now so clearly below my esteemed heights of grace, i was 'free' to do as i pleased.

no more plagues of a guilty conscience. no longer a slave to the opinions of my peers.

but no more happy than before.

this is the no-mans-land between legalism and holy desire. this is the desert of forty years duress where we are stripped of self-righteous legalism but also of self-preserving freedom and self-promoting pride. this is land where every ounce of character and fortitude is laid bare for all to see. where is the strength of faith to be found? only one source can conquer such a place and lead us out still whole.

i came to see that salvation was by grace alone, and this released me from legalism. but now it is time to see that even sanctification is by grace alone, and so be released from indulgent freedom. for He is the author of our faith, and He is the perfecter of our faith. i am not any longer a naughty child in need of a spanking to induce legal obedience. but i am a weary sojourner in need of the fiery desire that induces reckless pursuit. my endurance has proven weak and my fortitude small and my character meager, for they were built on the crumbling foundations of a self-made 'good christian life.' but there is yet hope. the old house was built in vain; but it is the Lord who builds anew. and what He builds will not quickly fall.

so for now i'll learn to walk (ever forward) through this strange land between legalism and holy desire, being diligent not just to meet the requirements, but also to serve the heart of the One who authored them for me in His infinite love and wisdom, even to bring me nearer to Himself.

truth that is truth is easy to find.

2009-05-26T00:17:00.003-04:00

half-price books is a great delight of mine. today, after taking glorious and guiltless advantage of their 20%-off-everything-memorial-day-sale, i exclaimed to christopher that they have utterly RUINED me for the regular bookstore. from this time on and henceforth forever more, never shall i be found paying $14.95 for that particular paperback i've been eyeing. oh what wondrous joy is to be found in their isles!

today, for example, i acquired: a gensis CD, a jeff buckley CD, three annie dillard books, a bob dylan documentary, "the elephant," "stranger than fiction," and "until the devil knows you're dead" ... for $40.

what a glorious day today!

so tonight, i reheated some delicious leftover chicken casserole and popped in "stranger than fiction."

i came to a stunning realization. (stunning to me, anyway.)

the beauty of the gospel can be found everywhere, BECAUSE it is true. it is no contrived effort of human imagination. it is true, and as such, it is everywhere...

in the past, whenever the theme of some work seems to have echos of biblical proportions, my first thought is, "this writer must be a covert christian with a subtle evangelistic bent. i will google their bio to find out more."

but today, as i watched a story unfold with erie whispers of the goodness of Christ, i began to wonder if maybe this perfectly arranged tale of willing self-sacrifice was not so much arranged but actually intuited. maybe the storyteller is so naturally drawn to that story because even the frailest of human hearts was created to hear it.

maybe the screenwriter has stumbled so perfectly into a biblical allegory only because of the vibrant truth that such an allegory upholds.

in the end, is it not so that truth (if it be truth) should be found everywhere?

and so harold crick goes willingly to his death, knowing how and when and why, forsaking his own (and new found) good life, so that the life of another be spared and so that the good and perfect will of his author be fulfilled. and once the work is accomplished by his compliance, the author resurrects him, so as to write a completely new and better story.

i mean, really?! it's a wonder God's not suing for plagiarism of original intellectual material. i guess it's a good thing that the truth is public domain, right derek? that means we can find it everywhere ... even those of us who aren't even looking for it.

it beats in our veins. it arises in our thoughts. it takes over our literature, music, and movies. it's truth. it's inescapable.

i wouldn't have it any other way.

i do not nullify the grace of God.

2009-05-17T21:39:00.004-04:00

when it comes down to the question of the might of the Lord, i will always choose the way that makes Him mightier.

even if it means that the reach of my own arm or the potency of my own freewill is diminished. even if it means that there will be parts of God's character that i just don't understand. even if means that the fall (and subsequent redemption) were not plan B, but God's original intent.

i will not follow a God who's power is no greater than mine. i will not follow a God who has been made in my image, made to my liking.

even if means being called out on my own faults. even if it means feeling awkward and embarrassed by conviction. even if it means coming face-t0-face with my utter inability.

because as soon as my God is small,
then my self-righteousness becomes BIG.

and what's the point of Jesus' death if i'm sufficient within myself? why did God offer His Son in my stead if i didn't really need it? if i am inherently good, and only my circumstances and society have corrupted me, then it's not really my fault, is it?

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God; for if justification were through the law, then Christ died to no purpose.

we MUST continually elevate our view of God. this is of dire importance in the church. today, as i pleaded with my fellow believers to increase their view of God, i realized just how pathetically we cling to our control--which is little more than a temporary illusion, anyway. God desires us to have a WHOLE REVELATION of HIMSELF. that is our GREATEST good. and in order to have a whole revelation, we must know that He loves us when we are good and obedient, AND He loves us when we are not. God shows His love for us, in that while we were STILL SINNERS, still sinning, Christ died for us.

do not forsake the judgment of the old testament, because the message of salvation in the new testament means nothing without it. brothers, sisters, do not hide your pervasive sin. do not deny your ruining fall. do not ignore your profound corruption. for without it, you will miss the full revelation of God's nature and His work in your life.

this is the message that we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. if we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. if we say we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. if we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. if we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.

*galatians 2, romans 5, 1 john 1

we're not making any progress.

2009-05-07T15:49:00.006-04:00

bumper stickers fascinate me. i don't like tailgating people (or being tailgated, for that matter), but if you have colorful and pithy phrases affixed to the back of your car, i'm probably going to be closer than comfortable just for the sake of my own curiosity.

yesterday, while driving to work, i was delighted to spot an unfamiliar sticker on the bumper in front of me. as we approached the stoplight, i got up close enough to read:

when the power of love
overcomes the love of power
the world will know peace.

as i pulled up next to the sticker's owner, i wondered ...

...does he really believe that is possible?

i wanted to roll down my window and ask him, "so, do you think that some day the power of love really will overcome the love of power? do you think that we as humans are capable of reaching that point? do you think that you can do it individually? but what about everyone else? will there ever be a day when every human on the planet individually overcomes their own selfish desires, willfully and completely?"

see, i'm not a skeptic or a pessimist. but i am a realist. and the reality is, we're only getting worse. if true world peace were possible for us to achieve on our own, i think it would've happened before today. the population of the earth is only increasing, there are only more people and wars and genocides and altercations and standoffs and enslavements and abuses and evils to be reconciled.

we're not making any progress.

people have been trying for hundrends, maybe even thousands of years to make the world play nice and get along.

it's
not
working.

hmm. i wonder .... i wonder if there is a reason why.

perhaps it is because the only hope we have is not found within ourselves. perhaps it is because peace itself is a miracle, a divine work of Providence. perhaps it is because if i could fix it myself, i wouldn't know my own brokenness.

we can't do this alone.
we can't even do this together.
we can't afford to keep wasting our time trying and failing.

my flesh and my heart may fail,
but You are the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
for, behold, those who are far from You will perish,
You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You.
but as for me, the nearness of God is my good.
i have made the Lord God my refuge.

it may be pithy, and a little less 'inspirational,' but there's another bumper sticker that speaks a better word, a truer hope:

no Jesus, no peace.
know Jesus, know peace.

talk is cheap, but at what price?

2009-05-04T12:02:00.003-04:00

i logged in to my AT&T account to check my bill for this month, and as i browsed the site, i made a startling discovery.

during the most recent one-month billing cycle, i made and received 270 phone calls, totaling 1746 minutes. not including 220 text messages. that means i spent 29.1 hours on the phone. about one hour each day. about ten phone calls each day.

maybe that doesn't sound startling to you. but i make a concerted effort to not be chained to my phone. i purposely bought the cheapest and smallest plan (but recently had to upgrade...). i've always opted for the free or cheapest phone (but last time, bought a bluetooth that i used twice...). i really don't feel like i use the phone for an hour every day.

which leads me to wonder how much time i spent last month watching tv? or on facebook? or reading blogs in my google reader? or checking email?

what did i talk about for 29 hours last month? ... i can remember a few things, and i really hope i don't spend an hour every day doing that.

but i know what i DIDN'T do for an hour every day last month:

talk to Jesus. renew my mind with scripture. speak of the glorious riches of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

my AT&T bill reveals a lot of things: phone calls, text messages, MB of info sent & received, rollover minutes used and accumulated, taxes, discounts, overages, and fees. and now, apparently, it also reveals the condition of my heart and the idols of my culture i have worshipped with my time and attention.

and apparently, with just a little apathy, i've bought in to the temporary things of this world a whole lot more than i ever intended to. and they are wonderfully cheap ... but it's not a price i'm willing to pay.

a generous theodicy

2009-04-29T08:25:00.003-04:00

the⋅od⋅i⋅cy: a vindication of the divine attributes, particularly holiness or justice, in establishing or allowing the existence of physical and moral evil.

this morning, i nodded along vigorously as i read prodigal jon's post on theodicy. hardly a week ago, i was discussing the story of Job with some friends, and honestly, he just might have copied-and-pasted those words from my mouth.

God is the same. our circumstances don't change His nature. do we view God through our comfort level, or do we view our life situations through God's nature? and the GOOD that He promises to give us will not always feel good. His good is greater and more good for us and for Him and His glory than any kind of good we could dream up for ourselves. when life starts to suck, we need a perspective change, not a new God.

yeah, yes, right on, i could go on with this stuff all day long!!

and then i opened up to jeremiah.

you have been a harlot
therefore the rain has been withheld
there has been no spring rain
now you call to Me
'my Father, You are my Friend!
'will You be angry forever?'
you have spoken
and have done evil things,
and you have had your way.

repent and mourn
circumcise your hearts
or else My wrath will go forth like fire
and burn with none to quench it
because of the evil of your deeds.

besiegers will come from a far country
and lift their voices against the cities of Judah.
like watchmen of a field they are against her round about,
because she has rebelled against Me, declares the Lord.
your ways and your deeds
have brought these things to you.
this is your evil. how bitter!
how it has touched your heart!

My people are foolish,
they know Me not;
they are stupid children
and have no understanding.
they are shrewd to do evil,
but to do good they do not know.

we could take it right back to the farming analogy: we reap what we have sown.

sometimes, crappy things happen in and around our lives because of other people's sin. sometimes, it's just because this world is fallen and our enemy is still roaming about with power to do heinous things just for his sick pleasure. sometimes, difficult circumstances might actually be the design of the Divine, providentially provided to bring us the greatest good -- nearness to Him. but there are times -- not always, but there are -- when our crappy life circumstances are the direct result and consequence of our own sin and depravity.

which calls for brokenness and repentance ...

if you will return, O Israel, declares the Lord,
then you should return to Me.
and if you will put away your detested things from My presence,
and will not waver,
and you will swear, 'As the Lord lives,'
in truth, in justice and in righteousness;
then the nations will bless themselves in Him,
and in Him they will glory.

break up your fallow ground
do not sow among thorns.
circumcise yourselves to the Lord
and remove the foreskins of your heart,
men of Judah, people of Jerusalem.

a lion has gone up,
a destroyer of nations has set out;
he has gone from his place
to make your land a waste.
your cities will be ruined
without inhabitant.
for this, put on sackcloth,
lament and wail;
for the fierce anger of the Lord
has not turned back from us.

wash your heart form evil, O Jerusalem,
that you may be saved.

that
you
may
be
saved.

or, like Jesus said ...

bear fruit in keeping with repentance.

christians do a lot of crazy things in the face of difficulties. we cry out, 'woe is me! God has forsaken me!' we bolster our faith with pithy verses, 'God will not give me more than i can handle.' we run away. we give up. we press on out of sheer determination and force of will, with or without faith. we ignore our nagging doubts that trials have given cause to rise, or we indulge them to the point of apostasy. we allow jealousy to take root, coveting the 'easier' lives of others. we cling to the hope of the Kingdom of Heaven, where there will be no more tears.

but how often do we repent?

even Job repented, and i'm not entirely sure what his sin was.

except that he was human.

then Job answered the Lord and said,
"I know that You can do all things,
and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'
Therefore, I have declared that which I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know
Hear, now, and I will speak;
I will ask You, and You instruct me.
I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
but now my eye sees You;
therefore I retract,
and I repent in dust and ashes."

yeah, i don't necessarily have any conclusions on this. but it's a thought, nonetheless.

now let us bear fruit in keeping with repentance.

the hippopotamus

2009-04-26T23:13:00.002-04:00

by t. s. eliot, 1920

And when this epistle is read among you, cause that it be read also in the church of the Laodiceans.


THE BROAD-BACKED hippopotamus
Rests on his belly in the mud;
Although he seems so firm to us
He is merely flesh and blood.

Flesh and blood is weak and frail,	5
Susceptible to nervous shock;
While the True Church can never fail
For it is based upon a rock.

The hippo’s feeble steps may err
In compassing material ends,	10
While the True Church need never stir
To gather in its dividends.

The ’potamus can never reach
The mango on the mango-tree;
But fruits of pomegranate and peach	15
Refresh the Church from over sea.

At mating time the hippo’s voice
Betrays inflexions hoarse and odd,
But every week we hear rejoice
The Church, at being one with God.	20

The hippopotamus’s day
Is passed in sleep; at night he hunts;
God works in a mysterious way—
The Church can sleep and feed at once.

I saw the ’potamus take wing	25
Ascending from the damp savannas,
And quiring angels round him sing
The praise of God, in loud hosannas.

Blood of the Lamb shall wash him clean
And him shall heavenly arms enfold,	30
Among the saints he shall be seen
Performing on a harp of gold.

He shall be washed as white as snow,
By all the martyr’d virgins kist,
While the True Church remains below	35
Wrapt in the old miasmal mist.

hmmm. maybe chronic humanity isn't so bad.

oh, louisville. now you've got me good and mad ....

2009-04-19T00:32:00.002-04:00

so the week i moved in to my apartment just happened to be the same weekend of the St. James Art Fair. yes, for one whole weekend, thursday through sunday, our friendly neighborhood LMPD (louisville metro police department) blocks off several city blocks in the middle of old louisville (just south of downtown). there's a giant art festival, and vendors set up tents all along the streets that have been blocked off.

yes, right in front of HUNdreds of apartment buildings.

of course, my street was not blocked, but parking was prohibited. which means essentially the same thing.

but louisville, i forgave you for that. it was a small area, it was a long-standing tradition, it didn't make traffic bad, it just made it very difficult to find parking at my house where i LIVE. and you gave me a really shady ticket, which i never paid after mulitple attempts at logging the ticket number in online failed.

but tonight .... tonight, louisville, i think you and i are through with the niceties. you have put the nail in your coffin.

because of thunder.

that's right: thunder over louisville.

i just spent ALL day getting ready for and playing in and celebrating the wedding of some good friends. at 10 pm, i get in my car and drive two hours to louisville. thunder has been over for awhile. the bridge is no longer blocked. so i proceed on my merry way, seeing the northbound lanes full of traffic but my southbound lane wide open. i see my exit. it's not full of cars. i pull into the exit lane.

BLOCKED. by a police SUV.

so i decide to take the next available exit. which is, of course, in the middle of a dense traffic jam.

i get off the exit, but all streets which normally go two ways are now ALL one-way southbound. since my FIRST exit, NORTH of my house, was blocked, i now am SOUTH of my house and i need to travel NORTH.

THERE ARE NO NORTHBOUND STREETS OPEN.

NONE.

after making a HUGE circle all the way around three sides of my block, and seeing my starbucks, i finally begin to make some progress up 4th street.

a mere 5 blocks up, it's blocked off.

i ask a nearby policeman if there are ANY northbound streets.

"no."

"so you're telling me there's NO WAY for me to get to my house at 4th and hill?"

"nope."

"for the next hour and a half?"

"yep."

wow. thanks for the help, you civil servant you.

then i hear something on his walkie talkie about some street being opened up for northbound traffic. i wait for him to inform me of this .... he just stares.

thunder over louisville has ushered in something new: my RAGE over louisville.

i would put MONEY on the fact that a good 1/3 of the cars stuck in traffic were meandering aimlessly (at a ridiculously slow pace) on roads they DIDN'T need to be congesting further just because all the roads were either blocked entirely or had become one-way southbound. if the roads had been allowed to keep their normal purpose, the people who were trying to leave downtown would be stuck in traffic. the people who had CHOSEN to go to the event would be reaping the consequences. instead, i sat in traffic for over an hour, i THINK i got rear-ended when i was trying to cross a street w/ no light and no traffic director and endless cross-traffic and a car behind me beeping endlessly, i couldn't find a parking spot by my house, and i had to carry my violin, guitar, and luggage from this weekend two blocks to my house. and i didn't even get to GO TO THUNDER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

i have NEVER in all my life seen a city handle such an event and such a traffic situation with such profound stupidity. not one bit of it made sense. unnecessary blockages and very confusing re-routing.

SOMEone, in SOME government office in louisville, IS going to have to deal with me and all my wrath. there is just no reason that thousands of people should be completely blocked from getting to THEIR OWN HOUSES. no reason whatsoever.

good friday, and all will be well

2009-04-10T15:04:00.002-04:00

most of the progress i have made in my life has been in fits and starts. consistency is a characteristic that i deeply desire and highly value in myself and in others, and yet the only thing consistent about me is that i'm not.

which means that today, as i remember the cross, as i cry out for deliverance, as i dwell in the darkness of this world ... there is room in me for the good news of Good Friday.

tell me, oh death, where is your sting? you may try to encircle me with the thorns of sin, but i have been set free today. the futility of this world is passing away. the encumbrance of my failure is passing away. the frustration of my inconsistency is passing away.

today.

follow Christ to the holy mountain
sinners sorry and wrecked by the fall
cleanse your heart and soul
in the fountain that flows
for you, and for me, and for all

at the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
on the beautiful, scandalous night, you and me
we're atoned by His blood and forever washed white
on the beautiful, scandalous night

some things never change.

2009-03-05T20:46:00.002-05:00

in fact, MOST things never change.

so i am grateful for grace that is inexhaustible. eternity has been ringing in my heart today, and i have a deep yearning to practice it even today. i desire to dwell ... dwell in the presence of God. rest. enjoy. not be such a frantic mess of a human being.

o, that You would still the unquenchable restlessness in my soul ...

sojourn

2009-01-12T10:12:00.004-05:00

i visited sojourn last night for the first time. it's a church that i heard a lot about when i first moved to louisville, but seeing as how my job is also my church, it's been a little difficult to make it a priority to visit other churches. last night, however, i had finally gotten to the point of realizing that it's definitely OK to seek out similarly-aged, similarly-minded people in a life stage similar to me. and it's been a little slow in the going thus far, so i figured it was time to expedite the process.

it was really, really, really nice.

it was kind of like coming home ... in terms of the building, the people, the music, the pastor, and the service, it really felt like common ground, which was my church home for 5 years. and i realized that, even though i really do LOVE my job and i LOVE the community at park place, it's not what i would pick for myself. ministry doesn't always let us be where we want to be. that's why it's called ministry ... it's not just for you. it's for you to minister for others. and i love that.

but it's OK to need to receive sometimes. it's OK to need to be able to sit in a congregation of people who love the Lord and sing praises with the band without having to BE the band and read liturgy with the pastor without having written it earlier in the week. it's OK to need to be able to sit a listen and receive teaching from the Word of God without worrying and thinking the whole time about how the closing song is going to go.

it's not that i don't love what i do -- because i love it! i love it so much ... but i'm not super-human. i'm not perfect. i'm not inexhaustible. i'm not self-filling.

and last night, i realized just HOW human, imperfect, exhausted, and empty i've let myself become. it was good to be in the presence of God in the Body of Christ with no expectations on me ... it was refreshing.

and i'm beginning to think i could love louisville.

of home and horizons.

2009-01-01T10:31:00.003-05:00

i'm discovering in this season of life that my horizons do not expand so much in leaps and bounds, like some monumental overhaul, but in inches and moments, in subtle changes that happen day by day. when i begin something new, the novelty soon wears away as i find my place and grow accustomed to my surroundings. and suddenly, without any apparent warning, my former life (which i had been, at one point, rather accustomed to) is like a foreign land. making a return trip is at once disappointing and releasing for me. of course there is the melancholy of realizing that the joys of that time are gone forever, but there is also the freedom it gives, allowing me to embrace the whole of my new life, with all of its joys and stresses and complexities.

it's true, you can't go home again. and that's why you build a new one.

break my heart.

2008-12-08T13:04:00.002-05:00

i'm not trying to be political. i'm not trying to legislate morality. i'm not trying to create a bunch of legalistic copies of my self. but this ... this makes me sick.

Indiana Planned Parenthood Covers Up Sexual Abuse of 13-year Old - video powered by Metacafe

unbelievable. i'm not, generally speaking, a big fan of abortion. i do, however, like to keep the specifics of my opinions on the subject under wraps. what is happening to the '13-year-old' girl in this video, though, is coercive. it's child abuse. it's totally devoid of true compassion and concern for her. what this girl needs is a counselor who will walk her through all the emotional issues she is facing at this juncture ... NOT a manipulative nurse with a personal agenda. this nurse is supposed to be someone she can TRUST to care for her -- physically and emotionally. what she gets instead is a careless, covert cover-up scheme.

i can't pretend to know what is the BEST way to handle a situation like this ... but i would think it would be obvious that this isn't even close to it.

toss me the life vest, would you? i'm kinda drowning here.

2008-10-24T03:56:00.005-04:00

i couldn't sleep tonight. my alarm is going off in five minutes, but i've been awake for the last hour and a half (yes, it's 4 am).

my thoughts, while i lay awake in the darkness, ran the gamut. confession and prayer, analyzing yesterday's conversations and planning potential ones for today, figuring out my schedule this week and two months from now, all my bills and budget, all the junk i have in my apartment that i want to get rid of, several changes i want to see happen in my life .... all these things were keeping me awake.

(my alarm just went off and it totally make me jump! wow.)

apparently i'm having some trouble with where the rubber meets the road in the whole "don't worry about tomorrow" thing. i can't STOP worrying about tomorrow. and today. and next year. even when i theoretically entrust it to God, i don't stop thinking about it.

and what i really think it comes down to, for me, is priorities.

i came unglued last night (sorry to all five people who called me during my unglued-ness .... i'm sure it wasn't pretty). and i think that 90% of the reason why i came unglued is because i don't KNOW God enough to know that i can trust Him. ok, this is what i mean: i know that, at some point in my life, i have known His character enough that i trusted Him at that time. but currently, in this state of affairs, i don't know Him intimately and i certainly don't trust Him. yet in my most miserable moments i want nothing more than to bring all my cares to Him ... just as i have always done. but how can i do that if i don't trust Him because i don't know Him?

my priorities are revealing the idolatry of my heart. i have not made it a priority to bind myself so closely to Jesus, to walk with Him devotedly, to love Him purely, to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth.

and so, of course, everything else is falling apart.

and the whole reason these thoughts are pouring out of me right now is because, while i couldn't sleep (so i was french braiding my hair), i saw a picture of my youthworks staff team from three years ago. that was a time of rich intimacy, a time of clearly hearing the Lord's voice, a time of deep prayer and true worship and total dependence and pure trust.

and i can barely believe it ever happened. i don't recognize myself anymore. probably because i look a lot more like rachel and a lot less like Jesus. and let me say: it hasn't been the most flattering look for me.

oh Lord ... could You change me from who i've been lately? i know i'm nothing without You.

i
need
You
Jesus.

i need my Savior.

failing at failure

2008-10-19T22:31:00.002-04:00

i do believe that it possible to fail well. failure doesn't have to be the final word on whether or not a venture was successful. this is a cognitive block for a lot of folks, myself included, but it's true nonetheless: failure is not necessarily the obliteration of success. it's all a matter of perspective; what i THOUGHT success would look like might not be the end result, but that doesn't mean that nothing successful was accomplished.

the bottom line is that God reigns. God reigns over all things. my car. politics. my job. the weather. life and death. money. poverty. starvation. destruction. growth. aging. desires and passions. depression. pain. suffering. joy. relationships. geography. every hair on my head. every breath that sustains my life. every blink of my eyes and every word of my tongue. every sound that i hear, every touch that i feel, every moment i live. every moment you live. every moment they live. God reigns.

and what He calls success often happens in the midst of what the world would call failure. so the question is: do i look at God through the world's perspective of my circumstances, or do i look at my circumstances and the world through God's perspective?

this is where i fail at failing. because when i 'fail' according to MY terms (which are aligned with the world), instead of embracing the opportunity for growth and intimacy with the God of all grace, i mull and wallow and burden myself with guilt and despair. whereas, if i were willing to take my pathetic failures and cast them before the all-able cross of Christ, i might see a phoenix rise from the ashes, more beautiful, more new, more wonderful, more successful than i ever could have imagined. or done on my own.

for it is only in the face of Christ that i can be victorious even while i am in the throes of utter defeat. it is only in the embrace of Christ that i can see success when i am plagued by chronic failure. it is only in the all-powerful reign of Christ that i see pure, true, beautiful GOOD come from the darkest, most corrupt places of my heart.

and if THAT doesn't throw me to my knees in wonder and adoration ...

... then i have really failed.

the lie.

2008-10-10T11:14:00.002-04:00

it is tantalizing. it feels right. it makes me smile and laugh. it gives me something to look forward to. it assuages my lonely and sorrowful spirit. it makes me feel just lovely.

it's not worth it.

anything temporary and fleeting, anything that is good for awhile but then is gone, anything that will change and fail and falter in what it does for me is not worthy to be compared to the eternal weight of glory that will fall upon my head and crush me to the ground.

but right now,
i'm not crushed.

and i'm having some trouble believing the trade-off.

the loveable loose cannon

2008-10-06T10:44:00.004-04:00

it's the most wonderful thing to be me.

it's the most wonderful thing to be the loose cannon, the failure, the frequent foot-in-mouther, the oddball, the one who is gun-shy and undisciplined, the one who let them down ...

... and still be wanted. still be loved.

there's just nothing like in the world.
thank you, my friends.

"but God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." --romans five:eight--

all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.

2008-10-05T22:51:00.003-04:00

The new day dawns,
And I am practicing my purpose once again.
It is fresh and it is fruitful if I win but if I lose,
Oooooo  I don’t know.
I will be tired but I will turn and I will go,
Only guessing til I get there then I’ll know,
Oh oh oh I will know.

All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that’s shining in my window as I write this song to you.
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true,
All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself,
All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.

The winter’s cold,
But the snow still lightly settles on the trees.
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know,
That all will be well.
Even though sometimes this is hard to tell,
And the fight is just as frustrating as hell
All will be well.

All the children walking home past the factories,
Could see the light that’s shining in my window as I write this song to you.
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself
All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.

Keep it up and don’t give up
And chase your dreams and you will find
All in time.

All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that’s shining in my window as I write this song to you.
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true,
All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself,
All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.

All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself,
All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.

You can ask me how but only time will tell.

--gabe dixon--

it's really kind of amazing.

2008-10-03T22:07:00.003-04:00

apparently i have turned around rather suddenly
and become something of the person i've wanted to be.

it didn't happen in an instant.
it didn't happen because i thought it out strategically.
it didn't happen because i tried really hard.

it actually was
an outpouring
from the overflow.

and now i know:

i can turn around on some unknown future day
and have become more of who i've wanted to be
not because i knew the exactly right way to do it
but because i walked by faith that only He could do it.

[if only these moment weren't so few and far between.]

wake me up when september ends?

2008-10-02T20:53:00.004-04:00

september FLEW by ... does anyone else feel like that's true?

i'm excited, though, because i am fantastically head-over-heels in love with the fall. and with the turn of the calendar, the weather has magically rounded the bend into fall, and seemingly over night, too.

transition. people have told me that we have 'transitional phases' in life. what happens when you feel like the previous two years have been one big long unending transitional phase? what if you feel like you don't want to be done transitioning, because you know this isn't your landing place? how can i be a temporarily permanent nomadic resident? see what i mean? gosh, it's hard. and i hate moving.

i have been brought to some incredibly interesting places recently. relationships are changing ... new ones forming, old new ones becoming deeper, formerly intimate ones becoming more distant with time-space and life-space and different habitations. it's bittersweet. make new friends, but keep the old ... one is silver and the other gold. it's hard to abide by the nursery rhyme in real life, though.

like i said yesterday, i'm getting used to louisville ... but i don't love it. yet. i suppose i could, eventually. and i'm definitely trying to keep an open mind about it, because if i expect it to suck, it definitely will. but i think what is hardest is learning how to find my residential identity as a louisvillian without being in college. butler did a great job of acclimating me to indy ... in spite of its bubble-i-ness. but i'm on my own here ... and i'm not surrounded by tons of other people my age who are also new and wanting to explore. and i do so much love to explore with other adventuring companions ... but alone, not so much. so venturing out to discover all the treasures that louisville has to offer has only been happening at a minimum.

here's a thought that has been on my mind since i got a pretend, free, e-harmony account. (yes, i know. i know. i'm not paying for it, so i can't even communicate with anyone .... for now, it's just an .... appetite supressant?) anyway. here's the thought: i am not the christian i used to be. i used to be mostly right-out-of-the-box, but a thinker at the same time. i thought very carefully about which box i came out of, and whether or not my box was missing some ingredients, or even had superfluous ingredients that i wouldn't need to put to use. but nonetheless, i was a cookie-cutter-christian.

now i'm much more loosey-goosey. not that anything goes (geez, how many cliches can i throw into one paragraph??), but i think that i'm realizing that sanctification goes completely outside of the box. i'm a freakin mess, dudes. i'm a walking disaster. and up until this point in my life, i don't think i've ever fully embraced that. what does it mean to know that my effed-up-ness ... and believe me, it's effed up ... is not beyond the saving and sanctifying hand of God? Lord, there IS none like You.

and e-harmony is reminding me of that, because the people i've been matched with would either think that i'm a really sucky christian if they actually met me, or they would think that i'm a crazy calvinist or something. i can't seem to find anyone, anywhere, who transparently embraces their own brokenness while straining for sanctification on a day-to-day basis in every relationship, conversation, thought, job, and moment. well, except for people who aren't christians ... they seem to know they need it more than those of us in the holy huddle do.

it's all a-jumble in my mind. i'm trying to sort it all out. i hope i get there soon.

but it's totally ok if i don't. i can still breathe.

true confessions.

2008-10-01T23:42:00.002-04:00

confession: i often start a blog post without knowing exactly what i'm going to say, but rather i start with an overwhelming need to express.

confession: i love music, but i am more passionate about other things. and it shows, especially to people who believe me to be a music guru or something.

confession: i am happy with some things in life right now. but in most things, i could definitely be a whole lot happier. and for some reason, knowing that but not knowing what to do about that has been really hard.

confession: i sometimes experience momentary jealousy of people who are amazing musicians. also, of people my age who are recently married/1st-time-parents, and of people my age who have really cool, creative, successful careers.

confession: i'm getting used to louisville, but i don't really like it.

confession: i don't evangelize in the traditional sense. but i evangelize every single day.

confession: i want my theology to meet my reality in all the places it doesn't currently.

confession: i have no clue what i want to do with my life. i have some ideas, but i could really go in any direction.

confession: i am pathetically undisciplined.

confession: i would really, really, really like to get to a healthy level of in-shape-ness. biggest hindrance -- see above.

confession: i like my new apartment. i don't love it. i wish i did.

confession: sometimes i wish something huge or tragic would happen to me ... just so i could see how i would react.

confession: i secretly sometimes wish that i could be a successful singer/songwriter.

confession: even though i'm only 23.5, i'm starting to feel very, very old and rather unaccomplished.

confession: i don't behave like a 'typical' christian. but i'm certainly not afraid or embarassed to tell people that i am one.

confession: sometimes i miss the college years so much that it hurts.

confession: serving and leading out of brokenness is waaaay harder than serving and leading out of self-sufficiency, but it's also waaaaaaay more rewarding.

confession: i ebb and flow.

confession: i sin, and it doesn't always make me sick. which makes me sick.

confession: i want to do the children's moment at church sometime.

confession: i'm exhausted most of the time.

the time i sunk my uncle's boat.

2008-08-31T21:15:00.005-04:00

this was a very interesting labor day weekend. strange, difficult, unexpected, frustrating, stressful, and ultimately, good. because, you see, each circumstance in our lives finds its direction from the Divine Hand.

well ... yes, it's true. i sunk a boat this weekend. not just any boat, mind you. it's my uncle's classic '67 glasspar (little racing boat), recently restored to better-than-original condition, and my dad's huge '85 mercury 115-hp straight-6 motor.

let me preface this story by saying that i'm not a complete boating idiot. i have a more-than-fair handle on what's going on in the water. but this boat is not easy to drive ... it's made difficult by the fact that the boat weighs 300 lbs and the motor weighs 400 lbs. it rides low to begin with ... add 4 girls and some wet towels to the mix, and idling with the motor trimmed all the way out (up) to go through the shallow channel, and we started getting water over the back edge. i tried to trim in (down) and make a run for it so i could run the bilge, but the boat wouldn't even plane -- that's how heavy it already was. so i pulled back (and more water rushed over the back), and a guy came by in a sea doo and offered to tow us to the shallows. i told the girls to jump out, we hooked up to his boat, we got about half way there, and it was the point of no return. i grabbed the box with the cameras and the cell phone, and i bailed. we watched as the boat made its way, vertically eventually, to the bottom of the lake. all that was left was a few colorful noodles and a floatation cushion, which we clipped to the now-useless tow-rope. i swam for shore, another sea doo picked up megan and shannon, and fink floated around swirting water with her hands :)

having made a phone call while the boat was still afloat, my dad and uncle were on their way (looking for a partially-submerged boat, of course). they both zoomed by, my uncle on the sea doo and my dad, later, in the fishing boat, and we had to flag them down. then came the awkward question, "where's the boat?" and the shameful gesture, pointing into the 25-ft-deep water (the lake at the deepest point is about 90 ft, so all things considered, we were lucky). then there was the look of sheer dejection: "oh, no...."

and my head was in my hands.

we relieved our rescuer, a friendly neighbor took megan and shannon home, fink and i loaded into the fishing boat (which ran out of gas before we got home), and (uncle) roger stayed to watch the makeshift bouy (the floatation cushion) and keep other boats (kind of) away. we came back and rotated the 'watching' shift so that roger and dad could make phone calls, and within the hour a diving team came out to lift the boat out. it went under at 4pm, and surfaced with the inflated diving balloons at 7pm. the nose popped out, but the boat was still under, so i towed it slowly with the sea doo to the shallows, where we pulled it by hand (totally filled with water) and started bailing it with buckets. our shoes, clothes, seats, sunscreen, fire extinguisher, paddle, and other stuff starting coming out of the nose, so we threw it all in the fishing boat (my brand-new chacos were rescued!). we bailed for about 35 minutes, until finally we could hook up some power and trim the motor back, and we hooked it up to the sea doo and towed it to the launching site, where roger and dad picked it up and brought it back to the house, taking everything apart immediately (the motor was dried out, cleaned, taken apart and put back together, and it ran like a charm this afternoon! and i would like to note that i re-installed the spark plugs. all six work.). we worked on it more this afternoon, and everything is slowly getting figured out about what will and won't need to be fixed/replaced.

so that's the long story. in short, though, it basically sucked. yeah, the sinking of the boat pretty much parallelled the sinking feeling in my stomach ... NOT a good position to be it. was it totally my fault? maybe not. but i was driving, and there's no escaping that guilt.

but there is something of beauty in being totally indebted to someone ... and that is the opportunity to embrace mercy in a real-life kind of way. no one got mad at me -- not once. no one (openly) blamed me or told me i was an idiot for doing or not doing something. no one asked me to pay the $600 for the divers' bill (Lord knows i don't have it!). and in fact, they told me that i "handled it well," and that i "did exactly what i was supposed to do."

amazingly enough, that's a tough pill for me to swallow. it almost would've felt better if i had more of punishment than a bad sunburn, a sore back, and some hardcore rope burns from pulling the boat up and bailing it out. i would almost feel better if i got lectured and blamed and taken through the third degree to make sure it was my fault (and not a crack in the boat).

somehow, the mercy doesn't feel safe ... it's as if i'm afraid that it will suddenly stop, and i'll have to evetually come to grips with all of the consequences. but that's the beauty of mercy, isn't it? of course there are unavoidable consequences (like being the butt of every joke this weekend). but none of the punishment has fallen on me, and none of it ever will. and the obvious lesson is of an even grander scale -- i have done far more heinous things in my life than sink a boat. and i will do even more. yet because of the Lord's great love for me, and because of my feeble faith in Him, none of the punishment will ever, ever fall on me. what an awe-ful thought. humbling, too.

and that's not all: even more good than that worthwhile lesson came from my sinking of the boat. but it had to get worse before it got better.

i know that this was just about the ultimate in stressful situations. the house was FULL of people, some of them strangers/guests, some of them family. and tensions basically skyrocketed with the news of a sunken boat. well, it didn't take long for the meltdown to occur, and there were too many cooks in the kitchen and too few peacemakers around. there was quite a bit of yelling that was basically unrelated to the situation at hand, and lots of feelings were hurt. there was a lot of bruised pride. and there was a really unfortunate lack of apologies.

so the next morning, the parties involved (my parents and my uncle and aunt) went to breakfast to get it all out.

and the resolution was astounding.

in the words of my dad, "we found out yesterday that we had put our treasure in this boat, instead of with God. we cared too much about this boat, and it became our first priorty."

so while i was learning about accepting mercy, they were learning about rejecting the american version of idolatry. because, after all, houses rot. wealth gets spent. health fails. and boats? well, they sink.

sometimes the Lord uses a whisper, or a brush on the shoulder to reveal a shining morsel of His truth to us. and sometimes ... well, sometimes He sinks our boat.

truth be told, i wouldn't have it any other way.

i think. ;)

very cool.

2008-08-29T00:27:00.003-04:00

jars of clay, third day, and switchfoot just built a habitat for humanity house in indianapolis. man, that's something i wish i could've stumbled upon while i was in town ... :) very cool, in any case. stellar group of guys.

merit vs. depravity

2008-07-26T12:11:00.002-04:00

i believe it is true that when the nature of christ is formed in me by the power of the holy spirit, i will begin to love other people NOT based on their own merit (or lovablity), but based on the loving nature of God.

yes, i want to be able to love people that way.

but i don't want to BE loved that way. not even by God.

i want someone to love me because of how cool i am, or because they think i'm beautiful, or because i have really good taste in music, or because i rock out on the guitar, or because i am eloqent and thoughtful, or because i am wise, or because i do incredible things for others, or because i'm so original, or because i'm so giving.

(not all of the above statements are necessarily true ... i'm not always eloquent, anyway. the others are all true *wink*)

anyway. i don't want to be some pathetic object of pity love. i don't want only the people who are filled with the compassionate nature of christ to love me only because they are compelled to by the love to christ. i want to be awesome! i want to be cool! i want to be beautiful, and i want to be loved because of it!

i'm still trying to figure out if this is a bad thing, or if it's ok on some level. (hint hint, i'd love your input). but i'm thinking that it's mostly because i am self-centered, prideful, and insecure. in short, depraved. and when i think about how i was created to need jesus like crazy, like not be able to be anything good apart from Him, i think that the extremes that my pride, selfishness, and insecurities take me to are not good places.

and who knows ... maybe when i really start to surrender all my failings (and flailings-about), i'll become beautiful, and awesome, and cool, and wise, and eloquent, and thoughtful, and giving, and talented, and original, and totally, utterly, completely lovable.

and maybe, when i get to that place, i'll also become a better lover of others.

maybe that's how it's supposed to work. the fruit of christ in the midst of my depravity isn't merit, but it is a good work. and as soon as it becomes merit again, i've lost all my depravity, and hence, the work of god in my life.

so bring it on. i don't need no stinkin' merit.
(for the next minute and a half, anyway. after that, we'll see.)

overheard at starbucks

2008-07-12T18:51:00.002-04:00

"sir, do you have a flat bottom?"

--anonymous starbucks partner to starbucks whole-bean customer--

best. moment. ever.

heaven

2008-06-24T20:53:00.004-04:00

today, i remembered once having a conversation with my dad about heaven. i was probably six, and he asked me what i thought heaven would be like. i considered it for a moment, then i said, “i think it will be just like being at the lake all the time.”

“what will we do there?”

thinking again, “… we’ll go fishing every day.”

i also thought there would be lots of fudge popsicles.

today, as i was reading ‘don’t waste your life,’ heaven was on my mind again. the childhood anecdote is a funny one, of course, because now i’m sure that i would never, EVER want to go fishing every day for eternity. but it also points to a certain truth that i am beginning to learn in a very real way: my joy is a vital part of what God is all about. especially my eternal joy. even at six years old, i somehow understood that heaven was a place of supreme joy. no more tears. no more pain. and at the time, the greatest joy i understood was found in the moments shared with my father in a little aluminum fishing boat on the still, clear water of Oliver Lake: my favorite place on earth.

it was the peace of those moments when all other cares were forgotten. it was the security of those moments when my father’s great love for me was unquestioned. those were the moments that i never wanted to end. those were a six-year-old’s glimpse into eternity.

of course, i out-grew fishing expeditions, and i out-grew the rose-colored glasses through which i saw my dad. and i found a Father with an even greater love, a perfect love, and i needed no rose-colored glasses to see how wonderful He is, nor did i need fishing expeditions to experience the peace and security of His presence. and having seen His glory in snatches and glimpses, an eternity of fishing with papa bell could hardly compare to an eternity in His presence. because in His presence is the FULLNESS of JOY. and eternal life is that i would know Him, truly and intimately.

no worm-baited fishing poles necessary :)

so i’m looking forward with great expectations to the day when i will see Him face to face, when all the weariness of the world will slip away, when all i will know is pure, complete joy …

… but until then, i’ll keep returning to Oliver Lake. my glimpse of eternity, enough to hold me over until the real deal arrives :D

evening on the dock

pre-sunset

most beautiful sunset i've ever seen at the lake

a windy sunset :)

could it be?

2008-06-16T21:37:00.002-04:00

i used to be so proud of myself, because i was open-minded, i was someone who would embrace change. i would be willing to go anywhere and do anything, no matter how far-flung, no matter how preposterous. i would not say no, if the Lord said go.

and then He said go.

and i said no.

or i wanted to, at least.

but after spending months and months in the slow death of winter, i am beginning to see signs of spring. and in, perhaps, the least likely of ways.

let me explain:

the very parts of me that felt like they were killing me have become the very things that are brining me to life. the things that i thought i hated, i have been called to. and though i came in with feet dragging, i am seeing that i don't hate them, and i don't hate the fact that i belong with them.

i am learning to celebrate the very things that make me human. my failure to transcend this world is nothing more than a glorious revelation that i was never meant to be able to on my own. and i'm not out of it yet. in fact, i believe that Jesus wants to make my life transcendent, but He can't do that until my own frailty has been well established.

so i will rejoice, therefore, in all my weaknesses ....

it's never been truer.

moved.

2008-06-15T15:41:00.002-04:00

i am officially down in jeffersonville, indiana, for the next two months. i'll be working at a UMC down here, doing music ministry, and helping out in some other areas as well.

people talk funny down here :)

in other news, here is my summer reading list:

"the irresistible revolution" -- shane claiborne
"don't waste your life" -- john piper
"the abolition of man" -- c.s. lewis
the harry potter books ... re-reads, of course :)

i'd also like to add to this collection a few more c.s. lewis books and hopefully "a severe mercy." i can't decide if those will be library borrows or if i'll just break down and buy them ... but i would like to get some more steinbeck from the library.

what are you reading this summer? i love suggestions :D

the place i was wasn't perfect, but i had found a way to live

2008-06-09T00:01:00.005-04:00

rarely has a song echoed so exactly what my heart is feeling now.

the past is so easily romanticized. and the future leaves me as easily jaded. and neither emotion reflects reality. the truth is that i need to learn to trust and obey. and experience the fullness of joy and the peace that passes understanding.

---

to be really introspective about it, the reality is that i've been putting an awful lot of roots in things that aren't Christ. and not putting enough roots in Christ. i say, "Jesus, take me anywhere You want." and i would go wherever He goes easily if i were more rooted in Him. but i have become far too rooted in places, relationships, jobs, and in a life that is temporary.

only He will endure.
only what is done for Him will last.
only His work will remain.

only He is worth living in and living for.

2008-06-02T07:25:00.003-04:00

“The one thing that the poor strengthless sinner has to fix his mind upon, and firmly retain, as his one ground of hope, is the divine assurance that ‘in due time Christ died for the ungodly.’

Believe this, and all inability will disappear.

As it is fabled of Midas that he turned everything into gold by his touch, so it is true of faith that it turns everything it touches into good. Our very needs and weaknesses become blessings when faith deals with them.”

--C. H. Spurgeon--

no need to be bitter or embarrassed.
no need to make excuses.
no need to save face and make a joke out of it.

my failing is the sweetest thing that has ever happened.
it's where God reveals His glorious strength and love.

"i would rather boast, therefore, in my weaknesses ..."

now if only to live each moment with that faith.

i'm feeling this strange sensation ... is it called fast-forwarding?

2008-06-01T04:21:00.004-04:00

i know that time goes faster as i get older ...

... but i still believe that i shouldn't look at the date and think, "hmm. a year just went right by me."

i think i'll start reading the newest addition to my library: piper, 'don't waste your life.'

maybe i need to stop asking what i want to do with my life ...
and start asking what He wants to with with my today.

drop-out

2008-05-26T23:55:00.003-04:00

i can't exactly pin-point the real reasons why i have a tendency to be a now-and-again blog school drop out. but i have a hunch that it's got something to do with shying away from introspection. i'm also not entirely sure that i have anything worth saying. or that anyone is listening.

maybe i care too much. or not enough. or maybe i care about the wrong things.

also, my belly button itches.

let me give it to you straight

2008-04-13T02:39:00.004-04:00

grace.

grace equals total freedom. grace means no merit, not even an iota. grace means total acceptance. grace is unconditional love with no expectations of performance.

even in the face of total failure. even in the face of crippling sin. even in the face of uncertainty. even when i blunder about and mess everything up worse than it ever was before. even when my failures have spilled over into other people's lives. even when my mistakes hinder not just me, but everyone around me.

grace is a gift. freely given. voluntarily given. joyfully given.

grace asks for no explanations.

grace can't hear your reasons why.

grace won't stand for your excuses.

grace is your second chance. grace is your fresh start.

every
single
moment.

and every moment, you are utterly covered by grace. there is no fault too grievous, no crime too heinous, no misstep so crippling, no failure so far gone that grace cannot overcome.

may you know -- truly know -- the grace of Jesus Christ.

"I have done it, and I will carry you;
I will bear you and I will deliver you."
isaiah forty-six

it's not on me. and that is my only hope. the truth of grace is all my hope.

forty years.

2008-04-07T23:43:00.003-04:00

would my faith last that long? what would be revealed about the condition of my heart if the promise's delivery were prolonged for forty years? i can hardly last three months ... nevermind forty years.

"...the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart..."

deuteronomy eight:two

for a long time i thought that character was built on the most difficult days. surely it was in the midst of the hottest fire and the greatest pressure that my gold was refined and my diamond was formed.

but did you know that even if great pressure is exerted onto carbon molecules, it doesn't necessarily mean it will form into a diamond? and even if diamond crystals do form, the conditions have to remain perfect and stable for thousands of years in order to produce a diamond. AND when the diamond is formed, it looks nothing like what you think of when you think of a diamond. it actually looks kind of like a translucent shiny rock. sometimes they are lumpy or dirty.

all that is to say that i don't think it's the moments of greatest trial that produce good character. i believe that the moments of greatest trial reveal the character that has already been built in the every day, in the mundane.

because if i can't trust the Lord with my plans for next week, i'm sure as heck not going to trust him with my life in a year, or five years. if i don't want to apply the Word of God to my interactions with my close friends, i certainly won't do it when i encounter the surliest of strangers.

i really hope that i understand the gravity of the every day. it's how i order and live my life every day that prepares me for the catastrophic moments that are sure to come. and when they come, they will rip open my heart and reveal what is truly inside for the whole world to see.

will it be black and bitter? stubborn and hard as a rock? crusty and despairing?

or will it be living and lovely? will it be soft with surrender? will it be full of faith and compassion and hope?

it's not going to rain every day. but i don't throw away my umbrella just because it's sunny today.

slightly off-color, yet frighteningly accurate.

2008-04-06T02:31:00.001-04:00

thank you, susan, for pointing me to the official list of stuff white people like.

i am much, much whiter than i ever thought possible.

reason # 32 i don't like walmart

2008-04-04T01:52:00.002-04:00

this is hilarious ..... i'm rhett and link's newest and most devoted fan.

do you give a damn?

2008-03-23T23:02:00.002-04:00

abraham piper on pilate and the crucifixion of christ:

"Among the vilest responses to Christ’s suffering was Pilate’s.

He didn’t betray, deny, or holler “Crucify!”

He just didn’t give a damn."

(Matthew 27:24)

apathy. it is the foulest of sentiments you could have towards the glorious god of the universe.

and i find myself it its grip far to frequently.

girls, we rock

2008-03-18T19:00:00.002-04:00

so i use google reader pretty avidly. and when it's been a couple of hours since i've checked it, i usually have anywhere between 5 and 20 new blog updates to read. they range from close friends of mine to pastors of churches that i've never even been to. it really runs the gamut.

well i just checked my reader after about 6 hours, and there were five updated blogs.

all women :D all with wonderful things to say.

and it was one of the most refreshing experiences i've had in a while.

so ladies, thanks for being awesome women.

that's all!!

i am much smaller than i realize

2008-03-14T19:00:00.003-04:00

a few weeks ago, on a sunday morning, i was at church. we began as usual, with a worship set. but this time, i couldn't even fake it. i just stood there and cried. granted, this was mere minutes after i found out that my cousin jason's brain tumor couldn't be fully removed, and that it was a fast-growing and often-returning type of tumor.

but i'll be honest: the attitude that yields a worshipful heart has been very far from me lately. so the moments of worshiping "in spirit and in truth" have been very few, scattered between moments of mostly faking or moments of just plain avoiding it.

this morning i was (quite literally) reduced to real, grounding worship. when i say "grounding," i mean the kind of worship that throws you to the ground in tears.

and i realized a few things.

first of all, i am very small. God is very big. let's see: He breathes stars. His words create breath and life. His imagination brought about galaxies and solar systems and universes, probably much more than we know. and in His wisdom He has made the human body so perfectly, with millions of intricacies. probably much more than we know. and besides the sheer depth of His wisdom and creativity, there's the basic vastness of His physical size. we're talking about a God whose centimeter is a light-year. His physical scale is so far beyond our comprehension that we start using words like "quadrillion" to describe the size of things in His universe. He's very, very big. and i am very, very, very small. in fact ... i am but dust...

second of all, He is very worthy.

this is the crux for me, i think. when i lose sight of God's worthiness, i have no reason to worship Him. today it just so happened that when i considered God's size and depth of wisdom, it taught me something of His worthiness, and that brought me to worship. but the basic issue is worth ... my fundamental problem is that i start to believe that i am worthy of recognition and valuation, and i quickly forget the sheer worthiness of Jesus. in fact, that is the ONLY reason i should worship Him. not because the song is cool or because i got blessed or because the act affords me a sense of being OK or because i want people to see me doing it. no, the only reason i worship (if it is in spirit and in truth) is because He is worthy.

i worship

because Jesus

is

worthy.

in the face of joy and pain. when i see life and death. whether i am righteous or a sinner. when i know it all and when i can't see an inch in front of me. when the road is smooth and well-lit, and when the path is dark and filled with pain. when i have faith ... and when i have none. though the world, my life, and the people around me should change chaotically.

Jesus

is

worthy.

"and THAT makes God look glorious." -- piper

'it's not about me' is an understatement.

so when i consider my stony heart, i know that the remedy is Jesus. not because i am so in need of help, but because He is so very, very worthy.

"for by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." colossians one : sixteen and seventeen

weary

2008-03-12T21:52:00.002-04:00

i got the flu. it was AWFUL. awful. fever of 102.7 ... sleeping for 12 hours straight (unheard of for me) ... aches, congestion, headaches, cough, sore throat, nausea, basically the gamut of flu symptoms. it was not fun.

i did get five days off of work, though ... although returning today was a struggle on "only" 7 hours of sleep ;)

but the flu is not the only reason i'm weary. i'm just plain worn-out. this little respite was only a taste of what i feel like i actually need. i'm weary of running around all the time. i'm weary of barely making ends meet. i'm weary of 'owing' so much of myself and my time to other people. quite honestly, i'm weary of my phone ringing. i'm weary of thinking/worrying about jason. i'm weary of driving. i'm weary of my to-do list.

and although the flu stopped me in my tracks for a couple of days, it couldn't keep it all from coming flooding back in at the first sign of health.

so what's the solution? i've already cut out a lot of things ... and yes, that has helped. but quite frankly, until i learn to need Jesus for every moment, until i learn to live in surrender and dwell under grace all the time, until i see supernatural work of peace over my heart ... i'm going to continue to be weary.

i guess we'll see how long i last ....

i'm betting it won't be too much longer ;)

so i'm getting ready to fall on grace.

oh death, where is your sting?

2008-03-05T16:53:00.004-05:00

the edges are pressing in around me. i think this is what empty feels like. joy is a distant memory. and i am tired. i have nothing to give. i'm failing at most everything. i wish i were different. and more than anything else, i just want to believe that my Abba loves me.

today i talked with my mom. she's a nurse, and she doesn't know everything in the world of medicine, but she knows a good bit .... and her assessment of jason's situation was less than hopeful. when she was talking to one of her sisters and she said that there was no good in this. her sister didn't completely agree, but my mom insisted, "how could there be anything good in a 24 year old with an aggressive brain tumor?"

i'm right there with her, on the brink of despairing. it would take just a breeze to brush me off the cliff into the oblivion of hopelessness.

never before have i struggled so to believe the truth, "O Death, where is your victory? O Death, where is your sting?" though it may not have the victory forever, it seems to overwhelm me now. and what i feel when i stare this human frailty in the face is much sharper than a sting.

oh Lord, what can we do? all flesh is fleeting. we are but grass. from dust we came. we are incapable. we are broken. we are feeble. we are small and foolish and so very deceived. yet You have made us a little lower than the angels, given us dominion over the earth ... perhaps to show us how little dominion we actually have.

like gandalf to the hobbits, "yet hope remains, while the company is true." there is only one true companion. only one faithful. only one who loves freely. only one gracious. only one compassionate. only one who creates and sustains all life. only one who speaks things into life or death. only one who knows the end. only one who leads us with gentleness to the streams of living water. only one who can make sense of the chaos of this life.

he never fails.

never.

He is my hope through the tears. He is my hope for restoration. He is my hope for rescue. He is my hope for victory.

oh Jesus ... i put all my hope in You.

and all the rest of my life fades to gray.

who told us we'd be rescued from nightmares?

2008-03-03T21:51:00.004-05:00

Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

--jesus--

john fourteen

though the mountains may crumble into the sea

2008-03-02T12:11:00.003-05:00

yesterday was march first.

yesterday i hung out with my mom. i had a soy misto and a blueberry scone. we spent an hour at a cool yarn shop. i bought a laptop (finally on sale). we found a cool hat on sale. we ate lunch at chik-fil-a. we took care of the animals at the house i was house sitting at this weekend.

we got a phone call.

my cousin has a brain tumor.
my twenty-four-year-old cousin jason has a cancerous brain tumor.

and the rest of my life fades to gray.

today is march second.

today i woke up.
i showered.
i fed the animals.
i got in my car and drove to church.
i called my mom.

he had surgery last night. they removed 80% of the tumor. but it's definitely cancer, and it's the kind that likes to come back.

i couldn't sing at church today.

listen to Me, o house of jacob, and all the remnant of the house of israel,
you who have been borne by Me from birth and have been carried from the womb;

even to your old age, I will be the same,
and even to your graying years, I will bear you.

I have done it, and I will carry you;
I will bear you and I will deliver you.

for I am God, and there is no one like Me,
declaring the end from the beginning,
and from ancient times the things which have not yet been done,
saying, 'My purpose will be established,
and I will accomplish all My good pleasure.'

listen to Me, you stubborn-minded, who are far from righteousness.

I bring near My righteousness,
it is not far off;
and My salvation will not delay.
and I will grant salvation in Zion,
and My glory for Israel.

isaiah forty-six

please pray for jason.

deluded

2008-02-12T18:41:00.001-05:00

today, i pondered the 38th street hooter's palm trees. how much money is spent (read: wasted) in lighting those trees? who decided that the flashing lighted palm trees would be a good marketing idea? and are we really so deluded that we would just eat right out of that idiot's hand?

"ooo ... those are cool ..."

yeah, or not.

but i went to walmart last night. and i bought headbands and ice cream. necessary? no. a shiny distraction to delude me that my life is good? probably much closer to the truth.

i'm quickly deluded into that kind of thinking, though. i miss out on the things that are truly good because i get distracted by things that look good. but today, i'm hungry for something that will truly satisfy. i'm longing for something that is truly good.

"this too is vanity and striving after the wind ... one hand full of rest is better than two fists full of labor and striving after wind." -- king solomon.

on my nasal health

2008-02-11T01:11:00.000-05:00

ok, so if you know me pretty well, you have probably heard me talk rather frequently about my nasal health (or lack thereof). throughout my life, i have been plagued by nasal issues. not only do i experience allergic reactions to most things indoors and outdoors, causing an excess of clear, runny snot to project from my nose, but i also have very small nostrils and very small nasal passages. this causes lots of problems, including but not limited to: snoring, sleeping with my mouth open, not being able to breathe through my nose most of the time or for extended periods of time, frequent nose-blowing, frequent sniffling, and sometimes a nasal-y sounding voice. oh, and sinus headaches.

into this picture of my nasal life, enter my friend megan. megan is wonderful ... she is neat and orderly, proper, mannerly, polite, and clean. and she likes it when the people around her are somewhat similar in nature. well, my sniveling, snotty mess of sinus area doesn't really rub her the right way. it's not a bad thing -- my constant sniffles just bug her (more than some other poeple). so she got me this present for graduation:

yes, believe your eyes. it's a nasal flush pot. you mix up some salt with some lukewarm water, stick the spout up one nostril, breathe through your mouth, tilt your head sideways, and let the water run up one side, through the sinuses, and out the other nostril. it's quite the contraption.

now i cannot lie ... while i was intrigued and impressed by this gift (that i got last may), i have been PETRIFIED of it. i mean, i'm having visions of that brain burn you get when the pool water goes up your nose. not fun. and not worth whatever supposed good effects it might bring. so i haven't touched it. i hadn't even taken it out of the box.

until three days ago.

because three days ago, my other good friend shannon held my hand (well, not literally) through the whole thing.

and it was amazing. AND it was not painful.

i'm hooked. and i can breathe through my nose!!!!!! for the first time ever!!! it's AMAZING. i'm on day three now.

so you should try it. for real.

Your renown -- shaun groves

2008-02-09T16:13:00.001-05:00

On this journey home
I will walk Your road
I will not turn 'round
For another

Make my pathway straight
Into heaven's gates
I will not turn 'round
For another

Lord, it's Your renown
Your eternal fame
That I live for now
It's Your name
It's Your name
For Your name

In my heart I'm sure
I'm completely Yours
I will not bow down
For another

Trade my selfishness
For Your holiness
I will not bow down
For another

Lord, it's Your renown
Your eternal fame
That I live for now
It's Your name
It's Your name
For Your name

When my sun goes down
And the dark surrounds
I will not cry out
For another

Lord, it's Your renown
Your eternal fame
That I live for now
It's Your name
It's Your name
For Your name

More of You
Less of me ...

more than words

2008-02-07T00:06:00.000-05:00

this post is only titled that because i was trying to think of a title, and that song happened to start playing on my itunes as i sat here. so for what that's worth ;)

but it's apt all the same.

ok, so i look around at my life, and the way i spend my time, and something is off. sometimes i feel like i don't have much control over how my time is spent, but what is happening in actuality is that i just really don't pay much attention to where my time goes. i let it slip away. and i don't like that.

but then i think about how i would like to spend my time, and sometimes i don't know what i would do with free reign. i think i would do a lot of things that i don't do now. in fact, i think i'd like to make a list:

if i could empty my schedule for the next six months, i would:

write at least one song a week.
go for a solitary walk in un-civilized terrain 5 days a week.
have one day a week of solitary time with Jesus (no other people at all for the whole day).
spend at least 2 hours in uninterrupted prayer every day.
have a significant conversation with an old friend once a week.
go through all my possessions (ALL) and sell/trash 75% of them.
read at least half the bible.
finish the tee-shirt quilt i started about 8 years ago ....
not do my hair.
not wear makeup (not even mascara).
learn how to play mandolin.
climb a mountain. maybe in colorado.
not make a single commitment or promise to anyone. and not let anyone down.
make no plans for the future.
read lots of different things.
not watch a lick of TV.

i thought i wanted to live a full life. but i don't want a full life that consists of nothing more than a full schedule. i want to live a full life, one that is BIG, with broad horizons and variated landscapes. i want a simple life with a simple schedule that allows for a fuller experience than a full schedule ever could. i want to be able to let my life happen without feeling like it's happening without me, like it's dragging me along. i want to enjoy every moment, every blessing, every breath as the gracious gift that it is. no strings attached.

and i don't want to waste my life.

oh Lord, lead me.

fancy this

2008-01-31T12:54:00.000-05:00

so it seems to me that i become more of who i am,
when i see/know/find/experience more of Who Jesus is.

not just a security in my identity.
not just a higher level of self-assurance.
not just a greater sense of comfortability in my own skin.

but i actually become a deeper, fuller, truer version of myself.

and i've been feeling a bit lost lately. a but un-like myself.

but i know the remedy.

:D

"for those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son ... and these whome He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified."

romans eight : twenty-nine and thirty

hope

2008-01-25T22:49:00.000-05:00

"Sunday’s sermon was about Hope. Hope is not the same as optimism, the pastor pointed out. Optimism has its place, but it is at its core the name given to a way of looking at things. The glass is either half full or half empty–our opinion of it doesn’t change the amount of water in the cup. Sure, it changes our disposition, and of course an optimistic one is the better of the two. But Hope goes deeper. Hope gives thanks that there is such a thing as water, and remembers that whether the glass is empty or full, there is a greater story being told. If there is water in the glass, then somewhere beneath the earth, in cathedral caverns where no eye has yet seen, a clear river courses. I may cry out in pain or sorrow (which seems to me anything but optimistic), and yet have hope, though I cling to it feebly."

...

"Finally, Frodo bids his friends goodbye at the Grey Havens. I didn’t pause it this time, but as soon as the film was over I talked with Jamie about the wound that we all carry. Just like Frodo, we have wounds that are too deep to heal this side of that grey rain curtain; the wounds of the Fall, of our daily sin, of our loneliness and selfishness and tendency to believe the lie over the Truth. I ache to board that ship and sail away to those white shores and that far green country.

Hope holds me up. It’s what I cling to, and all I ever want to cling to.

“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” (Romans)

Lord, give us patience."

--andrew peterson--

[the whole post]

the glory of Christ: a reminder

2008-01-15T18:07:00.000-05:00

then i turned to see the voice that was speaking to me.

i saw one like a son of man,
clothed in a robe reaching to the feet,
and girded across His chest with a golden sash.

His head and His hair were white
like white wool,
like snow;

and His eyes were like a flame of fire.

His feet were like burnished bronze,
when it has been made to glow in a furnace,

and His voice was like the sound of many waters.

in His right hand He held seven stars,
and out of His mouth came a sharp two-edged sword;

and His face ...

His face was like the sun
shining in its strength.

when i saw Him...

when i saw Him...

when i saw Him

i fell at His feet like a dead man.

and He placed His right hand on me, saying,

"Do not be afraid;

I am the first

and the last,

and the living One;

I was dead, and behold,

I am alive forevermore,

and I have the keys of death and of Hades."

revelation one : twelve - eighteen

i like anna nalick

2008-01-11T02:31:00.000-05:00

you're all here for the very same reason

cuz you can't jump the track
we're like cars on a cable

and life's like an hourglass
glued to the table

no one can find the rewind button, now
so cradle your head in your hands

and breathe.
just breathe.

the day off

2008-01-09T08:50:00.000-05:00

i am really looking forward to today! first of all, it started out in the BEST WAY EVER--i woke up on my own the moment before my alarm went off :D it's so silly, but that just sets my day off right. and now, i don't have to go to work ... i love these days in the middle of the week when i don't have to work. i'm getting my hair cut at aveda, and my friend emily from work is going to do it! then my madre is coming down for the day. we had a really good time together the last time i was home (last weekend) and i'm hoping we get to have some more quality time.

but what really makes this day so wonderful and glorious is that i am covered by the grace of God. He is forever at work in my heart, whether or not i see it. His Word is forever true, and it is forever piercing my soul and putting in me a hunger for more of Him. when i turn to the Word, the world begins to make sense. priorities fall into place. my heart is at peace. i can live abundantly, and i begin to look a little more like Jesus.

and what is more wonderful than that?

so here's to another wonderful day. :)

"like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, if you have tasted of the kindness of the Lord ... for He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. for you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls."

--first peter two: two & three, twenty-four & twenty-five--

one of those songs.

2008-01-06T23:11:00.001-05:00

i seem to have this thing that i do, where i pretend like i don't really like a lot of that "christian" music ... you know, the stuff on k-love or star 88.3. i pretend like i have a more discerning musical palate, and that catchy stuff with the corny lyrics just isn't up to par.

but then i hear a song or two ... full of those cheesy musical hooks and all the 'corniness' of any legit ccm ... and it catches the spirit of my heart. and i start to sing along, and i realize that i really mean it.

and suddenly i find that i get really excited every time the song comes on the radio :D

well, no more pretending.

this is one of those songs. and matthew west (the singer) is giving a free concert in fort wayne at noon on friday. anyone up for a trip with me? ;)

I’m the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can’t even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I’m spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won’t let me fall

You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
and Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart

I’m the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I'd ever care to confess
Oh but, You’re the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won’t let me fall

You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart

You’re everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hanging up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You

You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You are
You are
Jesus, You are
You are everything

the review ... i like it too :D

2008-01-03T22:35:00.000-05:00

to put it simply, i'm copying.

two-thousand seven, so lived by rachel lynn bell:

--jan--
heard a calling. got confirmation. worked my last days as a youth coordinator. saw jars and d.webb and don miller with l.haff in holland. got sicker than i've been in years, and spent several days on the couch instead of in class. talked a lot with my parents about life.

--feb--
trusted the Lord. a lot. correction: learned how to trust the Lord. a lot. and researched grad schools. got accepted for the internship with cru.

--mar--
continued to get ridiculously behind in classes. let a lot of people down, and learned how to be OK with that. wrote a lot of papers. spring-breaked in the apartment with e.w. road-tripped to stl to see the bulldogs in the sweet sixteen. started reading john.

--apr--
saw the Lord raise my very first supporter. turned twenty-two with meggie becca. had a memorable (studying-filled) birthday with a birthday cookie message and leftover dough (the BEST). went to training for the cru internship. started reading job.

--may--
went to thursday at d-ton's for the last time as a student. turned in a lot of late work. got a 4.0 for the semester. switched my primary and secondary majors around. graduated. felt a little heart-broken. and grateful. played in some weddings. had a strangely awkward encounter with an old ... friend. moved into a new house.

--jun--
mda-camped it. and avoided support raising. started support raising. late. wrote a song. learned about endurance. went to a wedding. started reading hebrews. and read colossians a few times one morning.

--jul--
went to philly with my cousin's band. saw erica and it was amazing. got really discouraged. took a beating from the Word of God. struggled with life. answered the xanga question of the day.

--aug--
asked for support online as the deadline neared. learned humility. well, actually, was humiliated/humbled. wondered if i really trusted God. had a sneaking suspicion that i didn't. bible ripped again. felt a little slippery, and a lot immature. doubted. leaned on a few people pretty heavily. read jonah.

--sep--
heard some much-needed words from the Lord. wrote a new song. disengaged from a lot of my friendships. started this blog. started watching pushing daisies. wrote another new song. waited on the Lord. followed Him in a new [scary] direction. failed at some things in the eyes of the world. started reading isaiah.

--oct--
learned and remembered sweet things in psalm 16. went to plymouth with russ and jessica to see dave. started working at starbucks. fall retreat-ed. cried for G-dub, both for my sorrow and for his joy. found some awesome music. found my heart breaking for things happening in ministry. watched my life spiral out of control. shared the gospel of grace in a very new way. read jonah again.

--nov--
read the great divorce. had a very short thanksgiving. missed my family. didn't blog. didn't read blogs. went to a wedding. saw my RIC and it was amazing. didn't read much of my bible. and was consequently much worse for the wear. had a lot of yats. got new tires.

--dec--
started reading revelation, among other things here and there. read some steinbeck. failed a life in a lot of ways. let a lot of people down. didn't sleep enough. saw a lot of old friends and it was good. had a two-day christmas break. started to apply for teach for america. worked/attended christmas conference. had the desire to join staff for the first time ever. and maybe .... heard another call. again.

just like full circle.

i'm looking forward in 08 to:

-direction and passion
-more gospel sharing
-more Word of God reading
-finding identity in Christ
-hiding my life in Christ
-glorifying God by being really, really satisfied in Him
-good song writing
-the wedding of my dearest friend
-the return of another dearest friend
-more Jesus than ever before

well that's about all, folks. :) God is good.

the loose cannon

2007-12-31T01:01:00.000-05:00

today there was a moment. it caught me by surprise.

i was laughing, most likely a little bit too loudly, in such a way and in such a place and at such a thing that it probably disturbed a few people around me. yes, others were laughing too ... but i was the disruption. and i caught a look ... you know, a look from someone. it read quite clearly, "annoyed."

the look was like a mirror to me. and i had the thought again. like so many other times, when i speak too quickly or assume too much or get preoccupied or distracted or just plain inconsiderate [in other words, self-centered], i saw in that mirror: there goes the loose cannon. the variable. the unstable element. the volatile one.

i really, really hate being the loose cannon. i'd much rather be dependable, respectful, the epitome of grace and propriety. i hate being a loose cannon.

but you know what is incredible?

God loves a loose cannon.

i mean, really? really, Lord? you have quite a knack for picking the rejects. you pick the loose cannons, and the failures. the cowards. the bumblers and the stutterers. the control freaks and the out-of-control tornadoes. you pick the crippled and the bruised, the tattered and torn, the bed-ridden and the blind, the deaf and the dumb. you pick the unpredictable one.

yes, God loves me, the loose cannon. and he picks me. because i've got nothing to boast about in myself. i'm the failure. the reject. the crippled, blind coward. so if i can bring Him glory, if i can bring the lost to Him ... it says nothing about me.

and it says everything about Him.

"i will rather boast, therefore, in my weaknesses ... so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."

if this is what You want to do, Lord, who am i to interfere?

new old hymns

2007-12-27T17:38:00.000-05:00

i love hymns. for several reasons, i think. i first loved them because i have many sweet memories of singing hymns in church next to my dad, him taking the bass or tenor lines and myself the alto. as i've gotten older, i have learned to love the way hymns speak about God. i find them much more profound that most praise songs i hear on the radio.

one that i've been hearing a lot lately is "for the beauty of the earth" ... it's pretty good :D i first heard it at staff retreat, then i heard barlow girls' (i think it was them, anyway) christmas-ized version on the radio. so as i was driving home last night (and fighting to stay awake), i was compelled to re-vamp the good old hymn and write a few verses of my own :D

for Thy total sovereignty
over every fleeting life
for Thy loving plan we see
in the midst of sorrow'd strife
Lord of all, to Thee we raise
This our hymn of grateful praise

for the straight and narrow way
lit by naught but Thine true Word
for the dark and cloudy day
when each faithful servant yearns
Lord of all, to Thee we raise
This our hymn of grateful praise

when all doubts and darkness rise
when dull apathy invades
when we conquer satan's lies
claiming Jesus' empty grave
Lord of all, to Thee we raise
This our hymn of grateful praise

should i lose both health and name
riches, kin, or closest friend
i will trust You e'er the same
praise You now, and when in Heav'n
Lord of all, to Thee we raise
This our hymn of grateful praise

it's been a long december

2007-12-26T14:05:00.000-05:00

and there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last.

so, has it been a hard year for anyone else? hah, don't answer that .... because i already know.

today, as i was getting frustrated with God (i might have been yelling at Him a little?), i was thinking back over some of the things that this year has taught me.

trust.
perseverance.
eternal perspective.
security in the nature of God alone.
selflessness (ok, actually, maybe just that i am selfish).
hope.
truth.

and in myself, i saw that talk is cheap, but how i spend my days is what actually reveals what i believe about the world and myself and God.

so now i'm thinking about how i've spent my days.

and what i really believe, apparently ...

... and i'm thinking that maybe my heart is a little crusty.

it's been a long december
but there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last.

grace ... like rain.

2007-12-01T00:50:00.000-05:00

i've been thinking a lot about grace.

grace never gets old. i never stop needing grace. grace never stops loving me. it's always new. it's ever relevant. utterly relevant ... perhaps THE most relevant thing in life.

in the drought of my soul, grace tastes good like rain. like the purity of water to a parched throat. it's freeing. cleansing. amazing.

i wear grace like clothing. it covers me ... all my flaws and insecurities. it keeps me warm against the cold night of the soul and it breaks the winds of change so that i am not knocked over.

my next step is by grace.

my current place is by grace.

my [hi]story is all by grace.

grace ... the gift. freely given from God's hands.

and all is gift.

"the reformation was a time when men when blind, staggering drunk because they had discovered, in the dusty basement of late medievalism, a whole cellarful of fifteen-hundred-year-old, two-hundred-proof grace--bottle after bottle of pure distillate Scripture, one sip of which would convince anyone that God saves us single-handedly. the word of the gospel--after all those centuries of trying to lift yourself into heaven by worrying about the perfection of your bootstraps--suddenly turned out to be a flat announcement that the saved were home before they started ... Grace has to be drunk straight: no water, no ice, and certainly no ginger ale; neither goodness, nor badness, nor the flowers that bloom in the spring of super spirituality could be allowed to enter into the case." --robert capon, as quoted by brennan manning in "the ragamuffin gospel"

yes, by the free-gift grace of God, i am what i am. one untimely born, not fit to be called an apostle, the last and least of all the apostles.

pass me that bottle. i'll drink it to the dregs.

...confessions of chronic humanity

all there is

how long, how long, how long?

i'll have no other.

when only the unshakable remains

proof of what is possible

useful sin

sustained.

professor horner's bible reading system and other medicine man miracles

justification and old-school derek webb

conflict and the gospel

autumn delights

the plunge

homemade granola bars

be still

live well right now

all i have is christ

mind over matter? not usually my strength.

now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind.

i tried (and failed) to give blood today.

unless the seed is sown

especially true for the hard-headed among us (read: especially true for me)

procter

Procter Memba

simple, not easy.

election and evangelism

clumsy

i like it when the bible makes me laugh.

vapor

sanctification

available

adventures in baking: apple blueberry bran muffins

together

we're not doing anyone any good.

christmas evening thoughts

withdrawn

and what is more beautiful than redemption?

quick said the bird

a question.

there is more, more than all this pain.

well, the secret o' life

man, this is GOOD

be not mis-taken:

exposed.

truth that is truth is easy to find.

i do not nullify the grace of God.

we're not making any progress.

talk is cheap, but at what price?

a generous theodicy

the hippopotamus

oh, louisville. now you've got me good and mad ....

good friday, and all will be well

some things never change.

sojourn

of home and horizons.

break my heart.

toss me the life vest, would you? i'm kinda drowning here.

failing at failure

the lie.

the loveable loose cannon

all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.

it's really kind of amazing.

wake me up when september ends?

true confessions.

the time i sunk my uncle's boat.

very cool.

merit vs. depravity

overheard at starbucks

heaven

could it be?

moved.

the place i was wasn't perfect, but i had found a way to live

i'm feeling this strange sensation ... is it called fast-forwarding?

drop-out

let me give it to you straight

forty years.

slightly off-color, yet frighteningly accurate.

reason # 32 i don't like walmart

do you give a damn?

girls, we rock